My Abusive Partner Promises They’ll Change. Will They?

My Abusive Partner Promises They’ll Change. Will They? my abusive partner promises they’ll change. will they?
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

You find yourself in a difficult and challenging situation, where you have invested years in a relationship that is not working out as you had hoped. The hope that your partner will change their behaviors is the only thread holding the relationship together, and this hope has kept you clinging on for a long time. Your current identity and attachment to the relationship prevent you from looking beyond the present circumstances, making it hard to consider alternatives. Despite the uncertainty and doubt, you find yourself focusing on the sincerity you want to see in your partner’s actions or promises.

When an abusive partner promises to change, it can be an emotionally overwhelming and confusing experience. On one hand, you yearn for positive transformation and a healthier relationship, while on the other hand, you grapple with the fear of losing what you have invested in. It’s essential to take a step back and objectively assess the situation.

Waiting for Them to Change is A Distraction

Waiting for someone else to change can indeed become a distraction, diverting our focus away from self-introspection and personal growth. When we invest our energy and hope in the expectation that someone else will change, we risk overlooking the crucial work of turning inward and comprehending our own needs, boundaries, and emotional well-being.

The act of waiting may offer temporary relief from emotional pain, as we become fixated on the hope that our partner will eventually change their behaviors. However, this hope can blind us from acknowledging and addressing the inner pain we are currently experiencing. By placing all our attention on external factors, we may neglect the profound emotions and struggles that reside within us.

Their Change is Not Your Inner Change

The intention here is not to definitively conclude whether your partner will change or not. Instead, it is to delve into a deeper understanding of the situation and to explore why even if your partner does change, it may not be enough to heal the damage and deep traumas they have caused in your life.

When considering the possibility of your partner changing, it’s crucial to acknowledge that change alone may not be sufficient to repair the wounds they have inflicted. Abuse and trauma can leave lasting emotional scars that go beyond surface-level behaviors. Even if your partner exhibits signs of change, the underlying issues and the pain they have caused may still persist.

So, you find yourself at a point where no one can convince you that your partner will not change, and that’s understandable. However, what you can do is seek help to deal with the emotional wounds you are carrying. Reaching out for support and addressing unresolved traumas can enable you to gain clarity and perspective. By healing the emotional pain that resides deep within you, you’ll begin to see things more clearly without your past painful experiences clouding your vision or your current identity providing false hope, even when there is no evidence of genuine commitment to change from your partner.

As you embark on the healing process, you’ll notice a shift in your perspective. Instead of being driven by tainted emotions, your approach will become more rational and logical. Your authentic self, the core of who you are, doesn’t want you to be trapped in emotional turmoil or enduring pain. By working on your healing, you can reconnect with your authentic self and prioritize your well-being.

As you heal and gain clarity, you may start to reevaluate the situation with a clearer lens. You may recognize whether your partner’s actions align with their promises and if genuine change is taking place. With a stronger sense of self and emotional healing, you can make decisions based on your well-being and self-worth, rather than being solely guided by hope or fear.

Being Positive

Another thing to consider is this: if your partner truly ‘changes,’ wouldn’t it be better if they encounter a changed version of you as well? There’s no downside to working on yourself, irrespective of whether your partner changes or not; it will only bring positive outcomes for you and the relationship. Taking steps to improve yourself can lead to a healthier relationship compared to its current state. So, why not consider therapy not just to facilitate your partner’s change, but primarily to address the traumas and emotional pain caused by the relationship? By doing so, you can become a better partner to yourself and a better parent to your kids. Ultimately, investing in your personal growth will enhance your well-being and contribute to a more fulfilling and harmonious relationship.

Even if your partner never changes, you will be in a better place because you will not be afraid of being alone. You will have and understand healthy boundaries, enabling you to better protect yourself from your abusive partner. Additionally, you will make decisions centered on recognizing your worth and deserving of love and respect, unlike the current choices that stem from feeling unworthy and undeserving of love.

By working on yourself and embracing self-worth, you empower yourself to create a life that is centered around love, respect, and emotional well-being, regardless of whether your partner changes or not. Remember, investing in your own growth and self-value is a powerful step towards a happier and more fulfilling life.


As a probing conclusion to the article, I encourage you to consider the two options before you: working on yourself as you wait for them to change or just hoping for them to change. While it may be tempting to cling to the hope that your partner will transform and improve the relationship, placing all your focus on their potential change can be disempowering. Instead, I invite you to choose the first option, which is working on yourself.

Working on yourself is an empowering decision that allows you to take charge of your own happiness and well-being, regardless of external circumstances. It means investing in your personal growth, healing from past traumas, and developing healthy boundaries. This choice doesn’t depend on your partner’s actions but centers on your own self-improvement and self-love.

By working on yourself, you shift your focus from waiting and hoping to actively creating positive change in your life. This path opens doors to self-discovery, self-empowerment, and personal transformation. You become better equipped to handle challenges and make decisions that align with your values and needs.

Remember, regardless of whether your partner changes or not, choosing to work on yourself is an investment in your own well-being and future. It’s a commitment to becoming the best version of yourself and creating a life rooted in love, respect, and emotional strength.

Take the courageous step of working on yourself and building a solid foundation of self-worth and self-love. Embrace the journey of personal growth, and you will find that even in difficult circumstances, you have the power to shape your own destiny. Empower yourself today, and let your inner strength guide you towards a brighter and more fulfilling future.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these subconscious patterns for good (in less than 2 months) using Mind Shifting, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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