Why You feel Like the Narcissist in The Relationship?

Why You feel Like the Narcissist in The Relationship? why you feel like the narcissist in the relationship?
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This is quite a common narrative for anyone who’s been or is in an abusive relationship. You often reach a point where you start to believe that you’re the narcissist or the abusive one in the relationship. You might also think you’re the one projecting your narcissism to you partner. So, why do you think you’re the abusive one in the relationship?

Distorted Sense of Reality

Firstly, the actual narcissist uses gaslighting and various manipulative techniques to make you question your sense of reality. They make you doubt yourself to such an extent that you don’t even trust your own judgment and perceptions. You end up trusting their judgment more than your own.

So, when you accept their word as the absolute truth, you believe instances where they label you as toxic or a narcissist. You don’t even try to question or defend those claims because they have deeply distorted your sense of reality and made you doubt yourself.

Provoking to React

Also, during the course of the relationship, the narcissist has undoubtedly pushed your buttons. They’ve constantly provoked you, continuously made you angry, and occasionally, you might find yourself throwing or breaking a few cups or getting so angry that you lash out at the abuser.

When you lash out at the abuser, this behavior is undesirable for you. It’s unlike you to show aggression towards someone or to call someone names. But you did that because they kept provoking you to react. And the moment you react, the actual narcissist will use that against you.

They might say something like, “Hey, do you remember the time you broke a few cups after I told you that you didn’t do this…”

So, in your mind, you’ll recall those instances where you acted undesirably or a bit narcissistic and use it as evidence that you may actually be the narcissist in the relationship.

That’s what reactive abuse (reactive response) is. They push you to react so that they can use that reaction as evidence of your ‘narcissism.’ Naturally, when you’re constantly provoked and frustrated by someone, you may react in a way that is not in line with your normal values.

That’s why you think of yourself as the narcissist in the relationship. Your reality has just been distorted, and you’ve acted undesirably in that relationship to protect yourself or just to survive in that traumatic environment.

Realizing Some of Your Toxic Behaviors is a Blessing

Another thing is, even if you are ‘certain’ that you’re the narcissist, the fact that you realize that some actions or behaviors you exhibited in the relationship are not who you are means that you have this guilty conscience. You have the ability to discern good from wrong, which also means you have the ability to change those toxic behaviors you’ve picked up in the relationship. Because something about these toxic behaviors is contagious.


For example, if you stay with someone who’s always hateful, you might find yourself becoming hateful as well. If you stay with someone who’s consistently negative, you will pick up that negativity. But if you stay with someone who’s always loving and deeply compassionate, you’ll start absorbing those positive vibes.

Heal to Wash Away the Toxicity

So, once you get out of the relationship, work on those toxic behaviors you picked up during that time. Without actively addressing those issues, you might find yourself unconsciously hurting other people or hurting yourself without even being aware of it.


Instead of constantly questioning if you’re the narcissist in the relationship, simply look at yourself. Consider where you are. Are you happy in the relationship? Are you at peace? And if you’re not at peace, address it. That’s how you break free from those toxic patterns and the negativity you’ve picked up from others.

Negative Beliefs About Yourself (You’re Always the ‘Bad’ One)

Lastly, you might also think that you are the abusive one in the relationship because deep inside, you feel unworthy. When you hold negative beliefs that you are inadequate and at fault for everything, you naturally look at things from the perspective of being the cause. You blame yourself for what’s happening in the relationship or for the bad behaviors of the other person because that’s what you’ve been accustomed to since you were young or for most of your life.

So, you’ve become accustomed to negativity, and your mind will gravitate toward it. That’s what subconscious beliefs are all about. It’s about your mind latching onto what is familiar.

Always work on yourself to eliminate those toxic behaviors and self-sabotaging beliefs. By doing so, you can see yourself beyond those negative beliefs and past experiences.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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