What Happens when a Narcissist can’t Control You?

What Happens when a Narcissist can’t Control You? what happens when a narcissist can’t control you?
Photo by Nadine Shaabana on Unsplash

A narcissistic relationship is characterized by manipulation and control. A narcissist will manipulate and control you so that you can serve their selfish needs. They will use various subtle and insidious ways to supply themselves while leaving you mentally depleted and drained. They like it when you’re under their control, but what happens when they feel that you’re no longer controllable?

Will they stay away? No, they will not stay away because when they can’t control you, it means that you’ve crushed their ego. For a narcissist who always loves winning and boasts greatly, you should expect a backlash or a huge reaction. Unlike a normal relationship where someone will just retreat with their tail between their legs, a narcissist will fight back to safeguard their fragile ego.

They will never take that humble pie as they see themselves as superior with a huge sense of entitlement. They are more like control freaks and will use all the ‘dirty’ tricks in the book to regain their control. In this article, I’m going to share how the narcissist may react when they can no longer control you.

9 Things to Expect When the Narcissist Loses Control

  1. Intensified Narcissist Hoover

When they can’t control you, a narcissist will exert great efforts to suck you back into that toxic relationship. They will intensify their efforts to try to win you back. They may bombard you with messages, phone calls, or emails, trying to convince you to return to that relationship. They will even go to the extent of contacting your family or your closest friends to convince you. The key message from this is that they’ve changed their ways, and you might feel that they really ‘love’ you. Don’t fall for it; it’s just part of the game. They may intensify their love bombing as they try to regain control.

2. Narcissistic Rage

Another thing that will happen is the narcissist will burst into uncontrollable anger and aggression when they feel they can’t control you. If you’ve ever seen them angry, then that’s nothing compared to the narcissistic rage, which is kind of scary. They will be extremely furious and turn into something you’ve never seen before. Narcissistic rage can look like excessive intimidation, yelling, throwing objects, punching walls, or even violence. It’s always best to prioritize your safety in these instances.


3. Intensified Smear Campaign

When they can’t control you, they will resort to controlling the environment or your surroundings even more. A narcissist will intensify the lies they’ve been spreading about you to your loved ones, making you appear as the abusive one and them as the victim in this situation.


They may spread their gossip and smear your name through social media, portraying you as ‘evil,’ while they play the victim who needs sympathy. You might find yourself reacting and trying hard to clear your name or calling them to ask why in these situations, but don’t do it; it’s a trap. Just live your version of reality and keep away from their control. They will do anything to protect their reputation.

4. Extreme Parental Alienation

If you have children with the narcissist, you might find that the children may start distancing themselves from you. This is because the narcissist is now trying hard to win the affection of the children while convincing them that they’re the awesome parent and you’re the bad one. They will go to the extent of buying huge gifts and taking the kids on expensive treats that you probably can’t afford so that the kids see them as the fantastic parent. They will also constantly feed the kids with lies about who you are.

5. Freeze Funds or Make You Chase Them for Child Support

Another common tactic that the narcissist will employ, especially when you’re co-parenting, is to make it really hard for you to get child support funds from them. One of the clients I’ve been working with has dealt with this, where the Narcissist Ex either forgets or takes too long to send child support, which means that they have to constantly remind them to send the funds.

They will intensify this when they can’t control you, and they might even wait until the bills are overdue so that you have to call them and perhaps even beg them to send you the money. This gives them the feeling that they’re still in control. They will do this more and more so that you feel helpless and dependent on them. That’s why it’s better to involve child support services to help instead of engaging in this cat and mouse game.

6. Sabotaging Your Life

When a narcissist can no longer control you, they will resort to ruining everything in your life. They may try to get you fired, call your workplace, ruin your credit score, or simply make life difficult for you. One thing I’ve heard from survivors of abuse is that the narcissist will go to the extent of hiding their documents (passports or school certificates), leaving the victim helpless and with no way of starting over. This mostly happens to immigrants, as they will have nowhere to turn and will find it incredibly difficult to navigate a foreign country without their documents.

7. A Fake Apology

The narcissist will go to great lengths to send a fake apology, trying to convince you to go back to them. They might even shed a few tears to show how remorseful they are, but one thing you’ll realize is that this isn’t the first apology you’ve ever received from them. They probably said it several times while you were in the relationship, and there was hardly any change in behavior. Don’t fall for empty promises of change; it’s just another way to suck you back into that relationship.

8. Public Humiliation

When the narcissist feels rejected, they may resort to trying to publicly shame you or make a fool out of you. They deeply desire to punish you for what you’ve done to them and may humiliate you by exposing your nude pictures online or even spreading false rumors to your coworkers and friends, such as claiming you have an STD.

9. They Will Ghost You

When they truly can’t control you, they will disappear. They will be completely off your radar, expecting you to worry and start searching for them. They will block you on social media or even change their phone numbers. This might seem like a good scenario, but you will be left in a limbo where you don’t know what to do next, especially if you wanted to seek closure or discuss getting a divorce if you were married. You will probably hear about them from friends.


When a narcissist cannot control you, they will try very hard to regain that control in your life, as that’s what feeds their ego and restores their sense of power. They will either passively or actively try to hook you back into their control by using various manipulative techniques. However, as long as you’ve seen through their game of manipulation and control, you can easily avoid it.

Whatever you do, do not go back to what broke you, and focus on fully healing to the point where they no longer bother you. We all have the capacity to heal, and if you’re committed and deeply passionate about it, it doesn’t have to take years and years to heal.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns (in less than 2 months) , then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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