Abusive Relationship: Why Do People Defend Their Abusers?

Abusive Relationship: Why Do People Defend Their Abusers? abusive relationship: why do people defend their abusers?
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Have you ever realized that sometimes people may share with you some of the behavior they’re engaging in on the side, such as cheating on you, sleeping around, or engaging in corrupt or illegal deeds, yet you find yourself defending them? You defend them to the point where you are willing to take the blame, as if you are willing to be persecuted just for their sake. Is it really?

And you might really think that this is because you love them and all, so you are willing to go the extra mile for them. But is it really love? Or do you not believe that you deserve better? Actually, the main reason you defend them so much, despite the evidence, is because you have low self-esteem. You don’t really feel that you deserve better in life. If you have these beliefs about yourself, like not deserving better, of course, you will repel everything that could make you feel better.


One example of those things that could make you feel better is seeing the reality of the relationship or acknowledging the fact that they are mistreating you or being manipulative. So you will deny that. You will reject that because it is uncomfortable for you. It evokes uncomfortable emotions because it’s not a familiar thing to you. Like you don’t really believe that you deserve to be treated well or deserve a better life. So when you face life circumstances that point to a better life, of course, you’ll reject it.

You’ll prefer the toxic one. You’ll prefer staying with them. You’ll prefer defending them or blaming yourself because at least that reinforces this deep belief that you don’t deserve anything good in life. So you’re not defending them because you love them; you are defending them because, on a deeper level, you don’t really love yourself or feel that you deserve good things in life. On a deeper level, you’ve not really accepted yourself or come to terms with your own inadequacies, you are benefiting unconsciously from this defense.

To overcome this, you need to address the negative beliefs you have about yourself, which you likely picked up due to being raised in an environment where you were constantly invalidated, made to feel worthless, or of no value at all. When you internalize those beliefs, they become ingrained in your identity.

Once you address these beliefs, you will reach a point where you realize that you actually deserve better. It will become easier for you to say no and to refrain from defending them. You’ll see the situation for what it truly is: this person is hurtful, and I cannot defend them anymore. You’ll prioritize yourself. That’s the power of working on those negative beliefs you have about yourself.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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