Healing Journey: When You’re Stuck Focusing on Your Abuser?

Healing Journey: When You’re Stuck Focusing on Your Abuser? healing journey: when you’re stuck focusing on your abuser?
Photo by Mario Azzi on Unsplash

After getting out of an abusive relationship, it’s quite common to feel lost, confused, and stuck obsessing over trying to understand the toxic person who mistreated you. Their messed-up way of thinking gets stuck in your mind, even when you’re free of them. You might constantly think things like:

· “If I can just figure out why they were so cruel, maybe I can get through to them…”

· “Why couldn’t they see how much I cared about them?”

· “Will they ever realize how much they hurt me?”

These repeating thoughts provide a weird comfort, because you’re so used to desperately trying to please your abusive partner. You keep repeating those mental patterns, hopelessly hoping for some breakthrough that never comes. Meanwhile, you’re not focused on your own voice, boundaries and sense of self that were so shattered. We mostly lose ourselves in relationships, especially in unhealthy ones.

We forget who we are and what we believe in, just to please the other person or to survive in the relationship. That’s why we get stuck in most things in life. It’s simply because we’re asking ourselves the ‘wrong’ kind of questions that just suit our status quo, not challenging questions that challenge our current perception of reality. When you’re stuck, it’s because you’re asking yourself the wrong question, like the one we’ve shared above, instead of asking yourself questions that might not be comfortable but will shake things up.

“Problems that remain persistently insoluble should always be suspected as questions asked in the wrong way”- Alan Watts

The Powerful Refocusing Question

This is when I’ll ask my clients this simple but powerful question as I help them go through this journey: “Where are YOU in all this?”

You can also ask yourself this question and reflect on it, even when you’re in a ‘normal’ relationship. You may never truly know where you stand until you deeply contemplate and examine yourself. This seemingly simple question is meant to break you free from the draining focus on your abusive ex-partner or on just someone else and lead you back to yourself — your individuality, identity, and self-worth. Because in the end, what drives the abuser’s cruelty matters less than how you reclaim your reality and rebuild your sense of self-respect.


You can also use this type of question when you find yourself complaining about everything during the day. It reminds you that you’re responsible for what’s within your control. It’s like hitting a mental reset button, shifting your focus away from someone who made your life a living heal and allowing yourself to go through your own inner demise as you slowly take your power back and reconnect with you.

Other prompts which may help you to just come back to yourself and be more responsible can be questions like: –

· What boundaries am I willing to set and enforce?

· How am I contributing to this problem?

· What small step can I take right now to improve this situation?

· Am I prioritizing my well-being in this situation?

· What do I need to let go of to move forward?

· How can I show myself more compassion and kindness?

· What is the lesson I need to learn from this experience?

In simple terms, any question that helps you find and reconnect with the parts of yourself that the abuser tried to destroy. It’s like going on a brave rescue mission to retrieve your lost talents, joys, and vitality from the damage they caused.

In conclusion, rather than wasting your energy trying to understand your abuser’s ‘sickness’, see it as a dead end. Redirect your focus to uncovering the profound answer that was always just out of reach when they distracted and suffocated you — your brilliant, unbreakable, unique SELF. It’s not easy to focus on yourself, especially when every bone in your body urges you to focus on them. But doing so will only bring more misery into your life. You must bring yourself back to the scared, anxious, insecure, sad, and lonely parts of you because reconnecting with your distraught self is the path to rediscovering your authentic self. As they say, “the only way is through,” and asking yourself the right questions will help you break through the false perceptions about yourself that you’ve been piling up since you came into this world.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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