When You Secretly Want your Abuser to Take You Back

When You Secretly Want your Abuser to Take You Back when you secretly want your abuser to take you back

Leaving an abusive relationship is like embarking on an extraordinary journey, a brave step towards taking back your life and well-being from someone who’s made your life a living hell. It’s a story filled with ups and downs, just like in a thrilling adventure. What makes this journey even more intriguing is the secret desire that often lingers in the back of your mind: the desire to go back to the abuser, even when you fully understand how harmful and unchanging they are. This longing is of course contradictory to common sense and when you’re not aware of the reasons behind it you may inflict more pain on yourself and even end up further emotionally abusing yourself for secretly wanting them back. So, why does this really happen and what really drives you to want them back.

Leaving Uncovers Your Unhealed Wounds

Our subconscious mind is a powerful force that shapes our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in ways we may not fully understand. It can create conflicting desires — desiring safety and love while simultaneously longing for familiarity, even if it comes from an abuser.

When you leave an abusive relationship, you begin a healing journey that can uncover unresolved emotional wounds. These wounds are like hidden scars that may include feelings of worthlessness, fear of being alone or abandoned, distorted self-image, or a lack of understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like.

An analogy to explain this better is to imagine a person who has been living in a dark room for years. In this room, they have been mistreated and constantly told that they are unworthy and unlovable. When they finally step out of that room into the light, the brightness can be overwhelming at first. They may squint their eyes and shield themselves because they are not used to the light.


Similarly, leaving an abusive relationship exposes you to new experiences and challenges, much like stepping into that blinding light. It confronts you with situations and emotions you may not be familiar with, and it can be disorienting, similar to the disorientation experienced when leaving the dark room. Thus, the secret desire to return to the abuser may stem from a subconscious need for the perceived comfort of the familiar, even if that familiarity is built upon a foundation of abuse.

Another factor that will reinforce this desire is the fear of the unknown as leaving an abusive relationship means stepping into uncharted territory — a future filled with uncertainties. The fear of what lies ahead can intensify the desire for one’s abuser to return. The familiar pain becomes preferable to the unknown challenges that await outside the confines of abuse.


It’s entirely normal to desire for their return, to secretly wish for that call, especially when you’re navigating the difficult path of your healing journey. Instead of being hard on yourself or causing more pain by self-blame and self-criticism, remember that the forces pulling you back to your abuser often operate beyond your conscious awareness. It’s an interplay of stuck emotions and past wounds, and it’s not a reflection of your strength or worth.

In these moments, be kind to yourself and offer the same compassion you would to a dear friend in your shoes. Healing is not a linear process, and it’s okay to stumble along the way. Reclaim the life you deserve, one that is peaceful and filled with self-love. Understand that you’ve grown accustomed to chaos as the familiar, and now is the time to work on those subconscious patterns that keep you tethered to an unhealthy past. It’s an opportunity to reconnect with your authentic self and build a brighter, more fulfilling future. You’ve taken the first courageous steps; keep moving forward with patience, love, and resilience, for your healing journey is worth every effort.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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