WHY YOU SHOULD AVOID DATING WHEN YOU’VE NOT HEALED FROM ABUSE why you should avoid dating when you’ve not healed from abuse
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The most common trap for anyone who’s been in a toxic relationship is jumping into another relationship. After being hurt and betrayed by someone you trusted, you may think that’s enough to stop you from seeking another relationship after abuse, but that’s not always the case.

When I talk about relationships here, I am also talking about situation-ships (‘unofficial relationships’) or even friends with benefits (FWBs). They are all the same thing, actually, because it involves connection, attraction, and attachment to another. One may fall back to an ‘old flame’ just to escape loneliness and soothe the pain deep inside. One may also jump to online dating apps, as that’s the best place they can urgently find someone to satisfy their desires (sexual/biological).

For anyone who’s left an abusive relationship, I think it should be ‘illegal’ to even think or seek a new relationship before healing. This is because the fact that you’ve left a toxic person (content) doesn’t mean that you’ve transformed yourself as the person (structure). You might have left them, but you’re still the same person who’s still deeply insecure, wounded, and unhappy. In this article, I’m going to share with you why you shouldn’t even think about seeking a new relationship after abuse. I will offer the only two scenarios that will occur if you seek a new relationship without addressing your unhealed wounds.


Scenario 1 — Attracting Another Toxic Relationship

One thing for sure is when you’ve been discarded or when you’ve left a toxic relationship, your self-esteem is low, you don’t even feel you’re good enough, and you’re wounded. You’ve also lost touch with who you are at the core, and you’re just living life from a distorted perspective.

This will mean that you may choose to settle for anything, and you may even feel that if you ignore that guy/lady around the corner, you will end up being alone. As long as you’re acting from the point of desperation, you’ll find yourself settling for something which is ‘not that bad.’ That ‘not that bad’ may also turn out to be a toxic relationship.

Also, there are toxic people out there looking for ‘wounded’ prey which they can easily pounce on without breaking much sweat. What may also make you susceptible to toxic relationships is you’ve not yet transformed yourself into someone who is narc-proof.

You still don’t understand your boundaries, your unhealed wounds, your worth, or just who you are. In short, you may have left the relationship, but unless you deal with some of your inner issues that may have consciously or unconsciously attracted you to toxic relationships in the past, there is a higher chance that you’ll find yourself in another toxic relationship.

One other thing, which is a trap actually, is thinking that learning about red flags or just reading about narcissism and their characteristics is enough and you’ll never find yourself in toxic relationships again.

Yes, it may help but something about all these externalities when you’ve not healed from the inside is you’ll still choose to ignore them or water them down because you still lack self-trust and you’re still acting from the point of trying to meet your unfulfilled ‘deep’ needs. You’re also desperate to fill that pain deep inside which will further make you turn a blind eye on those red flags. There’s just a deep subconscious pull courtesy of your unhealed wounds which clouds your judgment.

Also, when you find yourself in another toxic relationship, it may be harder to leave than the first one because you will shame yourself (“How could I fall for this again?”, “Why didn’t I listen to that article or those people?”) more than before. Our ‘loved’ ones who don’t understand how these dynamics work will also be ready to victim bash you with statements like, “You never learn your lesson, do you?” or “We told you so,” which will isolate you further from your support network.


The fact of the matter is when we repeat the same mistake, a few people will really come out and support you unless they understand the intricacies of the mind or have unconditional love towards you. So, it’s a double whammy, your friends have deserted you because they ‘told you so,’ meaning you’ve lost your support network and you’re also shaming yourself for falling for another toxic relationship.

Actually, this is a normal occurrence every time we make a mistake in life; we focus so much on shaming ourselves instead of looking at what we need to do in the present moment.

Scenario 2 — Finding a Healthy Relationship but You’re Making it ‘Unhealthy’ (Emotional Unavailability)

The best way to explain this is from the popular proverb, “hurt people, hurt people.” When you jump into that new relationship, the relationship in itself is ‘unhealthy’ even before it kicks off. When you’re anchored in the past and carrying past hurts which you, you will not be fully present or emotionally available in that new relationship.

You will be in two relationships at once, physically in the present but still anchored in the past. Even if you’re lucky to get someone who’s not toxic, you’ll be the one who will be dragging the relationship down as you’ll find yourself engaging in some undesirable behaviors because you’ll still be anchored in the past.

You will either be overly suspicious, easily triggered, lacking intimacy, untrustworthy, angry and resentful as well as carrying bitterness from the past. In short, you will be subjecting your current supposed ‘healthy’ relationship to various tortures because you’re still unhealed.

So, the relationship in itself will be lacking the qualities of a healthy relationship; it may be ‘not so bad’ (as compared to your toxic relationship), but it’s still not a healthy relationship. When you’re not able to connect with someone on a deeper level, that’s just a convenience for you and not a relationship.

In a way, it’s not really fair to carry that past bitterness and hurts to another human being if we are really serious and want to break this circle of hurting one another. The fact of the matter when you’ve not healed, you’ll just find yourself engaging in behaviors which will make that relationship ‘unhealthy’ and which will even hurt your partner.


After you leave a toxic relationship, regardless of what your head tells you, do not even think about another relationship. Your head will lie to you because you’re still carrying past traumas with you. A friend, family, or some article may advise you or pressure you that another relationship is the best way to heal or to have a rebound relationship.

Regardless of what anyone says, look for that relationship with yourself first. The main goal after leaving a toxic relationship should be finding yourself; you’ve abandoned yourself for so long. By going into another relationship, you’re still ignoring that inner voice or the cry from the universe that you need to go inward, heal, and break those generational curses.

The only thing you should listen to is how you’re feeling deep inside. Are you feeling insecure? Do you feel the need to escape from the pain? Actually, if you honestly ask yourself those questions, you will know if you’re ready to date or not. There’s no need to carry your inner pain to someone else (a new relationship) or to find yourself in another toxic relationship. Use all your resources to focus on healing so that the moment you go out there looking for another relationship, you will not be seeking

from the point of escape but from a point of deep security within yourself. You will also have grown out of that past toxic relationship as a better person, transformed. Here’s the thing, it’s not a must for you to be in a relationship with another human being; you’re enough when you have a deep relationship with yourself.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns (in less than 2 months) , then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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