Emotional abuse is often subtle, but the consequences are dire. Some of what we call abuse may be the perpetrator’s unconscious reaction to being triggered, while other times they are fully aware of what they’re doing. Today, I would like to talk about sleep deprivation, how it manifests in toxic relationships, and why it may be difficult for you to spot.

We’ve all experienced this in our relationships because relationships are essentially two human beings, or rather two egos, each with different perspectives of reality. Yet, most of the time, each person views their own side as the correct one, especially those who carry a sense of entitlement, control, or dominance over the relationship or situation.

So now, when it comes to what you want and what they want, it sometimes leads to constant conflict.

One of those things you may want is sleep, or simply quality rest, but your partner will not let you have it. They may find one way or another to disrupt your sleep, either unconsciously or consciously. 

It may start with a seemingly innocent statement like, “I want to talk to you till morning because I don’t want to let you go,” and escalate to more torturous actions like playing loud music just as you are about to sleep.

In fact, someone shared on a popular subreddit that their partner used to play video games the whole night, and when asked to lower the volume, they retaliated by turning it up even louder. And you know how difficult it is to sleep in noisy conditions. That’s the thing about sleep deprivation, your partner may consciously or unconsciously disregard your boundaries around rest. They may push you to the point where you are forced to sleep in the garage or another room, just to preserve a bit of peace.

And we all know the consequences of lacking enough sleep. You suffer, you feel exhausted, and you may even lose that job or miss out on that interview because you simply can’t focus. In fact, many victims of abuse have shared that their partners often made it especially hard for them to get quality sleep before important days — almost as if to sabotage their peace and performance.

That’s what sleep deprivation is all about. It may happen unintentionally, but it is just how your relationship gradually and subtly ruins your sleep. You end up not getting enough quality sleep to keep you rejuvenated throughout the day. “Enough sleep” is relative, but adults need at least seven to nine hours of sleep a night.

When you have experienced sleep deprivation in a toxic relationship, you may find it really hard to adopt a proper sleeping routine once you leave, as you will still be associating sleep with torture or as a reminder of the abuse you went through.

Why It Might Happen Unconsciously

Here is a thing to note: not every human being you are in a relationship with, or even someone who interrupts your sleep, does this intentionally. It mostly happens unconsciously. When you have a partner who is dominant, domineering, or even abusive, they often carry a lot of baggage and need constant attention. This can show up as watching movies excessively until morning, playing video games all night, or talking nonstop because they do not want to be left alone.

You see, when they are alone or there is some sense of quiet and calm, they get triggered easily because they are confronted with the void deep inside.

 Nothing is as triggering to an emotionally abusive person as seeing you calm and peacefully asleep when they themselves struggle with sleep. This may manifest as having trouble sleeping and then unintentionally wanting you to stay awake with them in an unhealthy way.

Even in some seemingly healthy relationships, there is a blurry line where one partner wants to keep the other company day in and day out without realizing that they are sacrificing their own wellbeing.

So, they may not know they are doing it, as this can happen in most cases of emotional abuse, but that does not mean we have to let it slide. That is where boundaries come in.

Importance of boundaries

As with most cases of emotional abuse, you may never know if it is unconscious or conscious without first understanding your own boundaries. In this instance, your boundaries around rest and quality sleep are crucial.

When they are too blurry, you may stay awake all night soothing your partner or keeping them company. A few weeks down the line, your physical health may start deteriorating as you rely on coffee or other stimulants just to stay awake for your partner.

So, without that awareness of how you are supposed to take care of yourself, you will not have any frame of reference when someone, intentionally or unintentionally, disregards your space.

But when you have good boundaries and are deeply aware of their importance in your life, you will see sleep deprivation coming from a mile away. At first, you may let it slide, but as it continues, you will realize that you need that space. If your partner is understanding and also recognizes that sleep is good for both of you, they will say thank you, and you can discuss and find a system that works for both of you.

You will know it is manipulative when you set boundaries around sleep and they constantly disregard them, or even gaslight you into believing that your relationship is more important than your rest. It can sound something like, “You sleep too early and you are not there for me.” When you insist on your boundaries, they may get angry and make you feel as though you have done something atrocious.

The golden rule is this: when they cannot support you and your boundaries, and instead disregard or even ridicule them, you are entering toxic relationship territory. It is better to abandon that ship before it sails deeper into the sea.

I know you may want to give ‘love’ a chance, which is okay, but sometimes you have to give yourself a chance to lead a peaceful life as well. That is what happens when you understand your boundaries and truly see them as part of your sense of self. You will weed out those who constantly breach them and only attract those who respect their own boundaries.

Conclusion

In conclusion, sleep deprivation may take many forms, but simply put, it is your relationship interfering with your need for quality sleep, either in subtle or forceful ways.

It may happen intentionally or unintentionally, but it is up to you and your awareness of your boundaries to be fully conscious of what they are doing before they breach your territory and drive you to walk to work feeling like a zombie, with dark circles under your eyes and exhaustion, simply because your partner is anti-sleep.

Not all of it is abuse, but we need not dwell on their actions. Instead, we should focus on our own actions and choices.

Are we sacrificing our sleep and health for them, or are we doing it out of choice? One sacrifice here and there is okay, but when it starts affecting your health and you feel trapped with no options, you need to be careful.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

Further Reads

1. How to Spot Sleep Deprivation as an Abuse Tactic | PS Love

2. https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/1g773r7/sleep_deprivation_form_of_abuse/

3. https://www.instagram.com/reel/DIwT1RAzBvs/