Why Do I Miss the Narcissist So Much?

Why Do I Miss the Narcissist So Much? why do i miss the narcissist so much?
Photo by Alexander Lam on Unsplash

Once you’ve exited that narcissistic relationship, you expect to finally be free from the clutches of someone who betrayed you. However, one thing is clear: while you might be physically liberated, their presence remains in your mind.

Even if you’re effectively practicing No Contact, you find yourself increasingly missing your narcissistic ex. You’re baffled by how you can yearn for someone who has turned your life into a living nightmare. Anticipating a celebratory mood for your newfound freedom, you instead find each day consumed by obsessive thoughts and longing for their touch or companionship.

This experience is typical after parting ways with a toxic partner. What adds to the pain is your inability to comprehend why you’re missing someone so manipulative. This confusion leaves you feeling lost, sad, and possibly self-loathing or self-blame for the turmoil in your life.

“How can I miss the person who hurt and betrayed me?” is a question that incessantly echoes in your mind. This sentiment may even tempt you to reach out to them, seeking to apologize and thereby escape the agonizing emotions stemming from your longing. So, why do we find ourselves missing our toxic exes?

  1. You Miss Who They Once Were

Undoubtedly, one of the reasons you miss the narcissist is your tendency to dwell on the early stages of the relationship when your idealized soulmate was present. You long for the love bombing phase, during which the narcissist resembled the van Gogh of your life, painting and reflecting the perfect canvas of your deepest desires. You ache for the moments when the narcissist wore a mask of validation, charm, and attention, making you feel unique, whole, and loved. Put simply, you yearn for the positive memories you shared with them. What you miss even more are the extravagant gestures they may have employed (lavish dinners or fairy tale-like events), creating lasting memories that feel irreplaceable and desirable.

2. Human Conditioning and Desire

Another reason for your yearning is rooted in the fact that humans are conditioned or wired to desire what’s absent. When we’re separated from something or someone familiar, a sense of distance and scarcity forms. This absence creates a perceived value, a desire that intensifies due to the lack.


It mirrors our possessive human conditioning, where we perpetually seek what’s beyond our grasp. Consider the example of wanting a specific watch; once acquired, the initial excitement diminishes over a few days or hours, replaced by the desire for something new. Similar dynamics apply to missing your narcissistic ex.

The absence creates desire, yet once reunited, the once-burning desire may wane. Our human nature propels us to want what we don’t possess. Furthermore, witnessing them move on with someone else might heighten your urge to reclaim that ownership.

“The very nature of desire is that it remains unfulfilled.” — Osho

3. Longing for the Highs and Lows (Addictive Sensation)

A narcissistic relationship is characterized by alternating cycles of affection followed by extended periods of abuse. This experience is akin to addiction, with its highs and lows akin to the sensation of a drug or gambling. You yearn for those instances of love and affection, much like a drug addict craves the euphoric high.

This high corresponds to a spike in dopamine, and the resulting peaks and valleys mirror your preferred addiction. For instance, an alcoholic acknowledges the detrimental effects of alcohol but continues due to the intoxicating high. Similarly, you miss the heavenly highs and the thrilling roller coaster that the relationship provided.

4. Missing Their Positive Traits

Narcissists possess qualities that you admire, contributing to your longing for them. These traits may include physical attractiveness, superficial charm, confidence, persuasiveness, ambition, carefree attitude, or a sense of humor. Some of these characteristics may have made you feel loved and secure. Additionally, you might believe that certain traits brought out the best in you.

5. Sense of Familiarity

Your longing might also stem from the narcissist’s resemblance to someone important from your past. Their behaviors could remind you of an aunt, grandmother, or other loved ones who displayed narcissistic tendencies. This connection to your past triggers nostalgia and makes you yearn for the familiar environment they created. This environment might evoke feelings of safety and comfort.


6. Clinging to Hope

Another reason for your yearning is the hope that they have changed. This hope leads to thoughts such as “What if I made a mistake?” or “What if their promised future comes true?” You miss the partner they promised to become and the future they pledged to build together. The excitement of holding onto this hope contributes to your longing.


It’s painful to miss someone who has caused you so much pain, but the challenge isn’t in missing them; rather, it’s in resisting the fact that you miss someone who betrayed you. Missing something is a natural aspect of life, but what intensifies the pain is the internal conflict between missing the narcissist and believing you shouldn’t.

This internal battle breeds self-hatred, blame, shame, sadness, and anxiety. Missing someone doesn’t equate to desiring a return to the toxic relationship; it’s about acknowledging your emotions as part of the healing journey.

The key takeaway is that it’s okay to miss them; what’s detrimental are the negative emotions that result from this longing. Your goal is not to erase them from your thoughts but to ensure their presence doesn’t trigger a cycle of negative emotions.

This concept might be challenging to grasp, yet understanding that a narcissistic ex’s place in your mind is merely a memory from the past will free you from the self-inflicted pain in your healing process. The essence of healing involves shedding the emotional residue of past experiences, allowing you to live fully in the present moment.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns (in less than 2 months) , then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.


1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmzkr24ryhg

2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2966ShzQZTM&t=27s

3. https://www.yourtango.com/experts/lisa-hawkins/when-you-start-missing-your-narcissistic-ex-remember-this

4. https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/02/the-real-reason-you-miss-the-narcissist/

5. https://themindsjournal.com/miss-the-narcissist-in-your-life/

6. https://visiblehearts.com/why-do-i-miss-the-narcissist-so-much/

Share your love
Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

Articles: 831

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *