How to Attract A Healthy Relationship

How to Attract A Healthy Relationship how to attract a healthy relationship
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We all desire healthy and fulfilling relationships, but along the way, we sometimes throw in the towel and settle for any guy or lady we meet around the corner. We may settle for less because we assume that if we don’t take that guy or lady who’s been showing interest, we might end up being alone, and we feel pressure to beat that ‘biological’ or ‘societal’ clock.

You might also have an unshakable belief that you had promised yourself to start a family when you reach the age of 25–30 years. So, when you realize that you’re at that age, you start to panic, wanting to beat that deadline.

You’re also pressured from all sides by your parents, friends, or anyone close to you, and you succumb to the pressure by accepting the advances of that guy/lady who you don’t even have a genuine connection with.

This is the period when you might start rationalizing and deceiving yourself with statements like, “At least, they’re not that bad, and I know we will solve those issues once we make it official. Also, I am strong enough to persevere and make it work.”

That’s typically how it goes with most relationships; it’s kind of on autopilot, steered by our limiting beliefs rooted in our environment and conditioning. I don’t blame you for being in an unhealthy relationship; we often lack enough exposure and understanding because these things are rarely taught in school, and our loved ones didn’t provide a better foundation either.

It’s a generational cycle of being in “not-so-bad” relationships without questioning why things happen that way. That’s why we must open our eyes, challenge past norms, and vow not to settle for less.

Learning about healthy relationships is one piece of that puzzle; another is understanding what needs to be done to attract those kinds of relationships. A healthy relationship embodies trust, connection, respect, growth, balance, and love. If you seek a lifelong partnership, isn’t it worth educating ourselves on how to achieve it? So, in this article, we’re going to explore some of the steps needed to attract a healthy relationship. We’ll also delve into how to date right.

So, How Do You Attract a Healthy Relationship?

  1. Heal Your Past Traumas

A key component in attracting a healthy relationship is shedding the emotional baggage from the past. We might have experienced past hurts and betrayals from our loved ones. When we carry the past with us, it means we’ll look for relationships that mirror our deep insecurities or past relationship patterns.

We might feel uncomfortable in healthy relationships because they offer consistent stability, which can be boring for someone used to the highs and lows of affection. When you’ve healed, you’ll seek a relationship not as an escape from emptiness, but as a place to share the love you already possess.

Healing also means seeking a relationship without the fear that it’s there to fill your emptiness. It lets you view life as it is presently, unaltered by the past. This enables you to open up and be vulnerable without fearing that people will harm you.

At times, we might not realize we’re carrying past trauma because of the stigma around the term “trauma” (even I, when I first heard it, felt it carried too much weight and wasn’t applicable to me). This is where you can ask yourself simple questions like, “Is there a past negative experience (especially with a close family member) that has greatly influenced how I act/live now?” This can shed light on the root of undesirable behaviors (such as people-pleasing, inability to set boundaries).

As a general rule, when you find yourself engaged in undesirable behavior you can’t stop, it probably indicates you’re carrying unresolved trauma. Seeking professional help to address stuck emotions is recommended to gain a clear perspective when looking for the right relationship and coming into loving alignment with yourself.

Healing from past experiences is the big domino in attracting healthy relationships; once achieved, the other steps become easier.

2. Understand Your Needs and Wants

Another crucial aspect to attract a healthy relationship is understanding your needs and wants clearly. This involves painting a picture of what your ideal relationship would look like. This image serves as your inner guidance when making life choices.

The clearer your vision of an ideal relationship, the better you’ll understand the steps to take to reach it. This is why you need to recognize your requirements, which are the non-negotiables that must be met for your relationship to work. To identify your non-negotiables, ask yourself questions like, “If I had everything except this, could I still make it work?”

If a partner you’re considering doesn’t meet your set standards, the relationship likely won’t work, and you’ll find yourself constantly wanting to change them. So, you must understand what you cannot compromise on. To attract a healthy relationship, recognize the things you can comfortably compromise on (wants) to accommodate the other person in your life. In relationships, wants are objects or activities providing stimulation, fun, and pleasure, and they can change or be substituted.

When you understand your needs and wants, you can communicate to your potential partner how you deserve to be treated. If you feel they can’t meet your needs, it’s not worth investing in that relationship. Most unhealthy relationships are built on wants (e.g., shared interests) instead of needs (affection, communication), making them prone to failure since wants can shift.

