‘NO CONTACT RULE’: 4 Common Mistakes When Cutting Ties with a Narcissist

‘NO CONTACT RULE’: 4 Common Mistakes When Cutting Ties with a Narcissist no contact rule
Photo by Prateek Katyal on Unsplash

When it comes to dealing moving on from a narcissistic relationship, you will fall for many traps in your journey and when you’re not aware you may fall into the same hands of someone who you were trying to avoid.

One of the best moves for you if you’re dealing with someone who can reasons things out logically is to cut ties with them or to go ‘no contact.’ Depending on your situation, this means cutting all indirect and direct channels of communication and really focusing on you and healing the pain they’ve caused in your life. Today, I’d like to share with you 4 common mistakes you’re more than likely to face when you’re practicing ‘No Contact.’

The “I’m Just Not Responding” Trap

Picture this: You’ve finally done it. You’ve decided to go ‘No Contact’ but haven’t exactly hit ‘Block’ on their number. So, you’re probably thinking, “Hey, I’ll just ignore their messages or their calls. That counts, right?” Wrong.

You may think it’s a good idea and that there’s no problem as long as you’re not responding to their calls or checking their text messages. But here’s the thing — every time that phone buzzes, your heart starts racing as you always think it’s them.

After all, you’ve not blocked them, and you’re also making it easy for them to contact you, which defeats one of the main purposes of ‘No Contact.’ ‘No Contact,’ especially when your boundaries are still scanty and loose, is more about making it hard for you to be unconsciously or consciously drawn to your familiar ex and also making it hard for them to get to you through their insidious means.

So, when you go ‘No Contact’ without cutting off channels of communication or by just ‘not responding’, it’s like telling the thief, “Hey, I am leaving the gate open, you can come in when I am asleep and do what you normally do.”

Actual full ‘No Contact’ means they can’t reach you at all. Block their number or their social media, or minimize the contact to the essential only, like when you have a parenting arrangement. Your mind will trick you into keeping the window open, but that’s the same mind that tricked you into making excuses for them when you were in the relationship.

Breaking ‘No Contact’ to Reaffirm ‘No Contact’

This is another common situation you may find yourself in: the narcissist is constantly bombarding you with messages and phone calls from different phone numbers day and night.

You’re practicing ‘No Contact,’ but you’re so annoyed by their incessant and bothersome calls that you’re thinking, “If I just tell them one more time, maybe it’ll get through this time.” You want to break your ‘No Contact,’ which was going really well, just to inform them to stop calling you. It may seem like a logical step, but it’s not.

Your response and attention are like the oxygen they need to soothe their egos. If you open the channel, especially when you haven’t done some inner work, it may catch you off guard, and sooner rather than later, you will find yourself in those situations of, “How did I get here?”

They are quite persuasive and manipulative, and they know your ins and outs, especially when you haven’t grown out of the experience. One statement from them can trigger you and lead you to fully open those lines of communication. So, if they keep bothering you with phone calls, just don’t respond or give them the signal that you can still block them.

The “Mutual Friends” Loophole

This one’s a bit tricky. You may have blocked your ex from all channels, but your friend or sister, Sarah or Kevin, just can’t stop updating you about them. “Oh, I saw them last week, and they seemed so sorry and depressed,” they might say.

In no time, you start getting picture-by-picture scenarios of your ex’s life from your mutual friends, family, or colleagues. They may mean well with those updates, or they may not be aware of the harm they’re putting you through, but those updates are not serving you at all. It’s like an indirect channel of communication with your ex.

They might also be double agents, passing along messages or even apologizing on their behalf. This is a common situation that can be difficult to avoid, but the key is to set boundaries with those people who talk about your ex, asking them to stop. You can also limit how much you share about yourself with those mutual acquaintances.

Keeping Tabs on Their Social Media

Let’s be honest — we’ve all done it to some degree. Late at night, you find yourself feeling a bit lonely, scrolling through their Instagram or TikTok feed or stories. “I’m just curious to see what they’re up to,” you may tell yourself. But curiosity killed the cat, and it can destroy your no contact or your peace as well, especially when you haven’t worked on your wounds.

You may spend time analyzing or simply checking your ex’s Facebook, asking yourself if that quote was about you, or wondering who that new person in their photos is. Before you know it, you start questioning if you made the right decision, doubting yourself, or even missing them.

You may even be tempted to ‘like’ their stories, only to later send them a message of apology as your addiction to them kicks in. Keeping tabs on your ex is like an addict who wants to be sober but keeps alcohol in their fridge or constantly visits a liquor store just to check new brands of alcohol on the market.

Conclusion

Moving on from a toxic relationship can be challenging, and it’s natural to make mistakes along the way. You don’t need to be perfect. Instead, focus on how you can improve without being hard on yourself. At the end of the day, the main goal is not really ‘practicing no contact’; the main goal is for you to heal and grow as an autonomous being who wants to experience life with its greatest possibilities. It’s the point where, even when you bump into your ex, you may feel some sort of anxiety, but it doesn’t throw you into an emotional spiral afterward because you fully believe in yourself and your capacity to take care of yourself.

Another thing is, ‘No Contact’ may get really hard for you if that’s your sole focus. But if you go inward and acknowledge the pain that is already there, your journey will be emotionally challenging at first, but later on, it will be the most rewarding thing you can give yourself. You should also be wary of the fact that your current identity may lie to you, telling you that you’re ‘strong’ enough and you don’t need no contact. That’s just how the mind deceives you to keep you in a familiar spot. Challenge it and be honest with your capacity to deal with the narcissist. You’ve got this. I’m here to cheer you on.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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