‘NO CONTACT RULE’- 5 COMMON MISTAKES WHEN GOING NO CONTACT WITH A NARCISSIST ‘no contact rule’- 5 common mistakes when going no contact with a narcissist
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Going no contact is one of the most important aspects when it comes to healing from narcissistic abuse. It is the most effective way to escape from the clutches of someone who has made your life a living hell as you seek to forge a way forward. No contact is also not the easiest part of the journey because your emotions, feelings, and hormones still play a significant role in your current decisions.

The concept of No Contact is simple and involves completely cutting off any forms of physical contact with your Ex, giving you the space and time to heal and process your past hurts. This includes no phone calls, messages, accidentally bumping into them, no communication with them via mutual friends, no stalking them on social media, or engaging in anything that involves communicating with your ex.


You’re most vulnerable after leaving a narcissistic relationship, which is why you need to take stringent measures and go ‘FULL NO CONTACT’ to avoid falling back into the same cycle of abuse. I’ve emphasized ‘FULL NO CONTACT’ because many victims of abuse don’t truly achieve full no contact and sometimes keep their windows open ‘just in case’ their abusive ex wants to reach out and make amends for their past hurts. In this article, I’m going to outline five common mistakes you need to avoid when going no contact with a narcissist.

1. Going No Response Instead of No Contact:

This is where you choose not to talk to the narcissist but leave the door open for them to call you, text you, or communicate with you. You haven’t blocked them or deleted their numbers, and you might still be following them on social media, yet you believe you’ve initiated no contact.

They have access to you, and when they send you messages or call you, you choose not to respond and even ignore them. While you may delete those messages, the key is that you’ve received them. Thinking that not responding to their messages constitutes no contact is a common mistake; in reality, that’s not no contact at all, and you’re playing with fire.

You’re underestimating a narcissist who knows how to play their games well and has a deep understanding of your weaknesses and vulnerabilities. A narcissist knows which buttons to press and will continue pressing them until they get the right combination to either gain reentry into your life or make you respond. Full no contact entails preventing the narcissist from reaching you through any means.

2. Breaking No Contact to Reinforce No Contact:

This point is connected to the first, but here, you may become so fed up with their messages and threats that you end up contacting them. They might have been trying to win you back or even apologizing for their behavior. They might bombard you with phone calls and messages until you reach the breaking point and want to tell them that you’re moving on. You might send a message like, “Hey, stop calling and messaging me.

I am moving on with my life.” However, by doing so, you’ve unintentionally reinforced their behavior and given them the validation they sought. You’ve essentially shown them that their persistence pays off, even though your intention was to assert yourself.


3. The Trap of Mutual Friends & Flying Monkeys:

Let’s review Communication 101: communication involves the exchange of information through a medium. You might think you’ve implemented No Contact with your abusive ex, but you’re still receiving updates about them through mutual friends, indirectly maintaining a line of communication.

These friends may convey greetings, apologies, or try to convince you to reconcile, claiming that your ex still ‘loves’ you. Your narcissistic ex might also be using mutual friends to send messages indirectly. Some of these mutual friends or loved ones might even side with the narcissist, acting as conduits for their manipulation.

Not speaking directly to your ex doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not communicating through these intermediaries. Consistently receiving information about your ex through others means your ‘No Contact’ has been compromised. This is a common trap that people tend to overlook, and the best course of action is to avoid people who side with your ex, if possible. If avoidance isn’t feasible, set and uphold your ‘no contact’ boundaries with them.

4. Stalking Them on Social Media:

Another common pitfall to avoid is keeping tabs on your ex through social media. You might have unfriended or blocked them, yet you find yourself monitoring their social media profiles to see how they’re faring. It might seem harmless until you stumble upon a post that seems to carry a direct message for you.

This message could be a motivational quote like, “Some people come into your life to teach you a lesson,” or “I’ve never felt happier and freer.” They might also post affectionate photos with their new partner, captioned to evoke jealousy and feelings of unworthiness.

All their posts might feel like psychological torment, designed to torture you and make you regret leaving them. Truly going full no contact means detaching yourself entirely from your ex, including refraining from monitoring their online presence.

5. Thinking No Contact Is Enough:

The final common mistake is believing that no contact is the sole solution when dealing with a narcissist. Many abuse survivors enact no contact and then stop there. However, this approach falls short, as physical no contact alone doesn’t stop the narcissist from tormenting you mentally.

Memories, emotions, and thoughts about them still influence your present life and can even drive you to the brink. The narcissist may have implanted these seeds in your mind while you were together. Therefore, physical no contact is just the foundation, giving you space and time to heal from their abuse.

Now, the focus should be on turning inward to detach yourself spiritually and emotionally, freeing yourself from the influence of the narcissist. No contact is crucial, especially in the initial stages of healing when your perception is still distorted. However, keep in mind that a narcissist might not cease contacting you when you initiate no contact; they can be remarkably persistent in their attempts to regain control.

Remember, you go no contact not to hurt the narcissist or seek revenge, but to heal, liberate yourself from the chains of abuse, and reclaim the life you deserve. Your aim in leaving the narcissist was not merely to ‘not contact them,’ but to thrive and flourish. It’s counterproductive to spend most of your ‘no contact’ days keeping tabs on them instead of focusing on your healing journey and rediscovering your authentic self.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns (in less than 2 months) , then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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