3. Be the Partner You Want

Another step to attract the partner you want is to become that kind of partner yourself. A common aspect of relationships is seeking something from the other person. This might be happiness, financial stability, wholeness, or looking for someone else to fix your problems.

To attract a healthy relationship, you need to reflect on the qualities you seek in a partner and honestly assess if you already possess them. At times, we expect others to provide for us when we can’t even provide for ourselves, which is contradictory. A healthy relationship shouldn’t be an escape or a crutch for your own shortcomings.

Enter it feeling whole, not looking for wholeness. This requires working on yourself and taking care of yourself, so you can meet your deep needs instead of burdening someone who’s also grappling with their own needs. A key question here is “What am I looking for in a partner?” Reflect on whether you possess these attributes and what you can do to meet your needs. This brings a sense of deep fulfillment in your aloneness — a state of being happy and successful while single.

4. Adopt and Act with an Abundance Mindset

Having a mindset that there are no good men or women will stop you from attracting a healthy relationship. With this mindset, you’ll settle for less, convinced that there are no quality partners and no need to put in the effort. This mindset might be reinforced when you look around and don’t see impressive prospects, as everyone seems to be settling and persevering in unhappy relationships.

Shifting to an abundance mindset frees you from this belief and makes you believe in the unlimited supply of partners in the world. It breaks you free from this limiting view, showing you a world of possibilities. It reminds you that even if a date next week doesn’t work, you’ll still find another one.

An abundance mindset lets you focus on possibilities and not worry about the number of dates; you won’t settle for less. It’s about believing “There are plenty of quality partners for me to choose from.” Note that this abundance mindset isn’t about just affirmations or superficial positivity; it’s a deep, unshakeable belief that fuels your actions. Healing from past hurts complements this abundance mindset.

5. Challenge Social Norms & Conditioning

To attract a healthy relationship, you might need to step away from widely accepted social norms. We’re conditioned based on our environment and upbringing, often accepting societal norms about relationships without questioning them.

When all we hear is that relationships require sacrifice or perseverance, we might find it hard to attract a healthy one. This mindset can force you into a relationship just to fit in, even if you feel it’s not right for you. Conditioning leaves little room for your own choices. You might end up in an unhealthy relationship because your loved ones say that’s how relationships are supposed to be.

Alongside your sense of duty and respecting your elders, you’re left with limited options. To attract a healthy relationship, step out of the crowd, expose yourself to new environments, and develop your perspective on how relationships should be.

Be willing to question and challenge widely held norms and base your decisions on how you truly feel, as emotional pain is felt individually, not as a crowd. Questioning everything with compassion can open your eyes to deep, fulfilling connections. This might not make you popular, but it’s the way to authenticity.

6. Be the Chooser

The final step to attract healthy relationships is to be the chooser. Being the chooser means taking full responsibility and initiative to get what you want. Take ownership of making things happen instead of waiting for them to happen. While it’s comfortable to wait to be chosen, someone who desires a healthy relationship steps up and reaches out to prospective partners.

If fear, anxiety, or insecurity holds you back, it indicates you have inner work to do. Your dating journey isn’t just about finding a partner; it’s about finding yourself. Placing yourself in scary situations full of rejection and failure can build resilience.

Being a chooser means taking charge of your life and understanding that you determine your own destiny. It requires confidence and effort, but it also yields confidence and effort in return. You have the power to choose the fulfilling relationships you want. This applies to both men and women; instead of hoping someone picks you, take the initiative.


Attracting healthy relationships isn’t easy; it demands stepping out of your comfort zone. Isn’t it better to work on yourself and learn more about relationships before committing for a long time? Isn’t it wiser to wait another year if you’re unsure, rather than rushing in? Isn’t it more cost-effective (emotionally and financially) to invest in self-improvement rather than facing the costs of a painful divorce?

These are questions to consider before jumping into a relationship. I understand the allure of temporary pleasure can be strong and blinding, which is why sometimes we need to consider the bigger picture. When we treat relationships as mere sources of temporary gratification, we end up feeling unfulfilled and unhappy.

If there’s one thing to take away, it’s that the only way to attract a healthy, deep, and fulfilling relationship is to work on yourself until you have a deep connection with yourself. Our relationships are mirrors of what’s inside us. We have the power to rise above settling for unfulfilling partnerships and be better role models.

Tony Robbins says the quality of your life depends on the quality of your relationships, but I believe the quality of your relationships depends on the quality of your life.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns (in less than 2 months) , then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.



2. Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life & the Life That You Love (p. 90–132). RCN Press. Kindle Edition.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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