When Your Family Cares About Your Abusive Ex

When Your Family Cares About Your Abusive Ex when your family cares about your abusive ex

When you’ve been in a long-term relationship, it’s inevitable that some of your close friends and family will become very good friends with your partner. You will even have mutual acquaintances with your partner. It’s normally a great relationship builder when you have things in common with your partners, and common friends are one of those aspects. But when you learn that they’re abusive and eventually break up with them, that’s when those mutual acquaintances, from your family to your friends to your colleagues, become nightmares when you’re struggling with moving on.

As you’re struggling and wanting to come to terms with how they could change so abruptly or why they hurt you, or just dealing with the countless questions that may never have answers, you realize that your family still talks about and even cares about your abusive ex. Your friends still keep tabs on them, and they’re not even listening to your pleas that your ex was manipulative. The fact that your family, friends, and all those other mutual acquaintances don’t really listen to you and still keep in touch will leave you feeling betrayed and humiliated.

You might even start to think there’s something wrong with you, as if you deserve the ugly side or the abusive behavior of your ex, while those around you are getting the best side of the pie. You’re the only one experiencing the manipulative side, and those close to you are getting the good side. This further leaves you feeling unworthy of care and love, and you may even end up receiving side glances from your friends. They can’t believe you left such a charming person; they can’t believe you’re now single and struggling while your former beloved is out there just moving on with their lives. So, what do you really need to do when your family and friends care about your ex? Do you cut them all off, or do you try to convince them day in and day out to break up with your ex as well?


Lower Your Expectations

The first logical step to take is actually to lower your expectations. Expecting that your family, your children, your best friend, your pastor, etc., are supposed to do ABCD for you will make your life complicated and even miserable. The fact that we cannot meet our own expectations means that it’s even harder for others to meet them. The fact that you broke up with your ex doesn’t mean that your family will break up with them as well; it’s simply how life is. Your family may not see the problems or the manipulative side you’ve seen. Even if they see it, they were not living under the same roof of manipulation and deceit like you; they’re more like secondary ‘victims of abuse.’ They may have tasted a tiny bit, which is not enough for them to cut ties, but for you, you experienced a fair share of the abuse. Expecting them to follow along with your 100% will prime you for frustration and disappointment.

You will be disappointed and may end up feeling even more unworthy than you currently do. Your mind may use the fact that your family is not siding with you as evidence of your unworthiness, making you feel like you have no one to support you, which is not true. When you understand that your family or friends don’t have to follow along with all your actions, you’ll begin to see how they’re being supportive of you in some instances. For example, you may be living under the same roof after that divorce, they may be taking care of your kids, or even just their presence itself is something valuable.

Lowering your expectations doesn’t mean opening yourself up to manipulation and abuse by proxy from your family; it simply means that you take what will help you in your healing journey and understand that they may also be under the manipulative spell of your ex. Those around you also have their inner struggles to deal with, as they are also human beings, and the only expectation you should have is that they will not meet all your expectations, even when they’re family.


In conclusion, your family and friends may never see things from the angle you are seeing them, and when they don’t, you don’t need to harbor feelings of resentment towards them. Instead, focus this energy on working on yourself and healing your wounds. Do not let your mind lie to you that it’s now you versus them (your mutual acquaintances and your ex); instead, concentrate on how you can heal so that you can understand that they may have also been manipulated or are themselves manipulative.

It’s okay to have expectations that your loved ones will support you, but it’s also vital to recognize that these expectations may never be fully met, and you don’t have to stay stuck waiting for them to be fulfilled. Rather than waiting for them to meet your expectations, work on processing those uncomfortable emotions inside you. You may get stuck wanting them to meet these expectations, yet all along what needs to be done is for you to heal and process those uncomfortable emotions so that you can fully comprehend that they are also struggling with their own inner issues, and they may not even be aware that they have a choice.

Similarly, when you wait for them to meet your expectations, you may think that you have no choice. However, the choice you have is to work on the pain or inner discomfort, and you will realize that you have support, and that support doesn’t have to come solely from your family. The primary expectation you should focus on meeting is to work on yourself and confront the pain that we often try to evade deep inside.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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