One of the most common traps victims of abuse fall into is believing that healing means forgetting everything.

It’s completely understandable to want to forget the atrocious things your ex put you through. You may want to forget the name-calling, the outbursts, the belittling comments, the ridicule, the walking on eggshells, the intimidation – all those emotionally abusive ways or even the physical violence you endured at their hands.

It seems like a logical and realistic goal — to forget. In fact, some of the clients I’ve worked with have said that if they could take a pill to erase their past memories, they would do it in the blink of an eye.

The idea of forgetting or erasing the memories is understandable, especially because we assume that without those memories, we won’t experience flashbacks or intrusive thoughts — those moments when painful memories flood in while we’re just trying to go about our day.

When you’re Busy -You Can forget for A Second

Sometimes, this state of “forgetting” can even feel possible, particularly when we immerse ourselves in other activities — like overworking, excessive exercise, or jumping into a new and exciting relationship. These distractions can create a temporary illusion of having forgotten about the past. 

The intensity or busyness of the new experience can make it seem like the past is behind you, simply because you’re caught up in the highs of the moment.

Many people who have been in — or just stepped out of — an abusive relationship often see these activities as necessary distractions to help them forget the past.

When you’re deeply engaged in something, you can lose your sense of time and become unaware of what’s happening both around you and within you.

Being Busy = Self-Deception

The deceptive nature of becoming absorbed in such distractions is that your mind can trick you into believing you’ve moved on from the past. For a while, you might even feel genuinely happy or relieved — but is that really what’s happening? In truth, those memories aren’t gone; they’re just being swept under the rug.

When you jump into another relationship or bury yourself in work in the hope of forgetting, you’re not doing yourself much of a service. In fact, you’re delaying your healing journey. You’re holding on to those memories even more tightly by not facing them.

As the saying goes, what you resist, persists — and what you sweep aside doesn’t disappear; it just waits to resurface later, often more powerfully.

Forgotten Wounds Does Not Equals a Healed Wound

Another tricky part is that by burying those memories or “forgetting” them, you may genuinely convince yourself that you’ve healed. It’s like having a wound and, instead of going to the hospital or properly tending to it, you just keep adding more bandages.

Eventually, the wound becomes out of sight, almost like a distant memory. But just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s gone. It’s still there — lurking beneath the surface. And because it’s hidden, you don’t give it the attention or care it needs to truly heal.

Over time, that untreated wound starts to affect other parts of your body, and strange symptoms begin to appear. You find yourself wondering like, what’s really going on?

That’s exactly how unresolved trauma or ptsd works. You might think you’ve erased the memories, but they resurface in subtle, often confusing ways — like chronic fatigue, persistent muscle tension, numbness, fibromyalgia, or even some autoimmune conditions.

The body remembers what the mind tries to forget.

Wanting to Forget is Postponing your Healing

See, you might try to force yourself to forget or even set a goal to erase the past — but in doing so, you’re actually carrying the weight of those memories for much longer. You’re postponing the actual solution that your wounds truly need. It may seem logical to forget — to chase after that imaginary pill that can suppress the memories — but to what end?

Eventually, those unresolved experiences don’t just disappear. They find other ways to manifest through some hidden or unclear symptoms. The more you avoid the past, the more those unprocessed experiences accumulate. As Gabor Maté, a renowned trauma expert, often emphasizes, suppressed emotions don’t disappear—they manifest in the body, sometimes as chronic illness or emotional dysregulation.

So, how do you erase your past?

The only way to truly “forget” or release the memories is to bring them into your conscious awareness — to release the sensations that are holding those memories in place. Think of the memories as pieces of data, and the sensations as strings that keep them anchored. By untying those knots — those emotional binds — you begin to release the anchors that are keeping you stuck in the past.

When you heal, those traumatic memories no longer control you. They become just memories — experiences you can reflect on and learn from, rather than limitations that shape or restrict your choices in your present life.

On the other hand, when you try to erase or force yourself to forget those memories, you’re actually submitting to their power. You’re letting the past dictate your present. But when you choose to process and integrate those memories, you reclaim your freedom. You’re giving yourself the choice to live fully in the present — no longer limited by the past, but instead enriched by it.

Your experiences no longer limit your life experiences; they expand it.

Conclusion

In conclusion, healing isn’t about forgetting the past or wishing it away. That only keeps you stuck — and the truth is, you can never truly forget everything. Your body already holds the score of what happened. The more you avoid it, the more those unprocessed experiences pile up. As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explains in The Body Keeps the Score, traumatic experiences are stored in the body, and unless they’re processed, they continue to shape our emotions, behaviors, and physical health.

But if there’s one takeaway from all this, it’s that healing is about making peace with your past. It’s about acknowledging those memories, facing them with compassion, and recognizing that they no longer have to dictate your present. 

They’re a part of your story, but they don’t get to write the next chapter — you do.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.