Why Does My Toxic Ex Talk Bad About Me When He Was the One to End It?

Why Does My Toxic Ex Talk Bad About Me When He Was the One to End It? why does my toxic ex talk bad about me when he was the one to end it?
Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Today I’d like to answer this question: “Why does my ex talk bad about me when he was the one to end the relationship?”.

When you’ve ended a relationship with someone, the last thing you expect from them is for them to go around badmouthing you or sharing all the bad things about you. You may have been expecting a smooth journey post-breakup, but then you hear rumors going around about you and the relationship.

You get shocked when your friends or family start giving you side glances when you are close to them. Then you realize that your ex has been talking about you, even though they were the ones who ended the relationship.

You may have expected that when someone ends the relationship, they would be the last person to talk ill about you, but that’s how slanderous someone can be when they have their own agenda.

When you’re still writhing in pain, this can add more salt to the wound, and you may go around trying to clear your name, which is not really fruitful. So, why does your ex slander your name after the end of the relationship, and what really motivates them?

Protecting Their Reputation

To some degree, we all want to be seen as ‘good’ people in the eyes of society and our loved ones. That’s how we’ve been hardwired — to be seen as good people rather than actually being good people. This is why someone can be doing bad things behind the scenes while presenting themselves as philanthropic and charitable in public.


This is the same with your toxic ex; they value how others perceive them so much that they will talk bad about you to make people see you as the bad one or the ‘cheat,’ while they appear as the saint.

Avoiding Responsibility

Another reason why they may smear your name is to avoid taking ownership of their role in ending the relationship. If there’s one thing that drives toxic behaviour, it’s the fear of accountability. Accountability means owning up to toxic behaviours and being willing to change.

Because they’ve gotten used to living in that illusion and their toxic behaviours are serving them, they will do whatever it takes to deflect responsibility onto someone else. By blaming someone else, they avoid reflecting on and confronting their deep-seated insecurities.

Gaining Sympathy

One last reason they may badmouth you is that they want to gain sympathy and attention from others. This soothes their ego and may even be a way to manipulate themselves into another relationship.

By playing the victim, they attract caring people who may offer them a to shoulder to cry on, and sooner rather than later, they find themselves in a new relationship.

The Last Nail in the Coffin

Trying to focus on understanding their motivations is futile because they may have a myriad of reasons for doing it. But one thing that is paramount is that they are the ones doing the badmouthing, and it’s all on them, not you. While it is painful and unfair for your name to be dragged through the mud, it’s your responsibility not to play in the mud.

Their badmouthing should be the final nail in the coffin, confirming that you made the right decision to leave the relationship. Maybe you were still unsure if you wanted them back, but now that they’ve painted you as the villain, use that as the final reason to avoid going back. If someone can stoop to such levels after a breakup, then that’s not someone you can logically reason with or reconcile with.

One last thing: you may be tempted to spend a lot of time trying to clear your name, but that is not the best way to go. It will keep you more muddied, and people may start believing the false accusations. The only way forward is to look inward, release the pain, and allow yourself to feel the discomfort.

It can feel good to appear “good” in the eyes of others, but if you’re not good in your own eyes or on the inside, then you’re the one who’s suffering. The goodness you should strive for is the kind that doesn’t need people’s approval but is so deep that you feel a spark of joy inside. The other kind of goodness is just a sideshow to hide the turmoil within.

It’s better to be painted as the devil but be a saint on the inside than to be painted as a saint yet feel like the devil inside. The latter means operating from your authentic self, while the former means living from false identities.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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