Post Separation Abuse: 7 Post Separation Abuse Tactics and what to do about them

Post Separation Abuse: 7 Post Separation Abuse Tactics and what to do about them post separation abuse: 7 post separation abuse tactics and what to do about them
Photo by Zoriana Stakhniv on Unsplash

When you part ways with your abusive partner, it doesn’t always signify the end of their abusive ways. Depending on how abusive they were, they might still harm you and your kids, especially if you’re parenting together. So, separation doesn’t always guarantee your safety and you have to be aware of some of the tactics they might use to hurt you.

Post-separation abuse refers to any pattern of coercive and controlling behaviors that occur after a relationship has ended between you and your ex-partner. After a separation, abuse can have various objectives, such as persuading you to go back, maintaining control, impeding your rights, seeking retribution for what the abuser considers a final provocation, or simply achieving victory and having the final say in the relationship. Whatever the objective, this will have huge impact in your healing journey and you may find yourself stuck with the same, same person or with the same, same issues.

Harmful Post-Separation Abuse Tactics

1. Financial Abuse

This is where they frustrate you financially. You might have settled for a child support arrangement with them but the finances won’t come easily. They may withhold those funds for child support or just fail to comply with the agreement. You then find yourself having last-minute settlement of bills. They may also make you lose your job or just ruin some of your employment opportunities.

An abuser may also inflate the money they need for child support or they may sign up kids for very expensive activities, some of which you cannot even afford. They just want to suck every penny out of you. Another common one is the abuser may decide to quite their job or “lose” their jobs so that they can avoid sending you any form of support. It’s not easy to have uncertainties around money and that’s why the best way is to always strive to be self-reliant and make your own money.

2. Legal Abuse

This describes the tactic of using legal actions and unfounded allegations of child abuse to dominate, threaten, and financially burden you, or to secure custody as a means of ongoing control over them.

The abuser may appear as a loving and nurturing parent who desires equal or main parenting time, while in reality, their intention is to establish a means of ongoing harassment towards the survivor. Often, the abuser fabricates a misleading story, suggesting that the other parent is psychologically unstable and, as a result, should be deprived of a substantial portion or all of their parenting time.

They just want to bully you using the court system and going for repeated court sessions, some of which have no significance at all. Court battles are costly in terms of money and time. They will also intentionally delay signing the paperwork or even come up with excuses aimed at postponing court proceedings

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3. Monitoring, Stalking and Harassment

The abuser may also track some of your activities and communications. They will violate custody orders and restraining orders as well as engage in frequent unnecessary contact. They may also stalk you on social media or even physically. They just want to make sure you don’t have that peaceful life and they may come with the pretense that they are just concerned for the kids. They might also call your family constantly asking about you and your new life.

4. Child Abuse or Neglect

The abuser may also expose the kids to dangerous activities or just let them engage in some unhealthy activities. The most common ones are making the kids watch too much TV, exposing them to alcohol and other substances, feeding them with unhealthy meals or just any kind of activity which the kids may like but may not the best thing for their general well-being.

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They may also leave the kids in dangerous situations or places without any adult supervision like leaving them all by themselves at home. Other abusers may also go to the extent of physically, psychologically and sexually abusing the kids. This is not the easiest one to take and that’s where you’ve got to be mindful of what your kids tell you.

5. Counter Parenting

The other thing they will do is working against you in your co-parenting journey. This is where they will do something that is just contrary to what you do even if it ends up harming the kids. They will prioritize themselves instead of the kids. They will not want to listen to your views about the best way to take care of the kids and they’ll just do it their way without compromise. If you’re not aware of what they’re doing, you’ll find yourself tussling which ends up becoming more hurtful for the kids.

6. Isolation and Discrediting

The abuser may also spread rumors and false accusations about you to your support network or those around you. They seek to paint you as this bad person who should be isolated at all costs. They may talk about how you’ve ruined their lives or how you’ve refused to let them see their children.

7. Threats and Intimidation

The abuser may also resort to threats of how they’re going to ruin your life or make it hard for your to just live peacefully. They may threaten to expose your nudes online or make you lose your job or even threaten your life. They will of course do this insidiously in ways that make you feel so scared or just live on high alert.

They are many things abusers can do to make your life a living hell even after you’ve left them. You might think that separation will stop them from toying with you but that’s never the case. That’s why the end of the relationship is not really the end but it’s the time and space for you to really work on yourself. When you don’t do the work, you’ll still be enmeshed in their games of deceit and manipulation.

You’ll find yourself feeling frustrated, sad, angry, helpless and confused at what else you need to do to deal with them. Actually, the best strategy of dealing with an abuser after separation is not even learning about strategies but just going inwards and dealing with those wounds. When you address the inner, it will be easy for you to deal with the outer circumstances because you’ll be responding instead of reacting to their abusive ways.

You’ll not be easily triggered or overwhelmed by their actions and you’ll even see them as stepping stones for your own personal growth. The courts and the system might not be that helpful in most of the instances and the abuser might even manipulate them to work in their favor. The only place which they can’t get to or poison is inside you and that’s where you need to heal till you get to the point of letting go on a deeper level. When you let go, you can act freely without your negative beliefs limiting you.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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