How You Make a Relationship Unhealthy When You’ve Not Healed

How You Make a Relationship Unhealthy When You’ve Not Healed how you make a relationship unhealthy when you’ve not healed
Photo by Afif Ramdhasuma on Unsplash

Leaving an abusive relationship often triggers a strong desire for temporary relief and an escape from loneliness. It’s natural for someone in that situation to crave emotional support and a sense of belonging, which can make starting a new relationship seem appealing. However, it’s important to acknowledge that while the new relationship may not display toxic traits at the beginning, it has the potential to become unhealthy if the unresolved issues and lack of healing from the previous relationship are carried over.

To truly establish a healthy relationship, it is recommended to prioritize personal healing before entering a new partnership. While it’s possible to heal while in a relationship, it can be challenging because the comfort zone of a new relationship can hinder the necessary introspection and growth. Pain often acts as a motivator for change, and healing beforehand allows individuals to approach new relationships from a place of emotional well-being.

Contagious Toxic Behavior

One contributing factor to the unhealthy nature of relationships is the contagiousness of toxic behaviors. When you find yourself involved in a toxic relationship, it’s common to develop coping mechanisms as a means to navigate the difficulties you face. These coping mechanisms can manifest in various ways, including lying, engaging in toxic criticism, being cynical, resorting to excessive drinking, or exhibiting undesirable behavior that strays from your authentic self.

It’s important to recognize that while these coping mechanisms may initially serve as survival strategies, they can ultimately contribute to the perpetuation of an unhealthy dynamic in your new relationships. For example, when you resort to lying in order to avoid difficult conversations or conflicts, it creates a foundation built on deception rather than open and honest communication. Similarly, engaging in toxic criticism, whether directed towards yourself or your new partner, erodes trust and fosters negativity within the relationship. Cynicism, excessive drinking, or other undesirable behaviors also further distance you from your true self and prevent genuine connection and growth.

Furthermore, these coping mechanisms can evolve into manipulative behaviors that perpetuate the cycle of toxicity. For instance, if you have experienced manipulation in the past, you might adopt manipulative tactics yourself as a means of survival or control. You may play the victim to elicit care and attention from your new partner, creating an imbalanced power dynamic and fostering an unhealthy environment. Alternatively, you may resort to manipulating your partner’s emotions or actions to serve your own needs, further contributing to the toxicity within the relationship.

Being Constantly Triggered

Moreover, triggers from past trauma and experiences can significantly impact the dynamics of your new relationship. Various instances, whether it’s intimacy, going to specific places, or engaging in particular activities, can trigger negative emotional responses due to your past associations. Consequently, you may struggle to be fully present in your new relationship, as you react based on past experiences rather than current circumstances. This emotional unavailability and avoidance of triggering situations limit your partner’s freedom and hinder the growth of your relationship.

By not fully immersing yourself in the present relationship, you may unintentionally restrict your partner’s ability to express themselves freely and inhibit the development of authentic intimacy and connection. When you are constantly on edge or anxious due to triggers, your partner may feel compelled to tiptoe around certain subjects or modify their behavior to avoid setting off negative emotions. This self-censorship restricts their ability to fully engage and express themselves, ultimately hindering the growth and depth of your relationship.


Hypersensitivity refers to an exaggerated or heightened sensitivity to certain stimuli or situations. It can manifest in various ways, such as emotional, sensory, or social hypersensitivity.

Emotional hypersensitivity often involves having intense emotional reactions to relatively minor events or comments. Small disagreements or perceived slights may trigger strong feelings of hurt, anger, or sadness. Individuals who are emotionally hypersensitive may be more prone to taking things personally and may struggle with regulating their emotions effectively. This can lead to frequent misunderstandings, conflicts, and a heightened vulnerability to emotional distress.

The need for Constant Validation and Reassurance

Constant validation and reassurance-seeking are behaviors commonly observed in unhealthy relationships. These behaviors often stem from deep-rooted insecurities rooted in past experiences. In such relationships, individuals may find themselves constantly seeking validation from their partners, engaging in actions like incessantly calling their partner, acting suspicious, or demanding constant reassurances of love and affection.

This persistent need for validation creates a co-dependent dynamic within the relationship. You may heavily rely on your partner’s words and actions to validate your self-worth and alleviate your insecurities. However, this places a significant burden on your partner, who may feel overwhelmed by the constant need for reassurance and validation. Consequently, it can lead to feelings of frustration, exhaustion, and emotional drain for both you and your partner.

Furthermore, this pattern of seeking validation hinders the development of a healthy sense of self-love and self-assurance. By relying solely on external validation, you are unable to cultivate a strong foundation of self-confidence and self-worth. Instead, you become dependent on your partner’s validation to feel worthy and secure in the relationship. This reliance on external sources for self-esteem perpetuates a cycle of insecurity and emotional dependency.

Conclusion — Work on You

To foster a healthy relationship, it is important for you to focus on self-empowerment and personal growth. Taking the time to heal from past traumas and address emotional baggage will allow you to enter new relationships with a healthier mindset. This will enable you to bring your best self to the partnership, free from the burden of unresolved issues. Rather than relying on your partner to fix your wounds, you should strive to cultivate self-love and work on your personal development.

In summary, it is crucial for you to avoid allowing the lingering effects of past experiences to make new relationships unhealthy. By prioritizing your personal healing and growth, you can break free from the cycle of unhealthy relationships and build strong, mutually supportive partnerships based on self-awareness, emotional well-being, and genuine connection. Instead of rushing into a new relationship, take the time to focus on yourself, heal, and cultivate a healthy foundation for future connections.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these subconscious patterns for good (in less than 2 months) using Mind Shifting, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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