How Do You Deal with the Fact that Your Abusive Ex is ‘Winning in Life’

How Do You Deal with the Fact that Your Abusive Ex is ‘Winning in Life’ how do you deal with the fact that your abusive ex is ‘winning in life’

They’ve done terrible things to you, and you really wish all kinds of karma could strike them or that the universe will punish them severely for their evil acts. You wish they could pay for their animosity, deceit, lies, manipulation, and more things that you find difficult to explain.

Despite all this, they are putting up that smile; they’re even talking to your friends about how their lives have shaped up nicely since you ended the relationship. They are probably buying a house or a new car with their new unsuspecting partner. They are living the dream you were promised, and all this is unfolding right in front of your eyes. They’ve even manipulated the justice system, and they’re probably winning all the cases. In some cases, they might end up alienating you from your kids because you lack the capacity to take care of them or you’re ‘unstable.’

When you look at it closely, you will really be furious, feel hateful, and you will want to take revenge, which are normal feelings to have when someone has really upset you. You will see that they’re winning in life, and then there you are, terribly losing and hurt.

So, what options do you have? Do you match their energies by fighting with them?

Fighting to Match Up with Them or Expose Them

One thing you will be tempted to do is to change revenge fantasies or try so hard to expose them so that they can feel the pinch or so that their new unsuspecting partner may find out that they’re manipulative. You may do this by looking for evidence of their deceit or by trying to convince their new partner or those people who support your ex that they’re not who they claim to be. After all, you want to win or get back on the pedestal as the better one, as the ‘good person.’

Will this work? This rarely works because you know how charming and manipulative they are. They can go an extra mile and do things which to you are unnatural just to win the trust of the people you’re trying to convince because they don’t have much conscience unlike you. They can do strange things that you cannot possibly do, and that gives them an upper hand in the game of persuasion, which means you’ll probably end up losing.

Their new partner will not believe your allegations and may even view you as that jealous ex who your abusive ex was talking about. Their new partner has also been brainwashed the same way you were at the beginning of the relationship. They’ve been love-bombed or showered with excessive words of affection, and they’ve also been manipulated, and they can’t see or think clearly.

The other thing is when you’re frustrated and still harboring feelings of hate and resentment, you will not be thinking clearly; you will appear ‘unstable’ to the people you’re trying to convince. This will even give your abusive ex another leverage when they smear you or tell everyone about your unstable nature, and you will end up being hurt. They might even set you up and collect all the evidence of why you can’t even be with the kids, and you need to be institutionalized. The more you try to defend yourself, the more those around you lose trust in your allegations. So, defending yourself still supports their agenda and gives them more points on their scorecard.

Compete with Them

When you really feel the hate and want revenge so badly, you may, at times, use that as motivation or as a way to prove a point that you can as well have what they have. This may have some positive connotation to it, but it depends on how you apply it.

One side is where you prove a point to them that you’re also ‘winning in life.’ You can do this by jumping into another relationship, getting engaged, buying another car or house, and you do it in such a way that they see what you’re doing or what you’re achieving. You want to make them feel jealous of your new amazing life. You want them to see that you still got it.

Another thing you might do is you may go to the gym obsessively or just be obsessed with self-care as you want to get that toned shape back, especially if they once told you that you’re becoming fat. You want to be good-looking so that you can rub it in their face.

This may not look like a bad way to ‘win’ because you’re more focused on yourself than on them, but it has a downside to it because you will probably end up making the wrong decisions, like unwanted pregnancies or getting into another abusive relationship, overspending and probably getting in debt, hurting your body by doing too much workout, or just making decisions you will regret later once you come back to your senses.

When you make decisions with your emotions, you will not be looking at things logically, and it mostly ends in tragedy and tears. Your motivation to match up with them on an outer level will also inflate your ego or keep you stuck with your current identity because it will feed you with the illusion that you’re doing well in life, yet on the inside, you’re aching. On the inside, you feel empty and lost, you feel disjointed and disconnected with reality and with life, or those feelings you have when you lay your head on your pillow every night. Your inner discomfort is a clear sign that you’ve lost focus and lost touch with your inner beingness.

You’re Already a Winner

You’re already winning in life. The fact that you’ve survived and come out of that abusive relationship means you’ve walked through hell and back. You’ve faced a lot of abuse in that relationship, but here you are. You might be hurt or feeling bitter, but you’re also breathing and no longer suffocating with someone who used you and lied to you.

When you chase someone who rarely sees the hurtfulness of their actions, you’re stooping to their level — the level of avoiding responsibility in life, the level of chasing desires that will never fill the emptiness deep inside, the level of being hateful and blaming everyone for what’s happening.

So, your urge for revenge and to win is valid; your hate is valid, and all those negative emotions you are feeling are also valid. But don’t undo the good work you’ve done by making them the center of your life. You’re the center of your life now, and you can use your newly-found awareness as a stepping stone to finally break free from those harmful and subconscious patterns in life.

You can do it. It doesn’t matter if your trauma or unhealed wounds are years and years old; there’s nothing like ‘a lot of trauma.’ Your mind or the voices of your past are just trying to keep you stuck in pain — pain which is memory, a memory that needs to be processed and healed.

The win is when you use those people who hurt you as stepping stones or as a staircase you walk on as you walk to reclaim the prize, which is a gem that has never really gone away but has just been clouded by scars and wounds. You’ve not lost; you’re a winner, and I am here to cheer you on in your journey of releasing what’s not yours and reclaiming what’s truly yours, that which can never be taken away from you.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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