When You’re ‘Harassing’ The Abuser

When You’re ‘Harassing’ The Abuser when you’re ‘harassing’ the abuser
Photo by Jon Butterworth on Unsplash

A twist that often occurs in an abusive relationship is when you, the one who’s being subjected to abuse, becomes the target of a harassment report by the abuser. They bait you into calling them or sending numerous messages, exploiting their understanding of what triggers you. In doing so, they collect the necessary evidence to portray you as the harasser. This typically occurs post-separation or when they intend to discard you. They engage in hot and cold behavior, enticing you to chase them. You might be pursuing them for crucial information needed for your divorce proceedings or your parenting plan.

They might have also ghosted you, leaving without saying a word, and you find yourself calling repeatedly or even stalking them as you attempt to seek answers or closure for what happened. In your innocent quest for answers, all these actions can be used against you as evidence of harassment by the abuser. They provoke or bait you, creating false proof that they’re the true victims and you’re the abuser, especially when these allegations are presented in a court of law. So, here is what do you need to understand?


Regardless of whether you’re looking for answers or want something from them, know that they’re trapping you, and that’s where they want you to be. They want you to appear desperate and to chase them, as it feeds their sadistic ego, reveling in the knowledge that you’re suffering without their communication. That’s where going no contact or practicing minimized contact comes in handy. Instead of seeking answers, communicate with them only when necessary. Avoid calling them excessively — making 40 calls a day would be clear evidence of harassment, and they will use it against you.

Do not Fall for Their Traps

Another thing you need to understand is that your manipulative ex will leave traps along the way even when they’ve left the relationship. So, when you chase them, you’re simply falling for their traps. Just be aware that the answers you need are not with them; instead, the answers lie in understanding that you’re dealing with someone very low in empathy, and all they care about is winning at all costs.

They crave a negative response from you to feel they still have control over your emotions. However, if you stand firm and do not fall for their traps, you’ll find better solutions, even when you need important information from them. It’s better to report through your lawyer that your ex is not providing the information you want or to send a clear email than to literally chase them or bombard them with phone calls and messages.

The best way to win is not to play their games. When you play, you’re ‘harassing’ them, but when you distance yourself, you will be in a better place. You might be desperate for answers or for them to pick up their phones, but that will make things harder for you in the eyes of the law. What you should do is focus on how you can take your life back from the pain they’ve caused deep inside.

When you prioritize your healing, it becomes much better to face the practical aspects of divorce because you will not be acting out of desperation or carrying those deep feelings of resentment you have towards them. In short, when you let go on a deeper level, you get to understand that the outcome of the court, the divorce, or the relationship doesn’t really define you as a person. You’re already a winner on the inside, where it matters.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

Share your love
Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

Articles: 831

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *