Why Can’t You Just Figure It Out After Being in An Abusive Relationship?

Why Can’t You Just Figure It Out After Being in An Abusive Relationship? why can’t you just figure it out after being in an abusive relationship?
Photo by Jacki Drexler on Unsplash

Today, I’ll be answering why you can’t just figure it out. Actually, one of the common things, especially when working with clients, is a client comes to me and tells me, “I just can’t figure out why I still want them. I just can’t figure out why I stayed in the relationship, or I just can’t figure out why I keep going back to them.” And then when you are in this loop of trying to figure it out, you may end up really beating yourself, berating yourself, calling yourself names, calling yourself stupid because logically, you know that this person is hurtful, or logically, you know that the actions you are doing are harmful to you. But still, you can’t figure it out; you can’t figure out why you’re still doing them.

So, you end up getting yourself in this loop of blaming yourself, judging yourself, criticizing yourself harshly for not doing something which is logical. Someone else might have told you, like, “How comes you’re still staying in the relationship? How comes you’re still going back to them? How come you’re still calling them?” So, the moment those people also tell you that, you also feel bad about yourself, and you want to figure it out.

Actually, you can’t really figure it out because figuring it out here means that you are still looking from the same lens.

Analogy of the Dirty Mug

Imagine you have a favorite mug that you’ve used for years. You keep filling it with water, sipping from it, but lately, you’ve been getting stomachaches. Puzzled, you search for the cause, exploring whether it’s the water quality or some external factor. However, it doesn’t occur to you to examine the inside of the mug. The analogy is that sometimes the solution to our problems is right in front of us, but we’re so accustomed to a certain way of doing things that we overlook the root cause. In this case, the dirty cup symbolizes a habit or mindset that might be causing discomfort. Despite searching for answers elsewhere, the key to resolving the issue lies in recognizing and addressing what’s within the cup — the habit or mindset that needs cleaning or changing.

When you cling on to something for a very long time, you will know that that thing is not a solution. Your mind will not allow you to look at the thing you are clinging on to so much as where the solution is. That’s what we call something is stuck in your subconscious part of your mind. Like this thing has become part of you, or this problem has become part of you to the point where you cannot see beyond the problem, and you cannot think yourself when you’re still in the problem.

Hope that makes sense. Like when you identify with something, it becomes a part of you, and when it becomes a part of you, you will be thinking about solutions within the confines of those being part of you. So, you’ll always be limited in terms of solutions. So, that’s why you’re struggling to figure it out, because you are still using then same tainted and dirty lens, and your solutions are outside that level of thinking. Your solutions are not in the conscious part of your mind.

They’re in working on those issues you’ve never really faced, the things you may not even know of. That’s the work we do, helping you clean that cup. Because the moment now you clean that cup or you replace that cup, you start realizing that actually, you have a lot of choices. You start realizing that maybe actually leaving is an option, maybe going for therapy is an option, maybe leaving this town or leaving this country is an option. So, just having those solutions, once you really get yourself out of that box, that box is now the negative thought loop you are caught in. So, when you are caught in a negative thought loop, and you’ve been caught in this loop for a very long time because of what you learned in the past, you will find it really hard to figure it out because what you need is not within your current level of conscious awareness. It’s in the subconscious part of your mind, and you yourself cannot really see it because you’ve been there and there and there.

Now when you get good professional help, they can help you see because the solutions are within you. It’s just that you think that they are far away because you’re stuck. So, you get stuck when you keep trying to figure it out, but when you get unstuck, you’ll really realize that you have choices, you have a lot of solutions. And you’ll even realize that actually, other things in life are stagnating because of you being stuck in the situation you’re in now. Like you’ll start having good opportunities, you’ll start even applying for a job or trying to look out for new things in life because now you are open to endless possibilities. Because when you’re stuck, actually, you cannot let things in; you are still using the same thing. But when you open yourself up, you end up getting things. Don’t try so much to figure it out. If you’re really stuck, seek help because the more you figure it out, the more you beat yourself, the more you get stuck even further.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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