Shifting from Blame to Personal Responsibility After Abuse

Shifting from Blame to Personal Responsibility After Abuse shifting from blame to personal responsibility after abuse
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After leaving an abusive relationship, it’s common to find yourself blaming yourself for various aspects of the relationship. You might blame yourself for not recognizing the red flags, for your own behavior, for your ex-partner’s actions, for putting your children through that experience, or for staying in the relationship for too long. This self-blame may even extend to things beyond your control or unrelated to the relationship. It can make you feel terrible about yourself, as it creates a cycle where you believe that everything happening in your life or others’ lives is your fault.

Blaming Your Ex Doesn’t Help Either

Blaming the other person, such as the narcissist or the abuser, is another form of blame that involves shifting responsibility away from yourself and onto someone or something else. It’s a way of attributing fault solely to them, thereby absolving yourself of any accountability.

When you shift the blame onto the other person, it can provide a temporary sense of relief or justification for your own actions or choices. It allows you to distance yourself from the situation and view yourself as a powerless victim rather than an empowered victim. By focusing solely on the other person’s behavior, you may feel a sense of righteousness or moral superiority.

However, it’s important to recognize that while the other person’s actions were harmful and abusive, it doesn’t negate the role your negative beliefs played (consciously or unconsciously) or the responsibility you have for your own well-being in the present moment. Blaming solely the other person can prevent you from acknowledging your own agency and taking necessary steps towards healing and personal growth.

So, why do you blame yourself so much, even for things you can’t control?

This excessive self-blame often stems from negative beliefs ingrained in you from past experiences. If you grew up in an environment where you were constantly blamed for everything, you might internalize the belief that you’re responsible for other people’s actions. Additionally, abusers often shift blame onto their victims, further reinforcing this belief.

However, it’s crucial to recognize that these beliefs are not a reflection of who you truly are. They are remnants of your past experiences that can be addressed and overcome.

Taking Personal Responsibility is Not Accepting Blame

Taking responsibility doesn’t mean accepting blame for the other person’s abusive behavior. It means acknowledging your own choices, actions, and reactions within the context of the current relationship you have with yourself. It involves examining your own patterns, boundaries, and beliefs that may have contributed to the dynamics of the toxic relationship.

Responsibility is Empowerment

By shifting the focus from blame to responsibility, you empower yourself to make positive changes and break free from the cycle of victimhood. It allows you to take control of your own life, set healthy boundaries, and make choices that align with your well-being and values.

To facilitate your healing journey, it’s important to move from blame to responsibility. Blame is rooted in the past, while responsibility focuses on the present moment. Taking responsibility means acknowledging your current actions and choices.

Blame as a Motivator for Personal Growth

You can also use the areas you blame yourself for as motivators for personal growth. For example, if you blame yourself for not recognizing the signs, you can educate yourself about those signs. If you blame yourself for lacking boundaries, you can work on developing and asserting them. If you tend to find yourself in toxic relationships, you can explore the underlying beliefs that lead to that pattern.


When you transition to taking responsibility, you focus on the present moment and your current actions. You can’t be responsible for someone else’s actions, and you can only take responsibility for how your past actions or traumas affect your present perception of relationships and life. By embracing responsibility, you regain your power in your healing journey. It’s about acknowledging your present actions, making peace with the past, and embracing personal growth.

To break free from the cycle of self-blame, it’s important to work on those negative beliefs that have been ingrained in you. By addressing and processing these beliefs, you can reach a point of understanding that you are only responsible for yourself. You can let go of the past and embrace a new perspective that allows you to grow and thrive.

Remember, instead of blaming yourself or of blaming your abusive ex excessively, focus on what you can do in the present moment to create positive change in your life. Take your power back and understand your limits when it comes to what you will and will not tolerate from others.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these subconscious patterns for good (in less than 2 months) using Mind Shifting, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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