Toxic Relationship: Why do you want to help Your Abusive Ex?

Toxic Relationship: Why do you want to help Your Abusive Ex? toxic relationship: why do you want to help your abusive ex?
Photo by Odile Luna on Unsplash

Hey guys, today I’ll be answering why do you want to help out your abusive partner. Helping out here means that you may want to bail them out, let’s say when they are in prison. You may want to help them out of their mental issues, like you just want to help them, help them, help them all the time. So, regardless of all the things they’ve done to you, you want to help them. And this kind of help I’m talking about is the help which actually you may want to sacrifice yourself for their sake. You may want to even let them do those things to you, but that’s because you’re just helping them. So, why actually?

The main reason is not because you are helping them, it’s because you are helping yourself. You associate helping others as a way for you to feel good about yourself. All these things will come back to us. Because you’ve developed these negative beliefs about yourself, these negative beliefs are like “I have to sacrifice myself for others, I have to please others, I have to do this, I have to do this, I have to do that.” So, when you adopt these beliefs because of your environment and also the way you’ve been brought up, when you pick up this belief that you have to sacrifice yourself, you have to take care of others because when you take care of others, you feel ‘happy’. When you take care of others, you feel good. When you take care of yourself, now you feel selfish. So, you want to help them because in a way, that’s helping you. That is helping you stay where you are. That’s helping you stuck where you are. And in the real sense, it’s not helping you on a deeper level.

So, on that surface level, it’s just feeding your current identity of wanting to please others, to help others, so that you can find that satisfaction in helping them, even if it’s unhelpful to you. The mind looks at that actually the more you help, the more you feel good about yourself. But this is why you will end up getting hurt because you’re not helping yourself on a deeper level. To the mind, the more you help them the more you’re living in line with your deeply-ingrained beliefs, after all, it’s become a familiar spot for you.

So, work on breaking free from these ingrained negative beliefs of sacrificing yourself for others, so that you’ll really realize that actually, the first person you need to help is you.

And there’s no problem with helping other people, but don’t look at it as helping. Look at it as supporting. Helping is a very, very dangerous word. Helping is like those people are powerless over what they’re doing. It’s like someone is powerless over their mental health or over the things they put themselves through. No, those people are responsible. But when you help, sometimes you end up taking responsibility away from those people.

So, instead, you can just support but not at the expense of how you feel deep inside. Because most of the time when you help people, there’s always that feeling of resentment, that anger deep inside, like, “Why is it that they’re not reciprocating?” It’s because that is not how you should be approached. It should just start with yourself first — help yourself fully by dealing with these negative beliefs, and then now you can start supporting other people. You cannot support others without supporting yourself first. Take responsibility for how you are feeling deep inside. Without that, you’ll end up just wanting to help, wanting to help, and then getting stuck, getting hurt, getting hurt, getting hurt, and then carrying all these emotions with you. So, you want to help them because you’ve been conditioned and you’ve been wired to think that helping people is the way to live life. But actually, that’s not the case. The case is to support yourself. The more you support yourself, the more you support other people indirectly or even directly.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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