Why Do You Feel Like a Complete Loser For Leaving An Abusive Relationship?

Why Do You Feel Like a Complete Loser For Leaving An Abusive Relationship? why do you feel like a complete loser for leaving an abusive relationship?
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When you’ve been discarded or when you’ve broken up or divorced the narcissist, it’s quite common to feel like a loser. Yes, the relationship was abusive and they did horrible things to you, and you now understand that there was nothing you could do to salvage the relationship or make it work. Yet, you feel like a loser or like you’ve lost something. You should be celebrating that you left the prison, but instead, you’re even feeling like a loser after leaving the prison. So why do you feel like a complete loser for leaving an abusive relationship?

Societal Conditioning and comparison

From the societal perspective, and based on what we’ve been taught, a committed relationship or marriage is often perceived as permanent, particularly in certain cultures. This is evident in the vows that typically state, “till death do us part,” with little mention of abuse or relationship breakdowns. Therefore, when your relationship turns out to be abusive, it’s not interpreted as a victory for leaving a harmful environment. Instead, you may perceive it as a loss, especially when comparing yourself to others who appear to be thriving in their “successful” marriages. When you see your friends posting photos of their family unit, you will be left questioning yourself and what about you is unable to ‘keep’ a sustain a relationship.

Blaming Yourself for Their Behavior

Feeling like a loser in the context of a relationship with a narcissist can also stems from the contrast between the idealized image created during the initial stages of the relationship and the harsh reality of the toxic dynamics that unfold later on. Initially, the narcissist’s behavior may make you feel valued, cherished, and significant. You believe you’ve found someone who sees and appreciates you for who you are, and you bask in the glow of their attention and affection. This idealization can lead you to invest deeply in the relationship, forming strong emotional bonds and making significant sacrifices to maintain the connection.

However, as the relationship progresses, the narcissist’s true colors begin to emerge. They may become increasingly manipulative, controlling, and emotionally abusive. The pedestal upon which they placed you starts to crumble, and you find yourself subjected to criticism, gaslighting, and devaluation. In this phase, you may start blaming yourself for the deterioration of the relationship.


You question whether you did something wrong to trigger the narcissist’s change in behavior. You replay past interactions, searching for clues or mistakes that may have led to the breakdown of the once-idyllic connection. This self-blame intensifies the feeling of being a loser. You perceive yourself as having failed in the relationship, unable to maintain the image of perfection that the narcissist initially projected onto you.

Loss of Comfort and Familiarity

Another aspect of you feeling like a complete loser is that, leaving an abusive relationship often entails bidding farewell to the familiar routines, shared possessions, and sense of stability that were once integral parts of your life. Once you breakup, you may find yourself mourning these losses and grappling with a profound sense of emptiness and uncertainty. Without the comfort of familiar routines and the security provided by shared possessions, you may feel like you’re losing control over your life and drifting aimlessly into an unknown future. This loss of stability can intensify feelings of inadequacy and vulnerability, leading you to question your decision to leave and reinforcing the belief that you’re somehow a loser for not being able to salvage the relationship. In short, you feel like a complete loser because you have realistically lost some benefits the relationship offered you with, it’s like quitting a toxic job which used to pay your bills.

The Illusion of Their Success

Another aspect that intensifies feelings of being a loser is witnessing your abusive ex-partner seemingly moving forward with their lives. As you struggle to navigate each day, they appear to be thriving, possibly treating their new partner with the love and respect they once promised you. Seeing them apparently fulfilling those promises may lead you to question if you lost someone who could have changed, or worse, if they have actually changed for the better. This stark contrast between their apparent happiness and your own struggles can deepen feelings of inadequacy and regret, fueling the belief that you’re somehow a loser for not being able to elicit that change or receive the treatment you deserved. You think you lost an unpolished ‘gem’.

You’re a Winner

While it’s understandable to feel like a loser after ending a relationship with a narcissist, it’s crucial to recognize that you’re actually the winner in this situation. Others may not acknowledge your victory or join in your celebration, but you can commend yourself for having the strength to walk away from someone who manipulated and mistreated you. Initially, it may be challenging to see this as a triumph, especially amidst the emotional turmoil and negativity you’re experiencing. However, true victory lies in your decision to leave a harmful environment and confront your deepest fears. The breakup marks the beginning of your successes in life. Buckle up, embrace, and find solace in the emotionally challenging journey of confronting those familiarities that may tempt you to return to a hurtful environment.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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