Toxic Relationships: Why Is It Bad to Seek Constant Validation After Abuse?

Toxic Relationships: Why Is It Bad to Seek Constant Validation After Abuse? toxic relationships: why is it bad to seek constant validation after abuse?
Photo by Eilis Garvey on Unsplash

Today I’ll be answering the question of the trap of seeking constant validation and approval after leaving an abusive relationship. See, something about approval and validation is something which we sometimes crave. Like, you just want someone to tell you, “Hey, it’s okay,” or “Hey, I love you,” or “Hey, it’s going to be okay.” It’s really, really good. It’s also one of the things that kept you in the relationship in the beginning, especially in the love bombing phase where your partner was doing all those things to you, making you feel loved, taking you on expensive vacations, probably telling you about your dreams, mirroring your desires, creating this fake future about the place you live, just feeding you with all those beautiful things.

Because you really want those things, you desire those things because of the conditioning, you still feel that those things are the things you want — to be loved, to be seen, to be admired, to be all those things. So once you step out of the relationship because you’ve lost that thing, you also want the same thing. You also want people to tell you, “Hey, it’s so very, very okay. It’s going to be okay. Relax. It’s going to be okay. We are there for you.”

So you just want those things. Of course, it’s very, very nice to seek external validation after leaving an abusive relationship because you like it deep within yourself. So initially, it may offer you this feeling of, like, at least there are people there for you, at least you have family to lean on. So when you really feel that you have those things, you don’t really feel lost in your healing journey, which is very, very okay. But there’s also a trap to it.

There’s also a trap to it because the more you seek this external validation, the more you’re running away from the actual thing, which is you getting to the point of self-validation. External validation is very, very okay, like being told, “Congratulations, you’ve really left the relationship. Congratulations on the divorce. It’s so sweet.” But now the thing is, it’s not really hitting that deeper level. That deeper level is just you approving yourself, just you being sure of yourself, just you getting to the point where you are feeling whole and you don’t really need the approval of others. Because the approval of others can be nice but can still be distracting. Because you’ll end up looking when they don’t give you the validation, you end up feeling that, “Hey, my family is not supportive. They are not this and that.” Because no amount of external validation will take the pain away. Yes, it may offer you a feeling of belonging or that temporary relief, but in the long run, it won’t really take the pain away.

What will take the pain away is you working on the pain, and that’s what accepting yourself on a deep level is. So external validation may stop you from looking inside. They distract you from looking at the pain inside — the emptiness, the loneliness, the lack of self-belief, the doubt, the low self-worth. So when it distracts you from that, you’re still moving away from yourself. That’s why sometimes you may really want another relationship because another relationship also will give you external validation. Someone will come there and then tell you, “Hey, I love you so much. I miss you,” and all those kind of words. And because you enjoy it, you end up jumping to another thing, and the more you jump from point A to B, you are still running away from yourself.

So it’s really nice to seek all those things, but still, come back to yourself. And it can keep you distracted from dealing with the pain. Once you deal with the pain, you realize actually, yes, external validation is good, but it’s not something you need. When it becomes a need, that’s when a problem arises.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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