Moving Beyond an Abusive Relationship: How the Quest for Answers Can Keep You Stuck

Moving Beyond an Abusive Relationship: How the Quest for Answers Can Keep You Stuck moving beyond an abusive relationship: how the quest for answers can keep you stuck

If there’s one place you might find yourself stuck after leaving an abusive relationship, it’s the overwhelming desire for answers or explanations from your abusive ex regarding why they inflicted the pain they did. Some of the questions that may haunt your thoughts include: –

“Why did you treat me this way?”

“What drove you to be so hurtful and controlling?”

“Did you ever truly love me, or was it all a facade?”

Were you aware of the emotional and physical pain you were causing me?

“Were there moments when you regretted your behavior?”

“Did I do something wrong to deserve this?”

“Did you even realize the harm you were causing?”

And many more questions may arise. You can find yourself trapped in an endless loop of questions, which may not have immediate answers as you begin to gain a better understanding of what transpired. When you were with them, you often couldn’t ask these questions, as your voice had been stifled by the suffocating grip of the abusive relationship. But now, as you start learning about narcissism and recognizing the manipulative techniques used, you begin to grasp how deeply entangled you were in their intricate web of lies and deceit.*1g6hgkm*_ga*MTkxNjcxMDU2NC4xNjg1MDA1MjYw*_ga_6LJN6D94N6*MTY5OTQyNjMyMC4yNDEuMS4xNjk5NDI2NDE2LjAuMC4w

It’s all about the desire to understand why they did what they did. One aspect of these questions is that you may not necessarily want those answers from them; rather, you’re driven to learn more and more in an attempt to comprehend why they engaged in certain actions, such as X, Y, and Z. It’s a quest for answers and reasons behind the abrupt change of someone who was once considered a ‘compassionate’ soul.

Listen to Yourself

The entangling aspect of these questions is that you may believe that once you obtain the answers, you’ll achieve closure or be able to move forward. However, it’s more like falling down a never-ending rabbit hole, diverting you from the actual source of the answers, which is the pain you’re experiencing. When you become obsessed with the need to know or to find answers, you’re essentially not listening to yourself. Your focus is fixated on the ‘how’ and ‘why’ there is fire in your house without truly addressing the urgent need to extinguish the flames that are already consuming you. You’re neglecting the sleepless nights and the toll it has taken on your well-being, all of which have been affected by that abusive relationship

Take Responsibility

When you continually seek answers in an attempt to quench that thirst for understanding, you’re essentially disempowering yourself and evading responsibility. It may seem ‘easier’ to learn and want to understand why they behaved the way they did, but it’s far more emotionally challenging to examine why we find ourselves entangled in unhealthy patterns in our lives.

Taking full responsibility for your healing journey involves confronting those emotionally challenging aspects, which means working on your negative beliefs and diving deep into the pain you’re experiencing to uncover its root causes.

No answers from them will ever satisfy the thirst and emptiness within; you’re merely postponing the inevitable. The true answers lie within the pain and the toxic patterns you’ve become ensnared in. Everything else serves as external distractions that prevent you from truly seeing and understanding yourself.


In conclusion, it’s entirely understandable to seek answers, but it’s important to recognize that these external answers are not the ultimate solution to breaking free from toxic patterns. In fact, they can serve as distractions, preventing you from addressing the real source of your issues, which lies in the anger, bitterness, and resentment that you’re holding deep inside, along with the negative emotions you still carry with you.

Instead of focusing on external explanations for why they behaved as they did, it’s more effective to explore inner answers that dig into why you continue to attract these patterns and work on resolving those internal aspects. Your external circumstances, behaviors, and actions are often reflections of your inner world, making inner transformation a crucial key to breaking free from toxic patterns and achieving lasting change.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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