When Your Family Sides with The Abuser?

When Your Family Sides with The Abuser? when your family sides with the abuser?
Photo by Nathan Anderson on Unsplash

Today, I’d like to address the question of what to do when your immediate family sides with the abuser or with your soon-to-be-ex. If there’s one common narrative when it comes to abusive or manipulative relationships, it’s this aspect of your family, your loved ones, or your friends supporting your abusive partner and even disregarding you, their own child. There are, of course, a number of reasons why your family may side with them, but the common one, especially when you’re married, is they may not want you to ‘tarnish’ the family name by getting a divorce. When you’re married, you get entangled with your in-laws, and your family members become friends with the other side’s family member.

So, when things go wrong in the relationship, you may start thinking that you’ll be betraying your family or breaking the two families apart. In most instances, most people will rarely think of themselves as being the ones who are suffering or who are going through the abuse. They will mostly think about not severing family ties, and they may choose to persevere in the relationship even if it means enduring the abuse.

So, when they decide that they want to leave the relationship, of course, because your families have been bound together by ‘law’ or by your marriage, you may need to involve them in the divorce process. Most times they will outrightly tell you to mend things up with your partner, and they will even point out some of your flaws or they may label you as the one who is spoiling the marriage. To your dismay, you may find yourself in this place where your family is siding with your charming ex.

On top of that, when you’re dealing with someone manipulative, they will mostly display this ‘good’ side to your family but be abusive behind the scenes. In some cases, actually, you may find yourself being the only one who’s experiencing their dark side. So, your family will obviously think there has to be something you’re doing or not doing for your partner to make them behave undesirably. And because you don’t believe in yourself or you doubt yourself so much, which is, of course, a byproduct of being in those kinds of relationships, you end up thinking that maybe you’re the problem.

It’s normal to feel that way, and if you’re fully ready to move on, it can hamper your steps moving forward, especially when you don’t have the support of your family. So, should you give in and stay with them, or should you just leave to save your life?

There’s one way to save an abusive relationship, which is by saving yourself. Even if your family is against you leaving the relationship, you have to prioritize yourself, and sometimes it’s not really wise to follow what your family is saying but instead focus on the actual reality of what’s really happening in the relationship. YThe other thing you ought to do is if they side with them, they may have their own reasons. Some may be doing it knowingly or unknowingly, but at the end of the day, the one who’s suffering is you, not them.

So, do not expend your energy trying to recruit them back to your side, but instead channel that energy into keeping yourself safe and forging your way forward even if you have to cut them off for your own sake. It may be harder when you don’t have their support, but it’s better when you have your own support, which is prioritizing your own safety by doing whatever it takes. Your mind will feed you with common narratives like “but they’re family” or stuff like that, but those are just common justifications which won’t mean that other individuals care for your well-being as much as you do. Focus on you, even when the odds are against you.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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