One thing about navigating the vast spectrum of unhealthy and toxic relationships is our ability to spot red flags or rather understanding red flags early on before jumping or committing to a long-term relationship with someone.

While I’ve written in the past about why understanding red flags is not enough and may not guarantee your safety, I’d like to add more after a great experience I had recently, which further cemented my perspective on how — even when you’ve done some inner work — you may still find yourself in an unhealthy situation.

There are actually two perspectives here: one is you rationalizing some behaviours and putting them in the spectrum of normal behaviours or wanting to give the relationship time to flourish; the other perspective is from your potential partner, who may mask those red flags so well that you may not even have a clue they’ve been masked. Let’s explore both scenarios further.

Red Flags- From Your Perspective

One thing for sure is we all have ‘red flags’ to a certain degree and depending on what filter the other is using, they may easily classify you or frame you as having red flags even before they understand you more.

For example, if someone meets me on the first day, they may notice that I enjoy an isolated kind of life, that I may not be ready to commit, that I have strong opinions and don’t shy away from disagreeing, that I don’t always respond to messages immediately, and that I need space and personal time. They may also notice that I don’t follow any religion, that I like structure, systems, and discipline — which can sometimes come off as controlling. And then there’s the “normal weirdness” that shows up simply because I don’t follow what everyone else does.

So, depending on the checklist we’re using or the lens we’re observing through, those behaviours could easily be labelled as controlling, cold, disinterested, or even unhealthy.

When someone approaches another person with a checklist, they may quickly classify them as toxic without truly understanding them on a deeper level. And we know that we see what we want to see — that’s just how the mind works. If you’re constantly looking for toxic behaviour in every person you meet, you’ll find it, because we’re all human after all. Our behaviours are often similar; what differs is the degree and the context.

As someone said: “What’s one’s red flag, might be someone’s green. Nothing is absolute about the human experience.”

Another aspect is that observing the other person through a broken filter may easily cause you to filter in the red flags and filter out the green ones. You see, when the filter is broken and you’re not aware of it, you might believe you’re foolproof — that no one can scam you and that you’ll never fall for a toxic relationship — which is, more often than not, untrue.

Even the best of teachers still find themselves in the grip of harmful relationships simply because sometimes there are a lot of elements which we may not figure out or get it right immediately, some we may realize later on, say a month of two into the relationship or when the relationship is at that intense point.

You see, sometimes our inherent desire — whether it’s for sex, love, or connection — can override our ability to stay disciplined and spot red flags. There’s always a magnetic pull toward someone you’re attracted to, and it’s a natural force that clouds your judgment. You may not even notice those red flags unless you have a strong sense of self-control. The need to be close to them grows stronger, and it feels so good in the moment that even your disciplined self can be swept off their feet.

So, saying that you will be cautious — very cautious — before jumping into a relationship is really asking too much of yourself.

Red Flags — From Their Perspective

Another important aspect to consider is that your partner may completely mask their red flags and instead show you the green flags you want to see. This is a particularly normal experience, especially at the beginning of any relationship, where your potential partner may mirror your desires — sometimes consciously, sometimes without realizing it — just to build rapport and gain your trust, and not necessarily to manipulate you.

They may go along with your hobbies or the things you love doing or join you in activities you enjoy the most. They may even respect your boundaries after all it’s just so that they can hook you in. They may also blend in with your family, which are all normal aspects of the human experience.

We have mostly been conditioned to groom ourselves to impress others — to show our good side, to woo them, or to appear attractive and make that great ‘first impression’.

So, mirroring can be a natural behaviour — even birds mirror each other’s calls and movements during mating rituals.

Whether someone is consciously or unconsciously masking those red flags or simply trying to woo you — with or without an agenda — it can easily contradict the checklist you’re using. And the truth of the matter is, you may never really know what’s genuine until you take the time to observe beyond the surface level display.

So, what’s the solution? Relationship = Risky Adventure

We’ve got to agree that when you jump into that relationship with someone, there’s some element of risk involved, it’s like sailing in big vast ocean without really having 100% certainty of what will happen, we may think we know but there are just a million possibilities. And in most cases, we just want to cruise, enjoy the journey, and hope the waters remain calm as it is during the start of the journey.

So, if we get stuck trying to find the ‘perfect ship’ — someone who ticks 100% of your checklist (been there) — we may never sail. Or if we jump into that ‘perfect ship’ which we’ve filtered through that misinformed perspective, we may realize that the ship looked good on the outside but had a bad engine.

So, only one real solution remains: the ability to abandon ship early enough when the true red flags begin to surface. This is the only antidote to unhealthy relationships: understanding yourself, knowing your boundaries, being secure within yourself, and then — as you sail through that risky and exciting adventure, often driven by desire — allowing the layers of your potential partner to gradually peel away. It’s about giving time and space for authenticity to reveal what may have been masked.

If you’re secure within yourself, then when those layers begin to peel, two options will present themselves. If you had seen only green flags, your authenticity will help uncover any masked red flags, and you’ll be able to abandon the ship before it sails too far into deeper waters.

When you live a life true to your purpose, you will often trigger other people because you expose their inauthenticity. Since they’re not ready to look inward and deal with their own issues, they may try to drag you down with them or label you as toxic, boring (quite a common sneaky one), playing all kinds of manipulative games. If you keep listening to them or try to change them, that’s how you find yourself, 10 years later, feeling like a shadow of who you once were — or, as many people have shared with me, feeling like you don’t even remember who you are.

On the other hand, if you had some slight doubts (which is somewhat normal as you’re inviting a ‘stranger’ into your life’) or fears about the relationship, or noticed aspects you thought were red flags, your healthy sense of self — or simply time — will expose what was really lurking deep inside.

You may realize that, maybe it was just the normal fear of the unknown or anxiety around something new preventing you from truly understanding this person. And as the relationship progresses, you get to understand them more and even those aspects you once thought were ‘red flags’ will reveal themselves as normal elements of human behaviour — nothing explosive, just natural.

Now what happens when you’re insecure?

But if you’re insecure and using the relationship as a crutch without having healed your wounds to some extent, you will stay on the ship out of fear of losing them or jump onto that broken ship because of fear of being left out.

You may even cling to the excitement and adrenaline rush of the chaotic, turbulent waves of an unhealthy relationship because that’s what your unconscious mind has come to find as predictable, familiar and comfortable. In doing so, you might sabotage an authentic, genuine, and steady or ‘boring’ relationship in favour of the rocking, dramatic and chaotic adventure.

Conclusion

In conclusion, jumping into a relationship always involves some element of risk (to a certain degree). You may be pulled into it instinctively to satisfy your desires, or you may genuinely want to get married or start a family — and your understanding of red flags may not be enough.

In fact, focusing too much on a checklist may keep you out of a genuine relationship, as you might not truly listen to yourself and your deeper feelings or even give that healthy partner a real chance. This doesn’t mean you should jump in without scrutiny — it’s important to stay aware and keep reflecting on your feelings all times. The mistake we often make is that we ‘drop’ our awareness once a partner ‘checks all the boxes.’ We get too excited about the future and the adventure we’ll have with them, which can easily lead us into unhealthy dynamics.

But when you’ve worked on yourself to some extent, dealt with your unconscious wounds, understand your boundaries, and don’t tolerate nonsense, your authenticity and firm stance will naturally trigger an unhealthy partner. As you stand your ground, the unhealthy relationship will crumble — you will either walk away early on, or the partner who initially showed only green flags on the surface will leave, unable to handle your calm and “boring” self, since they prefer the exciting chaos of an unhealthy relationship.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.