It may go like this: “Hey, I want to swallow my pride and reach out to you to apologize for what happened. I know we may have misunderstood each other, and some of that was on my end. I’m coming to you as someone who was once your friend, and I want to say sorry—not so that we can get back together, but because I choose peace.”

Yep! Your ex—regardless of how things ended in that nasty breakup or divorce—may come back to you with a long apology or even an offer of reconciliation. And that can really catch you off guard, throwing your compassionate identity into a spin. Your heart might sink, sometimes with joy or relief, and your mind may rush in with fantasies of what could be, especially with the belief that your ex has finally changed.

Mind you, this message might come weeks or even months after the nasty breakup—after you finally pulled yourself out of their manipulative and emotionally abusive mind games. So, what do you do now? Do you block them? Delete the message? Or do you open the door, hoping this time you’ll finally get the relationship you always wished for with them?

Here’s the thing: an apology—whether it sounds genuine or not—doesn’t mean you should go back to the person you once ran away from. You may feel tempted to reach out, to finally mend things and get that closure you think you need to move on. But don’t do it.

Your mind and body, conditioned by the familiarity that person once provided (even if it was toxic), will nudge you to consider meeting up—maybe even setting up that coffee date. Actually, that’s how most of the clients I’ve worked with found themselves slipping back into those old patterns. It often starts with a call for reconciliation, and a claim that they’ve finally lowered their ego “for the greater good.”

Don’t bother trying to reconcile—especially when you’re still in the early stages of your healing journey, when you’re still piecing yourself back together.

Even if they involve a third party, or someone else urges you to reach out, just let it pass. They can apologize all they want, but here’s what I want you to know: the only apology you truly owe is the one you give yourself. You owe yourself peace of mind—the freedom from the pain and resentment you’ve been carrying. The pain that kept you stuck in those unhealthy situations for far too long. That’s where your full focus should be: inward, on healing and reclaiming yourself.

I get it—an offer of reconciliation from your ex might bring some temporary relief. But don’t let that distract you from the deeper truth: real relief doesn’t come from others. It comes from you acknowledging the pain and the unresolved fears that are still quietly controlling and running your life behind the scenes. Those are the parts of you that truly need reconciliation.

Because once you make peace with those inner wounds, your ex claiming they’ve changed won’t throw you into a spiral. It’ll just feel like a small, harmless prick—nothing strong enough to pull you back into their world of deceit and emotional blackmail.

Also, what many victims of abuse fail to realize is this: their change is their change—and it’s none of your business. Your ex’s journey is theirs to walk. Their baggage is theirs to carry.

You have no obligation to check in, to wonder if they’ve truly changed, or to respond to that message of reconciliation. You are not obligated to reply. Don’t print it out, don’t save it in your archives—just delete it. Let it go. Your energy is better spent on your own journey of growth and healing. That’s where your true power is.

Push on and focus on offloading what is already there. By doing so, you will be reconciling with someone who deserves it the most. You will be doing a service to the one person who has been naively and innocently dragged into harmful situations, partly because of their goodness and lack of proper boundaries. Even if your friends nudge you to do it, don’t do it. Just be honest with yourself and your limits—that’s how you reclaim yourself from that which is not you.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.