Why You Think You Love the Abuser

Why You Think You Love the Abuser why you think you love the abuser
Photo by Thom Milkovic on Unsplash

Today, I’ll be answering the question of why you might still feel that you love your abusive ex so much. While you may be aware that they are abusive and that they exhibit toxic traits, you still find yourself attached to them. However, it’s important to note that what you feel for them is not genuine love. It is a complex mix of psychological and emotional factors.

Trauma Bonding

One reason you might feel this intense attachment is due to trauma bonding. This occurs when you develop a strong emotional connection to someone who is mistreating you. In abusive relationships, there are often highs and lows, moments where your abusive ex may seem loving or caring. These highs create a craving for that positive experience again, leading you to exaggerate those moments and believe that you love them deeply. It’s similar to being addicted to a drug — you crave the high it gives you. In this case, you crave the positive moments in the abusive relationship.

Lack of Self-belief

Another reason is the belief that you won’t find any other love. Throughout the relationship, your abuser may have called you names, manipulated you, and blamed you, causing you to believe that you have no value and that no one else will love you. This creates low self-esteem and a fear that you won’t find love elsewhere. As a result, you convince yourself that the only love you’ll ever have is from your abusive ex.


Familiarity and Comfort

Familiarity and comfort also play a role in your attachment. Even though the relationship may be harmful, you find comfort in its familiarity. It’s like staying in your comfort zone, where you know what to expect, despite the abuse. You may rationalize or minimize the abusive behavior to maintain this comfort because you fear the unknown and believe that other potential partners might also be abusive.

The Idealized Version

The idealized version of your abusive ex is a significant factor that contributes to your feelings of love towards them. In abusive relationships, it’s not uncommon for the abuser to display intermittent acts of care, support, or make promises for a better future. These moments create a glimmer of hope and paint a picture of a kinder, more loving individual. As a result, you develop a strong attachment to this idealized version of your ex.

When you experience these occasional positive moments, it’s natural to hold onto them tightly. They may provide a sense of relief, comfort, and reinforce the belief that there is potential for change in the relationship. You may convince yourself that if you hold on long enough, the idealized version of your ex will become the dominant reality.

Emotional Dependency

Emotional dependency is another factor. Manipulative individuals are skilled at making you emotionally dependent on them. If you lack inner security and seek validation and approval from others, you become emotionally dependent. During the love bombing phase, your abusive ex may have provided validation and made you believe in yourself. Now, you feel that you need them for validation because your own self-belief and self-trust have been eroded by the relationship.

What You Feel is not Authentic

It’s crucial to understand that what you feel is not genuine love. If love excludes self-love and self-worth, it’s not true love. It’s essential to recognize that you deserve a healthy kind of love and to prioritize healing the psychological and emotional scars left by the abusive relationship. Focus on understanding your boundaries, treating yourself with kindness, and seeking help to break free from the cycle of toxic relationships.

Remember, it’s the pain you’re feeling that needs attention, not the notion of love as a mask for that pain. By addressing the underlying issues and prioritizing your own healing and growth, you can learn to love and value yourself, setting the foundation for healthier relationships in the future.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns for good, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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