Parental Alienation by an Abusive Ex: — Why Doing the Inner Work is The Best Answer

Parental Alienation by an Abusive Ex: — Why Doing the Inner Work is The Best Answer parental alienation by an abusive ex: — why doing the inner work is the best answer
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Abusive relationships are mostly characterized by power and control, with one party wanting to use everything within their grasp to dominate the other party. Some abusers have no limits on how far they can go as they seek to exert control and show their might. To some, this behavior may appear unnatural or morally incorrect, but to them, their focus is solely on maintaining control.

This is why they are willing to go to the extent of using your children as a weapon of control through parental alienation. Parental alienation occurs when one parent coerces their child to dislike or reject the other parent. It involves purposefully brainwashing the child with various ideas about the other parent, even when those ideas contradict the child’s own experiences. This pattern often emerges when co-parenting with a narcissist who aims to punish their ex-partner or manipulate their children against them. Although cruel, it is an effective manipulative tool that can lead you to compromise your boundaries to maintain your relationship with your children. This gives the abuser significant power, exploiting your greatest vulnerability, your children, to control, trigger, manipulate, or hurt you. This underscores the importance of healing.

They will go to extreme lengths to make the children side with them, even if it means fabricating lies about you.

Signs of Parental Alienation:

  • Unfairly criticizing the other parent.
  • Making the child feel that the other parent doesn’t love them.
  • Wrongly accusing the other parent of abuse or cheating.
  • Encouraging the child to discredit the other parent.
  • Buying the child’s loyalty with expensive treats they know you can’t afford.
  • Interfering with the child’s time spent with the other parent.
  • Sharing inappropriate information about the other parent with the child.

When you are not aware of these tactics, you might find yourself continuously begging or attempting to justify to your innocent children that you are blameless and the other parent is spreading falsehoods. You may even try to win your children over by proving a point or demonstrating your love, which often ends up driving you further away from them.

So, how do you deal with Narcissistic Parental Alienation?

You might think that the solution lies in fighting for your children or convincing them that your abusive ex-partner is lying to them. Let’s gradually explore this approach together (remember, exploration doesn’t imply I am right; approach this with an open mind). It’s important to recognize that each situation is unique. I will address the scenario where you’ve lost custody of your children or are engaged in a custody battle with the abusive or manipulative co-parent.

A narcissist is highly persuasive and can lie with a straight face to achieve their desired outcomes. They will confidently tell the children anything that serves to alienate you from them. Their perception of reality differs from yours, and they have no reservations about their actions. On the other hand, you have limitations on how far you can go to convince your children of your love. Lying or distorting facts is not an option for you. Moreover, you are traumatized, experiencing sadness, frequent triggers, anger, and resentment over the fact that someone you once loved or still love could subject you to such treatment.

Now, imagine being the child caught in the middle of this conflict. Would you believe the confident, charming, authoritative, and seemingly composed parent (the abusive ex, who may already be in another relationship), or would you believe the defensive, triggered, devastated, or angry parent (you, the innocent parent who has suffered due to the abusive ex)?

Naturally, you would lean towards the abusive parent, perceiving them as having their life together. The innocent parent might appear ‘crazy’ due to their defensiveness and anger. From the perspective of the child, who is unaware of the truth, when you react defensively and angrily to false accusations, it may reinforce the other parent’s claims. This further distances the child from you, possibly leading them to avoid you. In extreme cases, you might even experience suicidal thoughts due to the isolation and the fact that everyone, including your parents and friends, sides with the narcissist. It’s a harsh reality, and many parents lose full custody of their children, being deemed mentally ‘unfit’ to raise them.

The truth is, you cannot easily outmaneuver a narcissist in the arena of persuasion. Thus, the most effective solution is somewhat counterintuitive. In situations where the narcissist has gained custody of your children, it may be best to cease the battle and turn inward. Nothing surpasses the power of inner peace, a state that cannot be taken from you. When you focus inward and embark on a journey of healing, you become less susceptible to triggers related to your children’s situation. You also become immune to the co-parent’s attempts to use your children, your vulnerability, to manipulate or harm you. You neutralize this threat by disarming the narcissist on an inner level, not just on a physical one.

As you heal your traumas, your reactions to the situation subside. You can calmly observe the unfolding events and the lies being spread without feeling compelled to defend yourself. While you may lose physical custody of your children, healing and inner work help you retain your unconditional love for them. This process takes time, but those close to you, including your children, will begin to recognize your inner qualities of love, compassion, and peace. Your capacity to listen, understand, and extend warmth will shine through, even when faced with numerous accusations. Are you still following along?

The lies aimed at portraying you as a bad parent lose their power when you deeply believe in your own worthiness and your role as a good parent. When others lie about you and you are internally insecure or unsure, you remain susceptible to constant triggers. However, when you address your traumas, you become authentic and connected to your core self. You remain calm and self-assured, knowing that you are doing your best, even when no one else acknowledges your efforts and experiences. You can interact with your children without harboring resentment toward them for siding with your ex or not appreciating your sacrifices. This newfound perspective fosters greater compassion for your children, recognizing that they are also victims of manipulation.

While it might sound unconventional and perhaps even esoteric, resisting the urge to solely focus on physical battles and instead dedicating yourself to inner work can be transformative. When you cultivate inner security and peace, you naturally relinquish the need to control everything. You remain true to yourself without the urge to justify or prove anything. Engaging in this inner work is key — discover the path to inner peace 😊.

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns (in less than 2 months) , then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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