You broke up with your emotionally abusive ex for a reason: they were calling you names, demeaning you, flying into huge bursts of rage, gaslighting you, or otherwise treating you with a level of disrespect you knew you didn’t deserve. 

After the breakup, you decided to keep the lines of communication open, but the vile words pouring from their mouth didn’t stop. So you said to yourself, “You know what? I’m playing with fire — I’m going full no-contact with this person.”

After seeking advice from a close friend, you realize that you can’t truly be friends with someone who doesn’t show you respect — even if you have strong boundaries. 

You also come to understand that keeping tabs on your ex is like playing with fire — two fires, actually: the fire of desire, which can stir up good memories and pull you back in at a moment’s notice, and the fire of dread, where you wake up each morning anxious about what kind of message they’ll send you next.

When the ‘No Contact Door is Half Open’

That’s what it looks like for most of us who hesitate to shut the door completely on our exes. But when you realize that ‘No Contact’ is necessary, you find the courage to go through with it — even if it feels like there’s still unfinished business.

You might choose to write them a long message explaining that they’ll never hear from you again, and then block them on all platforms.

But let’s be honest — we’re not in the Stone Age relying on smoke signals. There’s no such thing as ‘complete’ no contact. They might still try to reach you through different phone numbers, emails, or even the one source you can’t fully block: your friends and family.

So, what should you expect when your emotionally abusive ex sends a message or reaches out to your friends and family when you’re practicing ‘no contact’?

They will not Paint you as A Saint – Smear Campaign

The first thing we need to understand is this: your ex is not really (maybe sometimes- will explain that later) going to paint you as a saint when they reach out to your close friends or family. They’re not going to scream your praises or thank you for all the times you showed up for them.

There’s a part of your identity which may be secretly longing for that genuine thank you or for some flowers from them, but the mind does not work that way. It works on the opposite, they will probably blackmail you when they reach out to your friends and family, and they will even share some evidence of how you ruined their life.

They might tell your family and friends that you led them into depression or that they’re about to be homeless because of you, attributing most of the things happening in their lives to you — instead of acknowledging that they’re not taking responsibility and have been playing the victim most of the time.

It’s also important to understand that you may genuinely feel like you have a part to play in their circumstances — and your mind might even convince you of that. But don’t fall for it. 

You are your responsibility now- you always were. 

If you were to sit down and write out a list of all the sacrifices you made for them, even the world wouldn’t be able to repay you. Their claims would seem baseless — mere pennies compared to everything you’ve done.

An emotionally abusive person — or rather, someone who hasn’t taken the time to look within themselves — operates mostly on autopilot, unconsciously. The “unsaintly” things you may have done will be magnified, while the saintly acts will be buried in a deep sea of negativity.

So, when you know they won’t paint you as a saint, expect anything — and by anything, I mean even emotional blackmail, like them claiming they might end their life because of you. It can be incredibly triggering, but you must keep moving forward. Allow yourself to feel those emotions but remember: you are your responsibility now. Their healing is their job, not yours.

When they Paint You as a Saint

I know you might be thinking, But what happens when they send good vibes or even a kind message through friends or family? You do the same thing: if it’s forwarded to you, don’t read it — just delete it and move on. It may be tempting, and you might feel a strong urge to reconcile, but remember — those old doors closed for a reason. You have new doors now.

When you’ve just left someone who did one on you, even when you’ve healed, there’s still a feeble part of your unconscious which may feel the irresistible urge to go back to them, after all you were once deeply attracted to them, (maybe you can go back and have a one night stand or one last cuddle because you know your boundaries now and you’ve healed. Lol- You will fall for this trap along the way — look at it.)

That’s how tricky it can be sometimes, but you’ve got to stand firm and let their calls for reconciliation pass through the same channel as the blackmail messages — do not respond. That’s the final test on your journey to fully moving on. The moment you open that door, you start reminiscing about the good memories again and begin to feel the urge to rekindle the love you once had.

Even if they really mean it, or have reflected and contemplated, that’s good for them. What’s truly good for you is your inner peace, freedom, and the deep understanding you’ve gained now.

Conclusion

So, whether your emotionally abusive ex comes back through your friends portraying themselves as a saint or painting you as one, the approach should remain the same: do not believe them, and don’t even bat an eyelid. You may feel the urge to engage, but take deep breaths and keep the door shut. If your family or friends are on your side, you can even ask them to block your ex as well — if they’re willing to do so. And if they’re not, simply inform them not to send you any messages from your ex, even if those messages seem positive.

As a last resort, if they keep sending messages through others, maintain your boundaries firmly and block those channels of indirect communication too.

You can’t achieve full no contact in this day and age, but what you can do is seal the loopholes that might reopen communication channels as they arise. 

This is especially necessary when you’re still fresh in your healing journey, but also important when you feel you’ve healed or worked on yourself. 

You don’t need to put on tight shoes or keep in touch with your ex — let them stay where they are, and you keep soldiering on.

It may be a rough journey, but it’s better to have a rough journey with yourself than a smooth journey where your pain is in the driver’s seat and you’ve lost touch with who you are.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.