Why a Narcissist Discard is So Painful

Why a Narcissist Discard is So Painful why a narcissist discard is so painful
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“How can they do such a thing when they claimed they loved me?”

This is a question that will buzz in your head during the discard phase of a narcissistic relationship. You knew they were abusive, but now they’re displaying their true colors. A narcissist discard is not like a normal breakup where you might share final sentiments, have a ‘fair’ share of the spoils, and end on somewhat good terms.

A discard is where a narcissist leaves you in the cruelest possible manner, and you might even think you’ll never pull through this. In a way, a discard is supposed to be a celebration because you’ve finally been let off the hook by someone who’s terrorized you and used you in all possible ways. But that’s not the case, and the discard phase is actually a very painful experience because the pain you’re experiencing is a result of your present circumstances and past unresolved pain.


So, it hurts so much because you’re experiencing all the pain you’ve buried deep within you, as well as the pain due to your present circumstances in life. We’re going to explore the painful feelings you’re expressing in the present as well as the wounds which have been triggered by the discard.

Scenario 1: Triggering Past Unhealed Wounds

A narcissist discard is an event where someone you once ‘loved’ or looked up to is leaving you. This event will trigger unresolved childhood abandonment or rejection wounds. When you were a kid, you may have been abandoned or rejected by your caregivers or the adults you looked up to in your life.

The rejection could have been in the form of emotionally unavailable caregivers, childhood neglect, or even the loss of a loved one. So, when you’ve not healed, it means that you’re still carrying with you those negative emotions from the past. When a narcissist discards you, it brings those unhealed wounds to light or it makes those unhealed wounds look so fresh.

In short, the discard is reminding you of the pain you experienced in your childhood when your loved ones abandoned you. The narcissistic relationship was abusive and hurtful, but on the contrary, it still provided you with a distraction or with a band-aid for the abandonment wound you’ve been carrying with you. Now, the discard is more like removing a band-aid from a wound.

Your mind will also not do you any good as it will be spinning with thoughts like, “Everyone I love will always leave me,” so the discard is more a self-fulfilling prophecy of your deeply-held subconscious beliefs about your unworthiness or being unlovable. To put it simply, a discard uncovers the pain that was already there deep within you.

Scenario 2: Pain Due to Present Circumstances

The other pain you’ll experience is caused by the present effect of the discard in your life. Firstly, let’s explore the basic physical effects of the discard. Most people who’ve been discarded are bullied by the narcissist, they lose most of their physical assets or even custody of their kids. This is because a narcissist will want to show their superiority and authority over you.

They may use all the power within their grasp to win. You may find yourself not having a place to stay, with no finances, as well as isolated from your support network. This in itself strips you of the physical ‘comfort’ you had in the relationship (a house or a car or medical cover) as well as the ability to fend for yourself (and your kids).

So, the pain of a discard can lead to lacking the basic life necessities, and you will have a hard time picking yourself up or rebuilding your life. You may have also gotten into debt while you were in the relationship which makes it even harder for you to just have money to cater for your basic needs (shelter, food, clothing).


When you’re discarded and you still have money or you live in your own place, it can be easier to pick yourself up as you’re just concentrating on dealing with the emotions deep inside, but when you also have to deal with the basic needs, it makes it more painful.

A narcissistic relationship is also the kind of relationship where you’re not encouraged to stand up for yourself or to build new skills or just to be independent. You may be mostly dependent on the narcissist financially. So, when someone is discarded, they don’t even know where to start in terms of looking for ways to generate income or to just get a job. Trying to piece together all those things you have to do moving forward can be very depressing and even make you feel helpless.

Secondly, on the emotional level, you experience a negative wave of emotions. You’ll be grieving the loss of a relationship you once held dear, which will display similar feelings as when you’ve lost a loved one. You’re also confused at how someone you once loved could betray you and leave you for someone else without even giving you a warning or any sort of closure.

You will also inflict more harm on yourself by blaming yourself or thinking that you’re the one who ruined the relationship. This will be reinforced by the fact that the narcissist will also blame you and even call out some of the things you did that made them discard you.

Your distorted reality will accept these accusations and even justify that the fact that they left you means that you’re the problem. To make things harder, your ‘loved ones’ may also believe the narcissist’s narrative which hurts even more. Also, the narcissist may lie and smear you and make people turn against you and isolate you. Some of the emotions you will feel will also arise from the fact that you’re feeling so used (feeling like trash) and you’re even ashamed at how you allowed someone to do those things to you.


A narcissist discard is more painful than when you go ‘no contact’ because the discard is itself carrying a message or is conveying a message to you. The message is, of course, interpreted by your traumatized self. When you are discarded there is a feeling of powerlessness and hopelessness (they do it to you), but when you go ‘no contact’ there’s a feeling of hopefulness and capability (I can do it — you did it on your own).

The narcissist discard can be a painful experience, but you can view it as a blessing in disguise as it lets you off the hook of a relationship that was having a negative effect on your well-being. Use the discard to your advantage, pick yourself up, and fix the areas in your life that the discard exposed. If it’s your unhealed wounds, your dependence, your deep insecurity, take the initiative to really go inward and address them.

It is painful, but the only thing you can do for yourself is not to discard yourself further but to just be compassionate with yourself and do the necessary work. You are worth more than sticking to an abusive relationship. Rejoice, you are now physically free, and now you have the space and the chance to be completely free. Take the discard as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to elevate your level of consciousness and connect with your authentic self.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns (in less than 2 months) , then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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