Why Do Narcissists Leave and Come Back?

When a narcissist leaves the relationship or discards you, it is a blessing in disguise, as you are finally breaking free from someone who has done hurtful and unmentionable things to you. They may leave for a couple of months, even start a new relationship or find a new catch, and you may think they are now fully gone.

However, after some time, you may find them knocking at your door or wanting you back in their lives. They may apologize, confess their new insights or ‘love,’ or even convince you that they’ve changed their behaviors. Because you still have feelings for them or you’re an empathetic human being, you may end up giving them another chance, and then the cycle of abuse starts again. So, why do narcissists come back to the relationship?


You may think it’s love if they now realize their mistakes, but that’s never the case for someone who’s used to taking shortcuts or manipulation to get what they want. They come back to the relationship because there is something they still need from you. It can be money, sex, validation, reputation, attention, or just anything that keeps their mask intact.

They mostly come back when they’ve run out of this supply elsewhere or they’re not getting as much as they’d like or just to spice up their life with different supplies. They come back to use you for their own needs, not because they want the relationship to work.

Fear of Abandonment

They also come back to the relationship because deep inside, they’re afraid of being alone. When they’re alone, it triggers some of the unhealed stuff behind the mask, or it exposes the gaping hole deep inside. To find temporary relief from this gaping hole, they come back to the relationship so that they can avoid facing the pain they’re running away from. They fear rejection or being left alone just like anyone else, but theirs cuts much deeper.

They may not look like it, but they just put on a mask as if they’ve got it together, yet deep inside, they’re aching, and their overly possessive nature shows their deep fear of being left alone.

When we talk about narcissists, we forget that they’re human beings who have even deeper insecurities, which is why they go to extra or even unnatural lengths to run away from these deep fears. That’s why they may really want you back or come back to the relationship just to fill that deep consuming void.

Don’t Take Them Back

Some part of you may really feel for your narcissistic ex who’s gone through a lot, but you’ve also been through a lot. They’ve subjected you to a lot of lies and various kinds of emotional abuse. You may really be convinced that they’ve changed, but how many times have they professed that? Have you changed or healed from the pain they’ve caused you?

We may get stuck understanding the “whys” of another human being without really looking at the pain we’re going through. The main focus should be dealing with or breaking free from those unhealthy patterns in our lives because without that, you may also want them back in your life as a form of ‘supply’ or because of the fear of abandonment. You may want them back because you’re afraid of being alone, as being alone reminds you or brings to awareness the deep insecurities and fears that need to be worked on.

The moment you work on those deep fears and insecurities is the moment you’ll stop even bothering about why they come back or why they leave. When you work on your own deep issues, you’re taking back the key to your inner house from your unhealed self. You’re taking your choice back from your past experiences, which take you back to the familiar. You’re the only one who can keep them away from your life. Focus on yourself; don’t get distracted by the “whys.”

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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