Relationship Problems: Reassurance Ain’t Enough When Someone is Very Insecure

Relationship Problems: Reassurance Ain’t Enough When Someone is Very Insecure relationship problems: reassurance ain’t enough when someone is very insecure
Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash

Hey, have you ever found yourself in that exhausting loop of constantly having to remind and reassure your partner that you absolutely adore them? Like no matter how many displays of affection, loving words or romantic gestures you provide, they’re still stuck in insecurity jail?

· “If you really loved me, you’d xyz…”

· “I feel like you’re going to leave me because…”

· “Prove to me that…”

It might feel like you’re constantly auditioning to prove you’re “enough” in their psychological theatre. Even if you do everything right, their inner doubts keep sabotaging your efforts.

Here’s the tough truth: There is no amount of reassurance from you that will ever appease or convince someone to feel secure when their core insecurities run that deep.

You may really convince yourself with “if only I could call them every day” or do video calls each day, or meet their parents, or finally get married, or even go to couple’s therapy, or just do ABCD, then maybe they will trust me and believe my love. You will have a thousand “if only’s.” I’ve done that in the past too; you always feel there’s something extra you can do to just reassure once more. Jokes on you and me.

It doesn’t matter how doting, transparent or committed you are — their experience of you will always be distorted through those lenses of fear and inadequacy.

Why Reassurance Falls Flat

Think of it like this: Imagine you’re terrified of haunted houses, right? Like full-body panic just from the thought. Now, your friend who loves haunted houses tries to reassure you over and over:

· “Don’t worry, it’s not real!”

· “The ghosts are just actors, I promise.”

· “Here, look at these behind-the-scenes videos showing how fake it is!”

They can show you all the evidence in the world of the haunted house being fictional and harmless. But if your core fear remains unaddressed, no amount of explaining will stop that primitive feeling of terror, will it? You’re still going to anticipate being scared senseless!

It’s the same with reassuring an insecure partner. You can say “I’m not going anywhere, you’re everything to me, I choose you every day” until you’re blue in the reassurance.

But if they have core fears of abandonment, lack of self-worth or other ingrained insecurities, those loving words won’t penetrate. Their anxiety will keep serving up terrifying haunted house scenarios in their mind no matter what you rationally insist on saying.

The Only Way Out Is In

Ultimately, the person demanding constant reassurance has to do the inner work of addressing the root of those insecurities. That’s the point also, they’ve got to be the ones to do it, not you pushing them because you ‘love’ them. Some people may not be ready for the inner work and there’s nothing much we can do about it.

But there’s something we can do about us, we also get sidetracked by focusing so much on someone to the point where we become entangled in their insecurities, to the point where we forget to look at our own insecurities.

The mind is a tricky mechanism; it can keep you focused on reassuring your partner while distracting you from seeing the pain inside you. It’s the classical case of seeing the log in your neighbour’s eye. When you really want to keep reassuring them, just know you’re also avoiding some of your responsibility to some degree. It’s like you’re abandoning your insecurity to reassure their insecurity.

The only way is inward, and if they are willing to work on it, then that’s on their terms. But what about your terms? Are you willing to constantly walk on eggshells because you’re triggering their insecurity? Are you willing to bend over backwards to fill their void, which cannot be filled?

That’s too much responsibility for another human being to bear — the responsibility of assuring someone that you will not leave them or that you will be there with them forever. If they need that assurance on a daily basis, then your helping isn’t really helping but rather keeping them insecure.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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