Why Is It That You Want To Compete With Your Abusive Ex?

Why Is It That You Want To Compete With Your Abusive Ex? why is it that you want to compete with your abusive ex?
Photo by Norbert Braun on Unsplash

Today I will be answering this question: Why is it that you want to compete with your abusive ex? And is it okay to do it? By competing here, I mean that let’s say you left the relationship and you are moving forward with your life. You are broke because they took all the finances, you are lonely and everything, and then you hear that they are buying a new house, they bought a new car, they have a new relationship. Then you are like, “Hmm, I want to show them that actually I can do it as well.”

It’s a very common thing, especially because we feel that they are winning in life or they are thriving, and then you are losing. So you want to at least be at par so that you will not feel that you’ve lost a lot.

So you might end up wanting to buy a new car as well, grinding, overworking yourself, looking for another relationship like joining dating platforms, having revenge sex, and all those kinds of things. Just rub it in their face that actually you are also worthy. Or… You are also still beautiful. You may post on social media about your travels, tell people about how you’re thriving, like you may just be in this state of unconscious or also conscious competition with your ex.

Competing Can Make You Feel Better

When you compete with someone who has hurt you, you may initially feel better. The sensation of winning or being superior to them might create an illusion that you’re progressing in life. However, this feeling is often superficial because you’re comparing yourself to them. For example, when you see them with a new house, you might think, “Ah yes, at least I’ve bought my own house and everything.” While acquiring possessions like a house is a great thing, these achievements can sometimes provide you with an illusion that you’re healing.

Competition is Still Obsession

When you compete with them or constantly compare your life with their life, you’re not really healing, you’re still obsessed about them. And it’s actually a very dangerous place to be in because you might really think you are healing because yeah you are growing your career, you are having a new relationship, you are above them, you are having kids or you are even getting married. And it can give you the illusion that you are thriving in life. B

But you are still obsessed with them. You are still reacting to your ex’s actions which means that you are not really living at all. It’s more like instead of you living your life authentically, you are more like acting from what your ex is doing. So you’re not really free. You are still thinking about them. You are still living your life through them.

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Let’s consider this scenario: if they seek a new relationship, you do the same. If they engage in casual relationships, you follow suit. This pattern reveals that you’re not truly liberated. This situation is dangerous because it creates a false sense of choice. There’s no greater obstacle in your journey toward healing than believing you’re already fine. When you convince yourself that you’re okay, you may not seek therapy or assistance. Your ego becomes inflated and complacent, finding satisfaction in external activities and comparisons. However, this satisfaction is momentary. It’s similar to being bound by chains adorned with roses. While the roses may appear appealing, they distract from the fact that you still feel empty inside.

You’re still feeling a lot of pain. You are still angry and resentful. You are still not yourself. You don’t even understand your boundaries. You are still living life as if you are still in the past.

This behavior ultimately leads nowhere because when you engage in a competition with your ex, you’ll likely attract similar low-quality relationships. Without thorough examination, you fail to address underlying issues and neglect personal growth. Instead of focusing on self-improvement, you become consumed by the desire to outdo your ex. This mindset can lead to persevering in another abusive relationship just to prove a point.

The goal becomes about being perceived as superior, even if it means enduring further harm. Instead of competing with them just talk everything about them and come back to you.

Focus on you

You can achieve your goals and progress in your career without entering into a competition with them. Genuine growth extends beyond reaching milestones; it’s about embracing the journey itself. Life isn’t confined to singular events like buying a car; rather, it’s experienced through the process of ‘achieving’ that. Focusing solely on competition and events may lead you to overlook the richness of the living experience.

So you can still attain your desires, purchase a house, and flourish in your career without feeling compelled to compete with them. Now, you can approach these endeavors with present-mindedness, deriving joy from each day and relishing the process. This approach stems from your own desires and aspirations, rather than being driven by external pressures. Competing with someone can feel coercive, as if you’re obligated to participate simply because they are.

So it’s never healthy to compete with your ex. Early on, it may offer you temporary relief, which is normal because you tend to compare their life and your life and you feel better about it and you have some sort of closure. But as you keep… that path, you will realize that you will keep feeling empty and empty and the pain will not be going away. The only competition you can do with your ex is just work on your stuff, release the emotional baggage and all those things that remind you of the past, all those things that keep you stuck or glued to the past.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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