How to Break Up with a Narcissist or an Abusive Partner Safely and Securely

How to Break Up with a Narcissist or an Abusive Partner Safely and Securely how to break up with a narcissist or an abusive partner safely and securely
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You’ve conducted your Google Search or consulted with other survivors of abuse, and you’ve finally uncovered their abusive and manipulative behavior. Your dreams have been shattered, leaving a dent in your sense of self. You might even wish you could go back in time and avoid that first date, but the reality is here now. You’re left wondering where to go from here.

Anyone who’s been in an abusive relationship understands that ending it is one of the most difficult tasks due to several factors such as:

– Your sense of compassion and empathy toward your abusive partner
– Distorted sense of reality
– Level of investment in the relationship
– Hope that things will improve
– Dependence, both emotional and financial, on your partner
– Trauma bonds that feel like love
– Fear of retaliation from your spouse
– The sacrifice of wanting a ‘traditional’ family unit for your children
– Shared work or business endeavors
– Threats of violence, physical harm, or sabotage to your life

These are just a few reasons I’ve gathered while coaching abuse victims on what prevented them from leaving their toxic relationships. Breaking up with a narcissist isn’t the same as a regular breakup, because in a regular breakup, your partner usually won’t smear your name in the neighborhood, wage war against you, or jump into a new relationship on the same day. Aside from the heartache, you won’t likely fear physical or emotional harm from a normal breakup. Once you realize your partner is abusive, the golden rule is to leave immediately, implement full ‘NO CONTACT,’ and focus on healing.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t apply to every abuse victim due to the legitimate obstacles we’ve mentioned that can make it challenging to break free. Breaking up with a narcissist requires strength, effort, commitment, strategy, support, and empowerment, but you possess the capacity to do so. There are various ways to break up with a narcissistic spouse or parent, each with its own advantages and disadvantages, depending on your specific circumstances.

  1. Cold Turkey

This approach involves not waiting for the ‘right’ time to break up. You do it regardless of your uncertainty about whether you can follow through. You can create a safety plan, ensure you have essentials with you, then leave. While your heart might ache, you move to a safe space, initiate ‘No Contact,’ and plan your next steps.

This is particularly recommended if you’re dealing with a physically aggressive spouse or high levels of emotional abuse. Safety is the priority, and once you’re secure, you can strategize further.

If you have children together, stringent measures should be taken to ensure their safety. Keep in mind that an abusive person might become more violent upon sensing your departure, so proceed with extreme caution. The key is to minimize face-to-face confrontation and keep your plans discreet.

2. Weaning off the Drug

This method is suitable for longer-term marriages with shared legal matters and when living together is necessary. It’s not the simplest option, as you remain in the same space. With this approach, you’re committed to leaving, but you need time to plan and execute the process.

This could involve sorting out legal issues, financial matters, finding a new place to stay, or other valid reasons that require you to remain under the same roof. The goal is to find ways to coexist more peacefully without being lured back into the cycle of abuse.

Beware of love-bombing attempts, especially when they sense your distance. To execute this method effectively, create activities that keep you occupied away from them, minimize argument-inducing situations, maintain zero expectations, or any strategy that reinforces your detachment from the relationship.

3. Using Your Anger

This strategy leverages your anger towards your partner to motivate you to leave. When you’ve been traumatized to the point of lacking motivation, tapping into your anger can serve as the catalyst to pack your bags and walk away.

Channel your fury and frustration to the point where you’ve had enough and choose to leave the relationship. To make this method work, reconnect with your anger every time your partner tries to manipulate you. Maintaining a journal of their abusive incidents can help fuel your resolve. The aim is to reach a boiling point where you’re so fed up that you abandon the relationship as a form of ‘revenge’ for their mistreatment.

4. Setting Ultimatums and Unbreakable Contracts

Break up with a narcissist by setting ultimatums for yourself. Establish conditions that you won’t compromise or go back on if they’re violated. You might involve a trusted friend or loved one to hold you accountable for the ultimatums you’ve set.

This method provides that final push needed to leave the narcissist. Stick to your ultimatums without entertaining rationalizations, justifications, or apologies for their behavior. For added effect, take a concrete step that would be embarrassing to backtrack on.

Examples include changing your relationship status on social media to ‘single,’ holding a symbolic declaration event (not literally), or posting on social media in a way that friends and family can see. The goal is to make turning back from your decision extremely uncomfortable, motivating you to keep your promise.

5. Be Boring to Be Discarded

Narcissists thrive on excitement and thrill. By becoming uninteresting to them, you can prompt them to discard you. Cut off their supply, respond neutrally to their provocations, or refuse to engage in their games. Present your mundane side to the point that they prefer spending time with anyone but you.

When they find you boring, they’ll likely seek new sources of attention. This method is suggested when you cannot avoid interaction with the narcissist, and you use their absence to plan your exit. While not the most recommended approach, as some narcissists might view it as a challenge and increase their efforts, it can offer a temporary respite and space for your planning.

6. Take No Shit Method or Boundary Setting Method

This method involves standing your ground and confronting your partner’s actions and behavior. Call out their manipulation or gaslighting every time they attempt it. This approach works best when you’re resolute in your values and unfazed by their reactions. Toxic individuals who prefer easy targets might be deterred by your assertiveness. However, be prepared for them to escalate their tactics to break you down. This method should be used as a last resort, particularly when the narcissist hasn’t yet taken a firm hold on the relationship.


Regardless of the method you choose, the goal is not to extend your stay or cope with the toxicity, but to achieve full ‘No Contact’ or minimized contact and focus on healing. Your energy, time, and efforts should be channeled into this goal. Remember, your ultimate focus should be on regaining your happiness and freedom.

Even if it feels like you don’t deserve it due to the emotional and psychological torment you’ve endured, you do deserve a life marked by respect, love, and liberation. While the journey might seem insurmountable or hopeless, as long as even a glimmer of light remains, there’s potential for change (and even in the absence of light, you can create your own).

By dedicating each day to planning your way out instead of seeking signs of change or justifications for their behavior, you will find your path to freedom. It’s a process, but with effort and priority, your life can transform. Your happiness is worth fighting for, and remember, you’re not alone on this journey.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns (in less than 2 months) , then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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