Why Your Brain Keeps Telling You to “Just Be Patient” in a Toxic Relationship

Why Your Brain Keeps Telling You to “Just Be Patient” in a Toxic Relationship making excuses

You know that feeling when you’re in a relationship that’s about as healthy as eating a whole cake by yourself, but your brain keeps whispering to you, “Just hang in there, it’ll get better”? Yeah, that’s your mind playing some serious mind games with you.

You’ve been in that situation for a couple of months or even years, but you’re stuck in the idea that you somehow need to wait for them or just give them another chance because ‘you haven’t understood each other’ yet. Logically, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. So, how does this happen?

When Should You Be Patient with The Relationship?

But here’s the thing: there’s a huge difference between being patient with someone who is trying to change and making excuses for someone who doesn’t care how they treat you.

Some of the signs that you need to be patient somehow are:-

· They acknowledge their behaviour is a problem

· They’re taking tangible, concrete steps to change (therapy, anger management, etc.)

· You see actual improvement over time, not just empty promises

· They take responsibility for their actions instead of blaming you

Signs You’re Just Making Excuses:

· Their apologies are always followed by “but you made me do it” or stringed apologies

· They promise to change but never actually do anything different

· You’re always the one compromising or walking on eggshells

· You find yourself hiding their behaviour from friends and family

Another thing to consider is that someone may be taking steps to change their behaviour, but it doesn’t mean they will change. That’s why sometimes you need to pause and ask yourself a question like: “Can I stay with this person if they don’t change their behaviour?”

This is an especially important question to ask early in the relationship when you’re just banking on their potential to change and not really seeing them for who they are in the present moment.

The thing about changed behaviour is that you may never really know if that person will change if you stay with them or as time goes by. So, don’t bank too much on potential when there are dealbreakers for you, even early in your dating journey.

Why Do Our Minds Trick us to ‘Wait’?

So, it’s not because you’re stupid for waiting but it’s mostly because our brains are hardwired for hope. It is as if there is some internal mechanism working overtime which gives us countless reasons to stick around and wait. Even when the situation is very toxic that you can barely breathe.

Why? Because change is scary, and our brains would rather deal with a familiar hell than an unknown heaven. So, your mind convinces you to be patient, give them time or just wait even when there’s nothing worth waiting for. You might also be terrified of being alone or of starting over after ‘investing’ so much in that relationship and you might even feel that you’re running out of time and that’s the only relationship you’ve got to work on or you’ve got to be ‘patient’ with yet on the inside you’re hurting.

You can as well think of it like this: You’re in a car with a flat tire, bumping along the road. It’s the worst feeling in the world, but your mind keeps telling you that, “At least we’re doing something about it.” Meanwhile, you’re ignoring the fact that you’re ruining the rim and probably setting yourself up for a lot worse problem later on.

But here is the truth: being patient with abuse isn’t patience; it’s self-harm. You wouldn’t tell a friend to be patient with someone who keeps punching them in the face, would you? So why are you telling yourself that?

Always check it with yourself or take a break from the relationship (like even going out by yourself without your partner) just to have a taste of fresh air or to meet different people or just have a new perspective with life. You also need to give yourself an honest, no-bullshit assessment of your relationship. Is there really enough good stuff to outweigh the bad? Or are you holding on to the idea of what the relationship could be, as opposed to seeing it for what it is?

Think about it. A relationship is like a plant: It needs the proper conditions to grow. You can water a dead plant all you want, but it isn’t coming back to life. Are you tending to a living, growing relationship? Or are you watering a dead plant, hoping it’ll return to life?

Always remember that you deserve a healthy life and shouldn’t be in a place where you’re always calculating what to do about the relationship just to keep things going. When it becomes an obsession and you feel suffocated, check in with yourself and be honest, no matter how scary it is.

So next time your brain starts that tape of “be patient” or “give it time”, challenge it. Ask yourself, “Am I being patient, or am I making excuses?” Because, at times, the most loving thing you can do is be impatient and walk away.

Your future self will thank you for it. Even if you walk away and they end up changing, it shows that you’re not desperate for a relationship or for them. You’re okay by yourself, which is the healthy relationship no one can take away from you.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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