Did You Really Love the Abuser?

Did You Really Love the Abuser? did you really love the abuser?
Photo by Michael Fenton on Unsplash

Today, I’ll be addressing the question of whether you truly loved your abuser or abusive ex. Let me share with you the perspective that it’s more likely you were not in love but rather extremely attached and dependent on them. This is not to invalidate you but to challenge you to think and think deeper beyond the current box you’re or you’ve been caught in. Genuine love doesn’t entail emotional dependence; it involves mutual growth. In an abusive relationship, you might have felt you couldn’t live without the other person, but this isn’t love. Love should enhance your life; not make you sacrifice yourself.

In an abusive relationship, where you give up everything, sacrifice your boundaries, friendships, and dreams, it becomes a one-sided affair. When the relationship excludes or drains you, it’s not rooted in love; it’s about fulfilling the other person’s needs. True love involves growth, and if the relationship is hindering your growth, it’s not love.

Consider the counterintuitive nature of love — it should empower you to live without them, not make you feel dependent. If the relationship is excluding or removing you, it’s not love; it’s you caring for someone else’s needs. The resentment and hate you may feel, not just towards them but also towards yourself, indicate that it wasn’t love but extreme emotional and addictive attachment.

When love is genuine, it aids personal growth. In contrast, the feeling of “loving them so much” in an abusive relationship is often rooted in fear — fear of abandonment, fear of not finding someone else, or fear of them leaving if certain conditions aren’t met. This fear-driven attachment is not love.

Reflect on how love operates with your children especially when they are still toddlers. It’s natural, unconditional, and doesn’t deplete you. In contrast, an abusive relationship creates highs and lows, making you addicted to the admiration and validation. Love should not harm you or make you feel depleted.

Don’t get caught up in the idea of loving them so much; focus on understanding the pain you’re experiencing. Sacrifice and perseverance in an abusive relationship are not love; they stem from conditioning and fear. True love brings lightness, not heaviness or obligation.

It’s challenging to find a relationship that genuinely includes you. Society conditions us to give to others without questioning who gives to us. True love goes beyond sacrifice and conditioning. Deal with the pain first, and then you may gain insights into what love truly is.

I hope you find this information helpful. Focus on dealing with the pain rather than overthinking whether it was love or not. Once you deal with the pain and challenge your default patterns and you conditioning, then probably you will start feeling some light kind of way, something you may have never felt before. Love is a loaded word and you don’t have to dwell on it so much but instead focus on what’s visibly clear to you, which is the pain you’re feeling deep inside.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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