Toxic Relationships: Why Do You Really Focus on Them So Much?

Toxic Relationships: Why Do You Really Focus on Them So Much? toxic relationships: why do you really focus on them so much?
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Healing is all about you and you alone; it’s an inner journey, and no one else can go inwards on your behalf. Yes, someone else, a therapist, may guide you in the journey, but you’re the one who has the key to set yourself free. But one of the common pitfalls in your healing journey after leaving an abusive relationship is focusing on them, focusing on the people who hurt you. You might find yourself spending countless minutes and hours studying about them, learning about their manipulative techniques, grouping them into spectrums, and even getting to the point where you engage in pointless debates in forums on the exact characteristics of abusers.

On top of that, you may also find yourself speaking for them or justifying why your abusive ex was not all that ‘narcissistic’ (quite a common one). In short, it’s all about them. Day and night, you are thinking about them, even when it comes to doing anything else, even in your healing, even if you go for therapy, you are talking about them. You’re talking like, how could they do that? Why did they do that to me? It’s all about them. So, why do this really happen to the point where you are nowhere to be seen in this picture? Like, where are you in all this or in your healing journey? (Introspect on this).

The Path of Least Resistance

Actually, the main reason why you’re focusing on them is it’s the path of least resistance. The easy path for the current you or for your mind to follow because if you focus on them, you’re always keeping your inner ‘eyes’ fixated on someone else aside from yourself.

So, instead of focusing inwards, which is not a very easy thing, you’re focusing on an easy-yet-legitimate target. Inwards is when there’s that silence or when you are sleeping at night and then you are able to really see all the anxieties, see all the feelings of unworthiness, feelings of being unlovable, and all those negative beliefs you are carrying deep within yourself.

Because in that silence now is when you’re able to see yourself, or in that nakedness is when you are able to see yourself. It is very uncomfortable to see what’s happening on your inside and what the mind does to keep you ‘safe’ is looking for a convenient way to distract you from looking inwards. After all, how you currently perceive yourself or your current identity will do whatever it takes to preserve itself. It will even look for a good alibi which makes a lot of sense.

Focusing on Them is Realistic

Because some of the harm or pain inflicted upon you was caused by another person, it’s natural to see them and place blame, as it feels more tangible and realistic, doesn’t it? Like, it’s so realistic to really see them as the cause, like see your parents, see your abusive partner, as the cause of the traumas you’re going through. It’s very, very simple because logically, yes, it’s true to some extent. This is what makes it legitimate and easy to focus on them that coming back to yourself and taking full responsibility.

Healing is Taking Full Responsibility

It’s not about downplaying the harm they’ve caused in your life, but rather acknowledging the harm and then taking the steps to work through the pain. When you come back to yourself, you’re able to see aspects of yourself that require attention. You notice your lack of boundaries, you realize that you are feeling stuck, and you acknowledge that you are relying on other people for financial support or using relationships to escape your loneliness and emptiness deep inside. When you’re able to recognize all of these aspects, and truly understand that there’s work to be done within yourself, you will find a way to move past the pain.

Turn the Tables

Yes, they might have hurt you and caused pain, but in this present moment, as you’re reading this, you realize that it’s within your power to shift the perspective. You can begin to question why you should continue to focus on someone who has hurt you. Because the more attention and energy you devote to that person, the more power you inadvertently give them over your emotions and well-being.

Why do you have mental energy to focus on another person who’s living their life? They might not even know they’re abusive because they’ve been used to that, and they are getting benefits from it.

Channel All Your Energy to You

Imagine the possibilities if you were to redirect all your energy and focus from being a victim of the past to becoming someone who is free and joyful, embracing a better life. Why not channel all your energy to focus on yourself, to address the anxiety you are feeling, to acknowledge it, invest in your personal growth, and prioritize self-care?

Consider learning about boundaries, seeking therapy, and taking proactive steps to take care of yourself. If you could temporarily set aside distractions and concentrate solely on your own well-being, you might find that healing becomes a much easier journey, possibly even within a matter of days or weeks.


In conclusion, your mind may not let you focus on you because its’s choosing the easy path, not the hard path where you ought to face the uncomfortable. Because the mind keeps you in a path which is familiar to you, like it’s like a route you’ve used your entire life for example, blaming other people. If you look at it closely, the abusers may also blame other people or circumstances for how their life turned out to be.

So, what do we have to do? Do we blame our ancestors, our race, our generations, or do we just acknowledge and take responsibility in the present moment?

There’s nothing to do aside from each one of us taking full responsibility for ourselves in the present moment. That’s all we can change, for the better.

So, you focus on them because it’s easy and your mind wants you to focus there so that it can keep you stuck. But if you really want to get unstuck, stop engaging in debates about anyone and then just see how it goes. Like, if you are really, really idle, just sit down or even just sleep. Then you really, really see the discomfort, you really see the unhealed wounds and all those things you are running away from. And in that seeing is when you are able to find healing.

So, no amount of focusing on them will take the pain away, but focusing on you, focusing on the pain you are feeling is where the answers are. And it’s not hard; you think it’s hard because you are thinking about it. But if you just keep quiet and then see things for what they are, but the first step should be focusing on you. Then you’ll be able to really see that actually, all along, it’s always been about you.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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