Rethinking Boundaries: Dispelling the Myth That Setting Boundaries Equals Hurting yourself (Myth 4)

Rethinking Boundaries: Dispelling the Myth That Setting Boundaries Equals Hurting yourself (Myth 4) rethinking boundaries: dispelling the myth that setting boundaries equals hurting yourself (myth 4)

Today, we continue our discussion on some of the myths around setting and upholding healthy boundaries. Most of these myths are from the amazing book ‘Boundaries’ by Cloud Henry and John Townsend. When you initially set boundaries, the initial reaction may make it seem like you were better off without those boundaries in the first place. You will experience pushback, resistance, and a whole range of negative emotions boiling inside you.

You might literally be ostracized from society for having and setting healthy boundaries. You might feel lonely as people start withdrawing from you because you’re not going along with their plans. Your colleagues may start excluding you from their plans because you’re not that agreeable and mostly say no when they want you to go along with their plans. Your best friend, who has a strong personality, may start distancing themselves from you because you now express yourself. So, is setting boundaries hurtful to you?

Initially, when you start setting and upholding boundaries, the retaliation and reactions you will get from those who are used to your poor boundaries will be uncomfortable. You may end up being that lonely island or feeling withdrawn from your normal go-to events, situations, or friends. It will feel like experiencing withdrawal symptoms as you paddle yourself in the unfamiliar waters. You will be tempted to go back to your default setting or to simply lower your boundaries because you cannot stand the uncomfortable feelings and emotions you are experiencing when you stand up for yourself. You may feel anxious, lonely, emotionally overwhelmed, and even stressed for starting to set healthy boundaries.

You will even experience some sort of revenge from those close to you; they may stop giving you the support they were giving you as you’ve withdrawn their means of exchange, which is your well-being. We do operate on the principle of reciprocation in most of our transactional relationships, where it’s give and receive something (not of equal measure). For example, if you used to lower your sexual boundaries to receive favors, business deals, or anything from someone, then once you start setting and upholding healthy boundaries, like saying no to their sexual approaches, they will probably retaliate by cutting off the supply of that which you were getting from them. That’s the nature of our unhealthy relationships, which are devoid of love.

On top of this, your friends and family may even start convincing you that you’re hurting yourself by not doing this or that, or by not doing what you used to do. They may have seen you lose that job or that business deal because you stood up for yourself or because you’re starting to have a healthy relationship with yourself. You might agree with them and go back to your default, boundaryless state at the cost of your well-being. After all, you don’t want to lose the benefits and the status your lack of boundaries has given you in your life. You don’t want to face the worldly consequences of having a healthy relationship with yourself.

Without Boundaries You’re Already Hurt

It may look like you are hurting yourself when you set healthy boundaries, but the opposite is true. When you’re not true to your inner voice, you’re already hurt or wounded on a deep level. When you’re not sticking to what your inner voice is telling you, you’re already carrying a burden of hate towards yourself. You are completely disregarding the pain and discomfort you’re feeling deep inside at the expense of maintaining an illusion of outer peace and comfort. However much things are comfortable on the outside, the inner discomfort nullifies all that. The inner self reflects how your life is because that’s what you feel; that’s more like the naked truth, and the outer noise is just a temporary distraction.*et9czc*_ga*MTkxNjcxMDU2NC4xNjg1MDA1MjYw*_ga_6LJN6D94N6*MTY5ODczNDU3OC4yMjQuMC4xNjk4NzM0NTc4LjAuMC4w

When you ignore your well-being, you are already hurting yourself but on a deeper level. This hurt will get to the point where it manifests on the outer through unexplained symptoms like some autoimmune diseases, and all this started with wanting to maintain a false outer image. You may also end up breaking your back by carrying too much burden than your body is supposed to carry.


Having healthy boundaries will initially feel like you’re hurting yourself, but when you don’t have them or you are not aware of your boundaryless state, you’re already hurting on the inside where it matters the most. It’s not easy standing up for yourself, but it’s better to be the only happy and free person in the room than to find belonging in being an unhappy person in a room full of unhappy people. You may feel like you’re actually withdrawing from your loved ones, but you’re actually sieving out those people who don’t want the best for you and remaining with the people who you can truly see as family or as your friends. It’s better to have one genuine friend than a million friends who can stab you in the back without a moment’s notice.

You will find and attract your crowd once you start having healthy boundaries. It may initially look like you’re hurting yourself, but you’re actually doing the true you a huge service and showing immense self-love. When you have healthy boundaries, you’re investing in yourself for the long term. You see yourself as an asset, and you’re slowly freeing yourself from the hurt.

For those of you eager to explore the intricate world of boundaries, I have an exciting announcement: our Boundaries course has officially launched! In this course, we will dive deeper into the art of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in real time. You can expect in-depth insights, practical strategies, and a comprehensive understanding of how to navigate the intricacies of boundaries. Click on the link, and let’s embark on this journey to empower you with the tools to foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships and a better quality of life.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.


  1. Cloud, Henry; Townsend, John. Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life (p. 110- 114). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.
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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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