When the Narcissist Calls You Toxic

When the Narcissist Calls You Toxic when the narcissist calls you toxic
Photo by Jules D. on Unsplash

Today, I’ll be answering the question of why is it that sometimes the abuser can call you toxic? Like they can call you toxic and even point out some of the behaviors which we can call toxic. They can tell you that you’ve been lying to them or you did this to that person. Like they can really share instances, which are even real-life instances that portray your toxic behaviors. So why is it that they do that?

Lack of Accountability

Actually, the main reason they do it is to deflect the blame or just to put you on the same boat. Something about abusive people is they rarely take responsibility for their actions. So they will look for a perfect alibi so that they cannot take responsibility for their actions. And one of those alibis is calling you toxic. Because if they call you toxic, it will mean that you will not be raising your voice, not be pointing out the wrongs or the toxic behaviors in them because you also know that you are toxic, and that’s how they avoid taking responsibility.

Internalization of Toxic Labels

It’s a very old, typical way of projecting their behaviors towards you, and something about being called toxic is: why is it that you believe it? Why is it that you believe it so much? Why is it that you believe what they say?

Yes, you know they’re manipulative, they’re cunning, they’re deceitful, and all those things. But why is it that you believe what they say? Actually, they are very logical. The logical first instance is, of course, because you also know on a deeper level that some of the behaviors you’ve been displaying may not be in alignment with your values.



You believe it because you don’t really believe in yourself. Like when you’ve been in a relationship with someone who’s abusive, you lose yourself. You lose your interests. You lose your self-esteem. You even don’t know who you are anymore. You don’t know some of your values. And when you really feel lost, you don’t have a stable foundation. So, you tend to believe what they say. Of course, they manipulated you to believe them, so you believe what they say.

Importance of Healing

When you leave the relationship you may really feel that you are a bit manipulative or there are some behaviors you are doing which you never did before and that’s a very normal thing. That’s why healing is very important because if you don’t really address these toxic behaviors which you picked up in the relationship you will end up taking them to a new relationship.

Let’s say if you jump into a new relationship you will end up taking these behaviors to the new relationship and then end up hurting others without even your own knowing because these behaviors normally slip into the part of your mind will become habits and you will end up hurting others. That’s why there is this saying of “hurt people, hurt people”. Of course, the abuser was also hurt, that’s why they are hurting others.

Always Check on Yourself

So instead of just defending yourself and say like “Hey, I’m not toxic,” sometimes it is good to step back and just scan yourself. Ask yourself a question like “What areas in my life am I not in alignment with my values or what areas am I displaying some behaviors which I don’t really like?” So, it’s more like, instead of internalizing their words, you just use them to grow you. Because if someone calls you something, there’s no need for you to defend yourself there and there. No, just leave it there and then go and scan yourself.

The more you do that, the more you start to work on the areas in yourself which need to be improved. So it’s more like you’re using those people who are calling you names to grow you, which is a very good way, and a very profound way to work on yourself. So you don’t need to defend yourself when they call you toxic, but you just need to understand that it’s either projection or… you are also displaying some toxic behaviors because you’ve been exposed to those toxic environments for a very long time.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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