Why Do You Still Want the Narcissist Back?

Why Do You Still Want the Narcissist Back? why do you still want the narcissist back?
Photo by Ricky Kharawala on Unsplash

You’ve left that relationship and it’s probably not the first time you’ve done so. You’ve been having an on and off kind of relationship but you still want them back. You’re even beating yourself up and even those around you are tired of you complaining about the abuser and still wanting them back. You feel so stupid that you crave and desire someone who’s done atrocious things to you.

Logically and realistically, it doesn’t even make sense that you want them back. You may be checking your phone every other minute to see if they’ve called or even stalking them on social media and you can’t stop yourself from doing. Part of you hates them for what they did while some other parts still wants to lay in those arms.

For now, you don’t even care if they’re abusive or not, you just want them and no one can tell you otherwise. You’re even begging them to call you back or just text and you’ll do anything they want you to. You’re desperate for them yet logically you know they’re not changing and you’ve even lost the hope that they will change their behaviors.

You even convince yourself that this time round you’ll persevere and try to be a better ‘communicator’ and understand them more. Your mind will come up with all kinds of excuses to justify why you just want to be with them because the place you’re in is just so uncomfortable. So, what are some of the reasons why you want the narcissist back so badly?

1. Loneliness

Loneliness is a pitch-black hole filled with emptiness and utter despair. When the narcissist is not around, you experience a deep feeling of loneliness you’ve never felt before. When loneliness eats you on the inside, you’ll feel so isolated and disconnected from the rest of the world. You feel dead inside and you’ll crave anything just to fill this emptiness.


The relationship in itself isolated you from the outside world but it at least covered the loneliness which was already there inside as you were busy supplying the narcissist with their needs. You also feel that you’re unworthy of any authentic connection in life and the only one who can at least ease the feeling of loneliness is your abusive ex. When you’re very lonely, anything is better than nothing. The first ‘anything’ which will come to your mind will always be your narcissistic ex because you’re so familiar with them.

We go back to the saying of, “Better the devil you know, than the angel you don’t know.” When we’re lonely in life and we’ve not yet really embraced it, we’ll look for distractions to at least temporarily ease the pain. But for someone who’s been in a narcissist, they may be lacking those healthy distractions because they’ve spent most of their time in the relationship. So, the only distraction they’re accustomed to and the human touch which comes to mind is of course, their narcissistic ex. (Read more on loneliness here).

2. You’re Feeling More Painful

Another thing which closely ties to the point on loneliness is when you’ve left the relationship, you’re exposed. The lack of the narcissist is exposing all the emotional baggage you’ve been repressing in that relationship, which is quite painful. All those anxieties and stress as well as other kinds of negative emotions are swarming into your life.

When you were in the relationship, you kept bottling those negative emotions so that you could survive and live through each day. You didn’t want to upset the narcissist with your tears, anger and frustration. The narcissist also invalidated your emotions because you were such a cry baby. As a result, you’ve numbed your emotions till you’ve gotten to the point of, “I feel nothing.” When you numb your emotions, they don’t really go away, they’re just being stored in your body till the day you process them.

So, when you leave the narcissist and you’re not aware of the fact that you’ll feel more pain then realistically speaking, you were better off in that relationship. The abusive relationship will now look like a safe haven against the painful emotions.


In fact, that’s why you will hear or even have thoughts like, “I am in so much pain. I was better off with the narcissist.” So, if you’re not seeking any kind of help or you’re not healing, you will want that narcissist back because it is a band-aid to the painful feeling you’re experiencing. Unless you’re aware and you are comfortable with working with the pain, a dirty band-aid will be a viable option.

So, the narcissist is abusive and hurtful but at the same time they provide a distraction (unhealthy distraction) from the painful emotions we’re bottling deep within us. That’s actually why people avoid healing or really going deeper because the moment you stir the pot, there’s no going back till you fully process those negative emotions.

3. Convenience and the Path of Least Resistance

Another reason why you may want them back is it may look like the best route depending on your current circumstances. This is more of the surface level kind of realistic stuff. Let’s first admit that it’s not easy to start over. It’s not easy to look for another partner, to go to court, to ‘co-parent’, to do the divorce process, to tell your friends and parents that your marriage/relationship (even after that expensive wedding), to split the joint property, pride, to look for a house or to lose the investment.

It’s not easy to just lose the things which the relationship or the narcissist provided you with. In fact, that feeling of investment in a relationship is what makes people stay in an abusive relationship for far too long or just want to ignore the facts and force the relationship to work. For example, if you have kids together and you don’t have your own money and they’re bullying you during the divorce process, you’d want them back just to avoid the hustle and the stresses of finalizing things with them.

If you just get them back, you’ll be avoiding all those tough and tedious processes involved in settling the divorce process or even ‘co-parenting with them.’ Let’s be honest, it’s easy to parent with a narcissist when you’re in the ‘same roof’ than when you’re living separately. That’s why you’ll just want them back because it provides the easy path of avoiding those challenges brought forth by the absence of the narcissist.

There are a number of reasons why you want them back (like trauma bonding- read more here) but I wanted to cover to seemingly logical explanations just to help you understand that you’re not stupid for wanting them back, it’s still part of the healing process. You’re not stupid or crazy for wanting them back, it may look so but that’s your current reality (distorted because of past hurts).

Do not beat yourself up or wallow so much on the fact that you want them back but instead focus on how you can deal with the pain you’re feeling deep inside. Do not run away from those painful emotions any longer, when you run away you’re still carrying them with you and you’re even piling more and more emotional baggage. Stop and look for a safe space to process those hurts and you’ll be free.

Some may look logically impossible to overcome but as you heal, you’ll realize that there are solutions even when you feel that narcissist has really pushed you to the corner. In conclusion, simplify your healing journey to just focusing on the pain you’re going through and how you can transcend it and you’ll be working yourself towards a rich and deeply fulfilling life.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns (in less than 2 months) , then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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