Healing from Abuse: What If You Stopped Obsessing Over Whether They’re a Narcissist?

Healing from Abuse: What If You Stopped Obsessing Over Whether They’re a Narcissist? narcissist

Have you ever asked yourself : what would have happened if you didn’t spend so much time analysing narcissism? What if you weren’t constantly trying to figure out whether they were covert or malignant, grandiose or vulnerable narcissist? What if your healing didn’t depend on labelling them, but on understanding you?

Don’t get me wrong, understanding a little bit of narcissism can be useful, like a pinch of salt in a recipe.

It can help you name your suffering and give you insight into their games of deceit and manipulation , the gaslighting that makes you question your sanity, the mind games and hot-and-cold behaviour that leave you in confusion.

But remember, it’s meant to only provide context, a temporary shelter, not the home you’re meant to live in. This is because the more you obsess over them, the more you start to overlook the one person who really needs your attention: yourself.


The Narc Label: A Blank Check?

Let’s keep going. In some circles, the label “narcissist” or being involved with someone who displays those tendencies as described by experts may give victims some sort of blank check. Boundaries get abit blurred. 

The phrase “because I was abused” can easily then be moulded into a justification for entitlement, emotional lashing out, retaliation, or passive-aggression.

Healing from Abuse: What If You Stopped Obsessing Over Whether They’re a Narcissist? narcissist

That’s where the phrase “hurt people hurt people” becomes very relevant. The emotional fragility or unconscious behaviour of someone who has been through abuse can end up hurting innocent bystanders. 

If they enter a relationship with a healthy partner, they might project, call that partner names, or even cause harm — sometimes consciously, but often unconsciously. 

Yet because of the widespread narrative that victims of abuse should be handled like eggs – a notion often reinforced by popular teachings and online spaces – these behaviours are often excused as “just their trauma.”

We may even loosen our own boundaries out of empathy, thinking “they’ve been through a lot.”

And when that happens, it becomes ‘acceptable’ for someone to cross others’ boundaries without accountability. That’s where some teachings fall short- by offering leeway that can allow hurt to continue spreading, rather than stopping it.

But healing doesn’t work like that. You don’t become whole by playing moral chess. You heal when you stop casting others as the villain and start asking, what part of me keeps getting hooked into these patterns?


The Trap of the “Pure” Victim

Another common trap that often shows up in forums is viewing ourselves as totally innocent, especially after abuse. Yes, you didn’t deserve what happened — no one does. Yes, you were manipulated, and you fell for their well-crafted games.

But this doesn’t mean we should hold onto the identity of the “pure one” or the “angel,” while casting the narcissist or your abusive ex as the “pure devil” or the demon.

When we do that, we risk avoiding the uncomfortable truth: we all have shadows. And sometimes, the very traits we criticize in others (entitlement, aggrandizement, manipulation, emotional withholding) exist within us too, even in subtler forms

This is how projection works: the more we focus on how emotionally immature or narcissistic others are, the more we might unconsciously use that story to uphold our own identity — “the good one, the sane one.”

And that story becomes your armour, but also your prison. It keeps you from seeing the hurt, the pain, the negative beliefs, and all the other things hiding in your basement. S So, the obsession with the other ends up becoming an escape from the self — the part of you that’s lost and buried in pain.

What Keeps You Attracted to the Same Wound?

So, instead of obsessing or engaging in endless online debates — which may initially seem meaningful or even resemble activism — notice it and bring the focus back to you.

As simple as that sounds, it’s often the most emotionally challenging part of the healing journey: being just a little selfish and channelling all your energy into your own healing.

When you focus on yourself, that’s like being ‘90%’ therapized — what remains may just be working on a few core beliefs keeping you stuck in a loop. Those can be resolved.

But here’s the truth: no therapy can pull you out of victimhood as you’re not willing to change.

You’ve got to first take responsibility, have that willingness and deeply understand that this is your journey. It’s your journey to uncover what part of you kept you in that dynamic, or made you susceptible to toxic partners, exploitative friends, or relationships where you’re always giving and they’re always taking.

Maybe the issue isn’t just that you keep attracting toxic people, maybe it’s a part of you that resonates with those negative patterns. Maybe it’s a part of you that feel disconnected or distorted that needs connection.

This is not about blame, it’s about maturity, just switching back to you

The moment you get stuck in “It’s not you, it’s them” — even if there’s some partial truth to it — you’re relinquishing your power. You end up regressing instead of growing.

But when you come back to you, you begin to recognize your own resilience — the fact that you endured situations your mind once told you were insurmountable. And yet, here you are. You might be hurt, but you’re still here.

Never underestimate the power of human resilience — and that’s exactly what you need to be aware of.

You found a way even when you thought there was none.

So, live on.

You don’t need to prove who they are — leave that to psychologists and experts.

As for you, keep your focus on the most important and deserving person in this journey: you.

You’ve got this.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

Recommended videos

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAaVLqPC9kQ (provoking analysis on the downside of Dr. Ramani’s teaching on narcissism — watch with caution and open mind)

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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