HOW TO STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP AFTER ABUSE how to stop beating yourself up after abuse
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One thing is for sure; the enemy is never really out there; the enemy is always with us all the time. The most common thing in life is beating ourselves up, especially after we’ve done something that we deem as ‘wrong’ or something we’re not supposed to do. After leaving a toxic relationship, the face of beating yourself up can be something like:

“I should have known better; how could I not see that coming?”

“I deserved the abuse because I am always stupid and gullible.”

“I am such a loser; I should have left earlier.”

“Why always me? There must be something very wrong with me.”

Beating yourself up is just punching yourself with vile words throughout the day. You feel like a failure, and your mind spirals with negative thoughts about how everything in this world is because of your ‘silliness’. Even those things you clearly could not control, your mind will still find a way to twist them so that it looks like it’s all on you. It’s just a mean voice that drags you down as a worthless human being.

The other thing we need to note about this inner critic is it doesn’t punish us just for past mistakes; it punishes us with the hope that if we beat ourselves up, we will not repeat the same mistakes. It feels that if we let ourselves off the hook, we will repeat the same mistakes. It’s more of “spare the rod, spoil the child.” So, you may hope that by beating yourself up, you’ll be helping yourself and keeping away from danger, but it does the opposite and cripples you from seeking help or taking the steps to heal. When you’re overly self-critical, it doesn’t matter what you achieve; even if you win the Olympics, you’ll still be bothered by the fact that you couldn’t finish the race in a lesser time.

Why Do You Beat Yourself Up After Abuse?

The main reason we beat ourselves up in life is that we’ve been conditioned since childhood to associate beating ourselves as a form of self-motivation. At school, home, or church, the model was always using the cane to instill good behavior or to motivate someone to work towards their goals.

Also, the conditioning left little space for failure and instead focused more on perfection (getting the As) without any kind of validation for our small wins. You may have also been harshly criticized because of your behavior, looks, grades, or just anything about you. Those childhood experiences left emotional scars of inadequacy and insecurity deep within us. Without unlearning this, it means that in adulthood we’ll strive for perfection and harshly criticize ourselves every time we make a mistake.

A toxic relationship will amplify that inner voice more and more because it’s a place where you’re constantly criticized for your behavior and actions. You’re also rarely validated for your small wins, and anything you do is never good enough to make them happy.

So, your reality has just been distorted further to believe that you’ll always be the one ruining things, and your efforts will never be good enough. That’s why once you leave, you will be overly critical of yourself because of the invalidating voice of your ex and the beliefs you have about yourself courtesy of your upbringing. Beating yourself up is very harmful to your mental health, and your actions will not be geared towards making yourself better because you feel that you don’t deserve it.

How to Cope with Beating Yourself Up

Coping with beating yourself up is not the easiest thing to do because you may even be unwilling to act. The inner critic is just paralyzing and feeding you with thoughts like “nothing can help someone like me.” To stop beating yourself up, you need to show yourself compassion.

It’s more about accepting all the parts of yourself that you feel are flawed and then taking the steps to deal with them. It’s unconditionally loving all of yourself with all your flaws and weaknesses without any kind of harsh judgment. When you give yourself compassion, you’ll be picking yourself up because your deep self-hatred just pushes you away from yourself.

To practice self-compassion, I recommend this guided visualization (practicing self-acceptance in general aspects of life, not just for relationships) that will just offer you the realization of your current experience of beating yourself and help you flow into loving alignment with your present self. When you’re compassionate with yourself, you’ll be better positioned to work on those beliefs about yourself because you’ll be acting from the point of loving yourself and not from the point of beating yourself. (For other great coping mechanisms, check here.

The other way to permanently stop beating yourself up is to work on those deeply held beliefs about yourself. Those deeply held beliefs are not a depiction of who you are; they’re false beliefs you’ve picked up as a result of your life experiences.

They stop you from being in touch with your authentic self. When you dissolve those subconscious beliefs about yourself, you’ll be able to just see yourself for who you are presently and not for your past experiences. Beliefs drive our actions, and without transforming those beliefs, our actions will not be fully transformed.

When you heal your past wounds, you’ll be able to see that inner critic or that inner voice as just a voice but not something that should dictate your current behaviors and actions. The voice will also dissipate because there are no false beliefs about yourself which give that voice strength.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns (in less than 2 months) , then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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