Toxic Relationships: Why You Think You Made A Wrong Decision for Leaving an Abusive Relationship?

Toxic Relationships: Why You Think You Made A Wrong Decision for Leaving an Abusive Relationship? toxic relationships: why you think you made a wrong decision for leaving an abusive relationship?
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Deciding to end a toxic and abusive relationship is incredibly tough. It’s one of the hardest choices anyone can make. But even after gathering the strength to walk away from such a harmful situation, you may start doubting your decision. You may have studied about narcissism, abuse, and manipulation, and understand these terms, but still question your decision.

You logically understand that the relationship was not salvageable and there’s nothing more you could do to make it work. You may also see your abusive ex enjoying their time with a new partner, which further adds fuel to that doubt within you. Your kids may also be asking you about your ex-partner or talking about the wonderful time they had together during their scheduled parental visits.

Meanwhile, you may be struggling with anxiety, depression, stress, and hopelessness due to the torment your ex-partner put you through, while it seems like they’re thriving.

You just question whether you made a mistake by cutting ties with your abusive partner. This happens to many people, and it raises an important question: Why do you often think you made the wrong decision by leaving an abusive relationship?

1. Familiarity

Imagine you’re standing in a room with cracked walls, dim lighting, and a constant feeling of unease. This room represents your past abusive relationship. Despite its flaws, you’ve spent a significant amount of time in this room, and it has become familiar to you. You know its every corner, its patterns, and its quirks. It may not be a pleasant place to be, but it’s what you’ve grown accustomed to.

Now, imagine stepping out of that room into a vast open space, filled with possibilities and unknowns. This represents the decision to leave the relationship. At first, the openness can be overwhelming. The absence of the familiar can leave you feeling vulnerable and uncertain.

Despite its negative aspects, your mind finds a strange sense of security in the predictability of that environment. Leaving that environment means leaving behind what you’ve come to know, even if it was harmful.

2. Comfort

Comfort is a significant factor to consider. In the relationship, you may have enjoyed certain privileges. Perhaps your spouse provided you with a car, financial support, or a sense of social status. These elements created a feeling of normalcy in your household. However, once you leave the relationship, you may lose those things. It’s during this time that you may question your decision because, in comparison, your life now may be filled with struggles, financial difficulties, and stress.

When you were in the abusive relationship, despite its toxicity, you may have had financial stability, a car, and perhaps even regular meals. Now, as you find yourself struggling to make ends meet and facing unemployment, you may feel that leaving was a mistake. Looking at your current circumstances, it may seem illogical to have left. You may have downsized from a five-bedroom house to a small studio apartment, and the changes in your life may have left you feeling isolated without any friends.

These tangible aspects of your life, when compared to the past, can lead to doubts about your decision.

3. Loneliness and Isolation

Another factor to consider is the fear of isolation and loneliness. In a toxic relationship, there exists a paradox. Although it is hurtful, it also offers a shelter from the deep-seated loneliness within you. When you leave the relationship, you no longer have someone to sleep beside on cold nights or to talk to, even if the conversations were often hurtful. Yet, at least there was someone to talk to and confide in at times even if most conversations were dramatic.

After leaving relationship, you may feel incredibly lonely and isolated. It may seem as though everyone has abandoned you, including some of your friends and even certain family members who may still be charmed and persuaded by your manipulative ex-partner.

Loneliness is a profound and challenging experience. It plunges you into a dark place and reinforces the belief that you may never find someone else or that you are inherently unworthy. Loneliness may push you to choose anything rather than nothing because it’s eating you up on the inside. The intense feeling of emptiness and longing can lead you to doubt your decision to leave the relationship. The absence of companionship and the sense of isolation can be overwhelming, magnifying the belief that you made a mistake.

4. Manipulation

Throughout the relationship, you experienced countless instances of manipulation and gaslighting from your partner. They constantly made you feel that you would regret leaving the relationship, that you were making a mistake. They fed you with statements like, “If you leave me, you will struggle in life,” “No one will ever love you if you leave me,” or “You will face dire consequences if you leave.”

Due to the constant manipulation, once you do leave, you may believe that you made the wrong decision. Your thoughts are not being influenced by your authentic self, but rather by distorted perspectives and mental distortions. You start thinking through the lens of your ex’s voice or your inner critic, rather than your own true thoughts.

For example, if your ex constantly told you that leaving them would lead to a life of struggle and loneliness, and you already have a fear of dating or a lack of self-worth, you may start believing their words. When you look at your current circumstances and compare them to the words of your ex, you might think, “Maybe my ex was right.”

You start seeing your current situation as a manifestation of the consequences they warned you about, such as being alone or never finding someone else. This reinforces the belief that you made the wrong decision, as the distorted voice of your ex continues to play in your head, distorting your perception of reality in the present moment.

5. External Influences

Our family, friends, and colleagues may often express their opinions and judgments, telling you that you are struggling without your partner or you’re not moving on (“because you’ve not found someone else”) and that you made the wrong decision. They might also highlight how your ex has seemingly changed or achieved new things since you left, like buying a new car or starting new projects. The external world tends to focus on the outward appearance and actions of your ex, and they may feed you with these observations.

Moreover, it is challenging for someone who has left a relationship to find a new partner. Even society finds it difficult to accept someone who has come out of a divorce. It can lead you to question your decision and wonder if you made a mistake.

They may also suggest that you should have worked on the relationship, gone for couple’s therapy, or sought prayers instead of leaving. These external voices often fail to provide adequate support for you and may neglect to acknowledge the courage it took to leave the toxic relationship.

Rarely do external influencers, like the church or society, support and celebrate the person who left a toxic relationship. Their support is usually directed towards the relationship itself, encouraging couples to stay together. Divorce or leaving a toxic relationship is not commonly celebrated, and the prevailing narrative focuses on the importance of staying together rather than prioritizing individual happiness.

It is important to understand that these external influences can contribute to your feeling of doubt. However, it is crucial to remember that their opinions do not define your worth or the validity of your decision. Your well-being and happiness should be paramount, and seeking support from those who understand and validate your experiences can help you navigate these doubts and reaffirm that you made the right decision for yourself.

You Made the Right Decision

It may not be immediately clear, and you don’t even have to question the legitimacy of your decision, but leaving an abusive relationship is always the best decision. Although doubts may arise, you can focus on what you are doing to heal and improve your life in the present moment.

Healing involves addressing past wounds, subconscious beliefs, and negative distortions. As you work on yourself and free yourself from pain, you will come to understand that the image your ex portrays on social media or what others say does not define your reality.

In conclusion, you did not make a wrong decision by leaving a toxic relationship. It is the best choice for your well-being and the start of your journey towards personal freedom. Keep focusing on healing and overcoming negative beliefs from the past.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these subconscious patterns for good (in less than 2 months) using Mind Shifting, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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