Toxic Relationships: The Temptation of Wanting to Fit in

Toxic Relationships: The Temptation of Wanting to Fit in toxic relationships: the temptation of wanting to fit in
Photo by Laura Ockel on Unsplash

If there’s one thing which we certainly do unconsciously or consciously is wanting to fit in so badly. You want to be like the rest of the crowd, like the rest of your family members or your siblings. It’s one our ultimate conditioning to fit in to certain cultural norms and expectations or to fit in to a certain group as when you don’t belong to some group, you may feel like an outcast or a ‘weirdo’.

In the context of leaving an abusive relationship, the temptation of fitting in still plays a role; it plays a part in keeping you in it much longer or in drawing you to another unhealthy relationship once you leave. You may want to be in another relationship, you may want to have a life partner, you may want your kids to have the same household, to have a traditional family unit. You may want to have the things your friends have or the things some of your family members have. The pressure to conform may lead you to believe that maintaining the household is the wiser choice simply to align with societal norms.

And it’s so tempting to fit in because we are always comparing ourselves with others, comparing ourselves to our siblings, parents, friends, and everything around us. You may consider everyone in your church or community or your inner circle; they’re all in relationships, or committed relationships where they’re persevering.

You don’t even know if they’re happy or not, but because everyone is married, you just want to stay in the marriage because everyone else is doing so.

Yes, you are hurting. Yes, most of the people in places where fitting in is prioritized are hurting, but they don’t have many options because there’s just that sense of conformity, like “at least I’m married, at least I have a relationship”.

So sometimes there’s always this tendency or this temptation to want to fit in, even at the expense of your inner peace. It’s also so tempting to fit in and lump in with the common norm or “we’re social beings” just because you’re afraid of standing up by yourself and facing your fear. So, how can you safely maneuver this feeling of wanting to fit in especially after leaving an unhealthy relationship?

Embrace the ‘Loneliness’ of the Healing Journey

Actually, when it comes to really working on ourselves and prioritizing our inner peace, sometimes you really get to the point where you feel that you are alone, like you are alone in terms of doing things differently. You’ve left an abusive relationship. Not everyone around you can leave it; not everyone around you can even see they’re in an abusive relationship. But for you, you’ve really left it. That’s something to be proud of, it’s not an easy step but it’s that first step towards your inner peace.*et9czc*_ga*MTkxNjcxMDU2NC4xNjg1MDA1MjYw*_ga_6LJN6D94N6*MTY5ODczNDU3OC4yMjQuMC4xNjk4NzM0NTc4LjAuMC4w

It may initially feel very “lonely,” which is a normal experience, and you may even feel like a misfit or begin to lose some of your friends or your inner circle simply because you’re doing things differently. You may really think that there’s something wrong with you because you’re not in a relationship or you’re not maintaining a relationship like the rest, but one thing you should understand is that the fact that you’re doing things differently simply implies that you’re starting to see life through your own eyes and not through the eyes of society. You’re closer to having a choice in life rather than having your choices dictated by societally-accepted norms.

By embracing your uniqueness and individuality, you’re aligning with yourself, which is where fitting in truly matters.

It’s about finding your place within your own values and identity rather than conforming to external standards. In essence, fitting in with yourself means honoring your authenticity above societal expectations.

Fitting in Doesn’t Mean Happiness

It may seem counterintuitive to believe that fitting in leads to happiness, but in reality, embracing your true desires, even if they set you apart, is where true fulfillment lies. Just as you can’t measure sanity within an asylum, comparing your happiness to others’ appearances of contentment is pointless. What truly matters is finding happiness within yourself, regardless of external validation. Your feelings are unique to you, and your happiness is valid, even if it contrasts with the millions of people. You’re the only who knows what’s happening inside your inner world.

It’s not solely about statistics that may indicate people in relationships are happier than divorced individuals; it’s simply about you. We can talk about a happy relationship all day or “they look happy together”, but when it comes to the actual emotions, joy and all those beautiful feelings are felt individually. Even healing itself is an individual journey.


In conclusion, you don’t really need to fit in by jumping into another relationship or by sticking to it because you have mutual friends or because your inner circle is advising you to stay. You simply have to listen to yourself and challenge yourself to grow to the point where you don’t crave external validation or get to the point where your worth is not dictated by how other people perceive you.

Fitting in mostly trickles down to being worthy in the eyes of others or trying to prove your worth to other people, but it’s still a mask that will lead to deep unfulfillment in life.

It’s better to be deeply fulfilled and be called a misfit than to fit in and be deeply discontented with life. It’s better to be happy and not fit in anywhere, even if you’re lonely and walking alone, but you are very, very happy and free than to fit in but feel deeply distressed, stressed, and anxious inside, experiencing all sorts of negative emotions. It’s better to be yourself even for a day than to just fit in for a lifetime because on that day, you can truly taste how it feels to be free from the expectations of others. When you stop trying to fit in, you belong and you even end up building deep meaningful relationships and connections than the shady ones you may currently be having.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.




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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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