Why you Should not Keep Tabs on Your Narcissistic Ex

Why you Should not Keep Tabs on Your Narcissistic Ex why you should not keep tabs on your narcissistic ex
Photo by Brijender Dua on Unsplash

If there’s something you might find yourself secretly doing after leaving a narcissistic relationship is keeping tabs on your narcissistic ex. You may be so curious about what they’re up to or who they’re dating or what there’re saying in their status updates.

If you’re practicing the grey rock method or doing no contact, you may think it’s harmless. Once you’ve left a narcissistic relationship, the key should be staying away from them as much as possible (emotionally, physically and mentally).


But because you’re still thinking about them, missing them and even having lingering memories of the idealization phase of the relationship, you still find yourself snooping their social media profiles. You’re still obsessed and hooked and sometimes you can’t stop yourself from doing it. You may have blocked their phone number over the phone but you’re now reloading their social media pages day in day out.

So, why is it Dangerous to Stalk Your Narcissistic Ex on Social Media?

1. You’ll get Hoovered or Sucked Back in

The main goal of doing no contact or practicing the grey rock method is to allow you time and space to heal away from someone who’s mistreated you. When you’ve left a narcissist, they will probably post social media status which will be provoking or which will trigger you. The most commons ones are something like, “some people come into your life to teach you a lesson”, “I am glad I am free.”

You will even be tempted to call them so that they can explain to you the implication of what they’re sharing online. This is how you’ve broken your no contact and now you’re reopening old doors. They may also post motivational quotes about life which will trigger your hopeful self to think that the narcissist has found an epiphany and they’re in fact changing their undesirable ways.

The other thing is when you’ve not regained your inner strength, your unhealed self will always show you the side which supports its current perspective (like reigniting old romantic memories and going back to the relationship). The narcissist will set traps on their social media profiles that will make you regret leaving them or even make you want to call them.

2. You’ll Get Hurt

The other thing which will happen is those posts will make you feel more worthless or unlovable. The narcissist will create those posts knowing that in one way or another you’ll see them (or a friend will forward them to you). We need to understand that your narcissistic ex knows your weak spots and where to target.

They may post photos of how happy they’re with their new relationship and even compare it with how they were treated badly in the past by you just to provoke jealousy and trigger your deep insecurity. When you look at those photos, they will really seem happy and even other people are congratulating them. Then there’s you, struggling with moving forward with life while the narcissist is having the ‘time of their lives’ in Santorini. The fact that they’re moving on quickly and celebrating will be a dagger to your unhealed self.


Those social media posts will also trigger your unhealed wounds. You’ll feel sadder, betrayed, unworthy and unlovable just because you saw something you were not supposed to see. They know you will stalk and they just want to rub it in your face so that you can really feel the pain.

3. It will Prevent you from Moving on

The other thing is if you keep tabs on them, it will be a greatest deterrent to you moving on with life. You will be having this kind of ‘pseudo-relationship’ (imaginary relationship) with them. It’s like holding onto a twig at the edge of a cliff.

You know the twig will break but you just hold onto it hoping it will never break. After you leave an abusive relationship, your mind will still cling to the idea that they might change or they will not go anywhere. You’ve been having this on and off relationship and there’s nothing new happening here. When that idea is still floating in the air, you will hold onto anything that reinforces it (like keeping tabs on them or reading the motivational quotes).

So, they are gone but you still feel they are there and you’re even checking what they’re up to on their social media posts. When you keep tabs on them, it kills that forced closure you need to find within yourself. To the mind, they will not look like an ex but they will look like someone who’s just taken a ‘break’ and they will be back.

Keeping tabs on them will also be a great distraction for your unhealed wounds. When you obsess so much about them, you will not have the time to look at the emotional upheavals in your inner world. You will only move on when you’re facing and processing the pain deep inside but if all you do is keeping tabs on them, it will be hard for you to regain that inner strength.

Your narcissistic ex knows that you will stalk them and they strategically post those social media posts so that you can get the message. It is still a well-calculated move to trigger you and show you that they’re thriving with life. Here’s the thing, do not play with fire as if you keep doing so, it will consume you. You’re most vulnerable after leaving an abusive relationship and when you’ve not healed.

What I’ve also seen is that we at times overestimate our growth especially when we’ve learned a few things about narcissists. We might lie to ourselves and say, “I know them now” or, “I will never go back there and I don’t even want to hear from them” but on the flip side, we’re secretly snooping their social media profiles (sounds contradictory, right?). Your mind will lie to you that you’ve grown out of this especially when you’ve accumulated some pieces of information and that’s why you need to be deeply honest with yourself when you’re snooping.

Logically you might understand them but it might not be enough to keep you away from them as your inner belief system is still distorted. A great tip when it comes to healing is honestly looking at your actions, if they are contradicting with what your mind is telling you then it means that there’s still some healing to be done. For example, “You’re telling yourself you’ve moved on but you’re snooping them on social media.” Hope that makes sense, when you’ve move on, you’ve moved on and your actions will even feel and be different.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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