When You Secretly Want Your Abusive Ex Back?

When You Secretly Want Your Abusive Ex Back? when you secretly want your abusive ex back?
Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash

Today I’ll be answering the question of why do you secretly want your abusive ex back. Yes, you may go to forums and say, “I don’t want them back, I don’t really want them, I don’t want to ever see them again,” but deep inside, you’re like, “Why can’t they call me? Can they change? Have they changed?” That feeling deep inside you of just wanting to call them back or even wanting them to call you back, you secretly want them back.

The main reason you secretly want them back is you still want their validation and approval. Something that kept you in that relationship for a very long time is initially, in that abusive relationship, they validated you, they approved you, they made you feel really good about yourself. They put you on this higher pedestal. So because you lacked that inside yourself, when you lack something inside you, you end up looking for it outside, which is, of course, approval and validation. So when you look out for these things from them, it means that even if they are abusive, you still want that. You still want to be told, “Hey, you are looking good. Hey, I love you,” all those things.

Another reason is familiarity. You may also secretly want them back because of familiarity. Like you’ve been used to that environment, and when your mind gets used to something, it feels safe and secure within it. It doesn’t matter if it’s logically unsafe. To the mind, because it’s gotten used to this pattern of being called names or these highs and lows of the relationship, the mind feels that actually, this is the best place for this person. So on a deeper level, you still crave that. You still crave that emotional abuse, verbal abuse because you’ve gotten used to the drama of the toxic relationship. And when you get addicted to it, you’ll want to have a taste of it because that taste of it gives you this feeling like you are satisfied.

The other reason why you may secretly want them back is because facing reality after leaving the abusive relationship is not an easy thing. Because facing reality here is you see things which you’ve ignored in you when you were in the relationship. You see your loneliness, you see your emptiness, you see your lack of boundaries, you see your dependence. So when you see all those things you suppressed or you ignored in the relationship, now you’re able to see them, or those wounds or those deep stuff are now on the surface. You may secretly just want to go back to them just to hide again, just to hide from this painful feeling because sometimes it may really be painful to look at the pain you’ve suppressed, and you may prefer the pain you are feeling in the abusive relationship so that you can hide from it. So you may secretly want them back because it offers you temporary relief from facing your own inner demons.

It’s very normal to want them back, but what you need to do is taking them back or them calling you will not take the pain away. The reality will still be there. You may go back to them, but you’ll still come back to yourself. So instead of now secretly wanting them back and focusing on that or beating yourself up because you want them back, just understand that this pain you are carrying deep inside, this baggage, this emotional baggage from the past, you have to process it and let it go. You have to cry those tears you never shed before. Instead of just looking for something to suppress those tears, cry them, and that’s what healing is all about. Healing is all about those things which come to the surface.

We now clean them because after you clean all those things, you realize that you can be complete and contented with just being yourself. Or now you get to the point where you’re just yourself without anger, no resentment, and all those things. Hope that makes sense, guys. You may secretly want them back, and it’s normal because they offer you a certain feeling of convenience.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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