Why You Fail with Your New Year’s Resolutions After Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Why You Fail with Your New Year’s Resolutions After Leaving an Abusive Relationship why you fail with your new year’s resolutions after leaving an abusive relationship
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Happy New Year, Everyone! May you find inner peace, and may your heartfelt desires be met. I know you’ve received that message or you’ve seen it a couple of times this 2024.

You know what time of the year it is — it’s the time of the year where we gear ourselves with a list of goals and things to achieve this coming year, or what we normally call New Year’s resolutions. You are so psyched up, and you can’t wait to start your journey. You are so pumped up, and you believe that this is the year; this can really be the year for you. But there’s always a twist to this.

Today, I’m going to talk about New Year resolutions, but now in regards to toxic relationships. Because when we talk about New Year resolutions, we may have a resolution like, ‘I don’t want to miss them again,’ or ‘I don’t want to call them again,’ referring to your abusive partner or abusive parent. You may not really want to contact them, or you don’t want to go back to them. You want to heal as fast as possible, or you want a healthy relationship. You may have these resolutions for yourself this year.

But what you realize about these resolutions is that you may really say, for example, that you don’t want to call them. However, four or five days into the month of January, you find that you still have a craving for them. You still want them. You want to call them. You may even call them, break that contact, and beg them to take you back. Yes, logically, you know they’re abusive. You know they’re not changing because you’ve been in this cycle before. Let’s say last year you did the same thing. So why does this happen? I’m going to explain to you why this happens — why do you keep going back to something which is harmful to you or keep going back to something which you know logically is harmful to you?

New Year, but It’s the Same Old You on a Deeper Level

Actually, the main reason why you are not achieving those resolutions or those New Year resolutions of moving forward from an abusive relationship is because of familiarity. Something about the mind is the mind will always seek familiar instances because to the mind, when something is familiar, it’s safe. It knows what to expect. So, it doesn’t matter if the relationship is abusive; the mind has gotten used to the abusive patterns of the relationship. The mind knows that, actually, this relationship is safe for this person. So, you might go far away, but because you’ve gotten used to it, and we know something about habits, like when you get used to a habit, it doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad, you’ll tend to be pulled back towards it.


That’s the same thing with you wanting to call them, missing them, wanting to go back to them. It’s because your mind is keeping you safe in a twisted kind of way. Instead of the mind keeping you safe and pushing you away from the relationship, no, the mind is keeping you safe by taking you back to a familiar place. That’s why you might really try and want to have these resolutions, but without changing on a deeper level, you’ll still find yourself trying for a few days. And then, after a few days, you want them back, or you go to your default unhealthy habits or your default toxic relationships.

These defaults are dictated by the subconscious mind. All those things you’ve never really worked on, all those negative emotions, all those negative beliefs, all those false identities you’ve picked up from your past experiences normally get locked in your subconscious mind. So, you consciously want to achieve those resolutions, but your subconscious mind is more powerful than your conscious mind. It’s pulling you back towards the familiar. That’s why you find yourself in this loop. It’s like you are in a room which doesn’t have a door, but you cannot see a door. So, when you try to find a solution for yourself or find a reason why you can’t really achieve those New Year resolutions, you are finding it within the confines of that small room. And you’ve gotten used to looking for solutions there, and you don’t even know that there might be solutions outside that room. So, you just keep bouncing off the walls. That’s why you will just keep getting stuck because you are looking at the solution where there’s no solution. The solution is outside your current level of awareness. It’s beyond those walls.

So, regardless of what you do, you still keep getting stuck. That’s why to really achieve those new resolutions of breaking free from those toxic relationship patterns or not missing your ex or not feeling bad about leaving your abusive relationship or not craving them, you have to break free from this bouncing off the walls of that house and get out of that house. That’s why most times you need the services of a skilled therapist who can help you, a therapist who will explain the mechanisms of the subconscious mind. They can assist you in breaking free from this negative thought loop by guiding you to see that the solutions you are looking for are not within the loop you are in, but rather, they’re outside that loop.

It’s more like a therapist is helping you see other choices, to look beyond those walls or confines you’ve developed over time. Something about being confined by these toxic relationship patterns is because it has become a pattern. When it’s a pattern, it’s as if you can’t see beyond it.

Now, when a therapist comes in, they help you see beyond it. And that’s what healing is all about. It’s all about bringing choice back to your life. You currently feel that there’s no choice but to call your ex or but to get stuck with unhealthy relationships. But if there’s a question you can ask yourself, it’s the fact that other people have left these relationships and healed, and they don’t want to go back means that there’s something they did differently. Not that your experiences are different, no. There’s something they did differently. They might have done therapy or just done some healing or some deep inner work to overcome them.

So, instead of setting resolutions and beating yourself up because you can’t leave or can’t look beyond your abusive ex, start looking for solutions that will break you from that loop. Or try something different this year.

Don’t keep doing the same thing like tracking your ‘No Contact days.’ There’s a common saying that if you keep doing the same thing, don’t expect different results. So, you might be going for therapy, and it’s not working. You might be doing meditation or all those forms of practices, but they’re not working. Try something different this year to break free from those patterns, from those toxic relationship patterns.

And the only way to break free is to work on the things which are beyond your current level of awareness or work on your subconscious mind. So, if you’d like some help with bringing choice back to your life or working on those things which are locked in your subconscious part of your mind, and if you’d like a safe environment where you can work on those things, feel free to book a free breakthrough call with me. Because also on that call, I’ll get to educate you more. I’ll share with you a presentation where I can educate you more on why you are stuck. And you’ll really understand that actually, if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll get stuck. But if you start seeing things in a different way, you will get unstuck.

Another thing, it doesn’t have to take 40 years or 10 years to do that. It can just sometimes even take less than a month, two months. It all depends on your motivation and if you really, really want this. Do you want this year to be the same as last year or even worse? Or do you want this year to be a year of relationships, opportunities, inner peace, contentment, or feeling so connected to yourself? The choice is yours. Feel free to ask me any questions with regards to toxic relationships, and I’ll answer them to the best of my capacity. Until next time, guys, have a wonderful 2024 and a happy New Year.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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