Healing Journey: Are you Validating the Problem or Solving the Problem?

Healing Journey: Are you Validating the Problem or Solving the Problem? healing journey: are you validating the problem or solving the problem?
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Today, I want to discuss a sneakier aspect of the healing journey, one that’s often overlooked but can trap you in the illusion that you’re making progress: the endless cycle of validating your struggles or feelings without actually addressing the root issue.

When you’re emerging from a toxic relationship where you were gaslit, devalued, and psychologically tortured, it’s incredibly relieving to finally receive validation that yes, you went through something serious. Having others acknowledge the manipulations and betrayals, nodding along with concern as you recount the most insidious examples of the narcissist’s cruelty, can provide a sense of validation and support.

There’s an undeniable sense of relief in being able to share those tumultuous experiences and hearing people express sympathy and understanding. Whether it’s friends exclaiming, “Oh my god, that’s so awful, you poor thing!” or sharing stories in support groups and receiving consoling refrains of “I know exactly what you mean, they did the same to me!” For possibly the first time, you feel seen and validated, knowing that your experiences and emotional wounds were very real.

Getting Wrapped Up in the Cycle of Pity

But here’s the risky aspect of this situation — the more you get wrapped up in those cycles of pity, the more your identity can become entwined with dwelling on the problem rather than truly processing it. You may unconsciously start to define yourself primarily as a victim (a disempowered one) because that identity is being reinforced and comforted by the continuous supply of empathetic “poor you’s.”

The validation itself becomes the addictive fix you crave, a tragically comforting safe space to retreat into. You end up becoming hooked on constantly revisiting and recounting those distressing stories because at least then you feel understood. And during the abuse, you never really got that understanding.

So, you find yourself reliving it repeatedly, every gruesome detail, every shocking revelation about just how depraved the narcissist truly was. It’s like picking at a never-ending emotional scab, just to elicit the same sympathetic reactions of “Oh, you poor thing” and cringing sympathy from other listeners, who are mostly other victims who’re doing the same thing.

Except here’s the harsh reality — all that endless validation doesn’t give you your power back, nor does it solve or prevent those patterns from repeating in your life. It might feel satisfying momentarily to be relieved of responsibility for these torturous scripts you had no control over. But that’s the trap — you’re being comforted while still fundamentally stuck in the problem.

Walk the Road Less Travelled

Don’t get me wrong, having your experiences acknowledged as valid instead of being gaslit is a necessary first step out of toxic abuse amnesia. You need that emotional reset to reorient yourself, to affirm that you didn’t imagine things, and that what happened to you was a profound injustice.

While validation has its place, we often find ourselves stuck in it for a long time, sometimes even years, without truly addressing the elephant in the room: why are you stuck, and why aren’t you addressing the root causes of the problems? It requires investigating the aspects within yourself that left you vulnerable, unpacking the patterns of stuck emotions that kept you longing for the highs and lows of an unhealthy relationship, and addressing the limiting beliefs and attachment wounds that made you susceptible to manipulation in the first place.

You’re not glorifying the problem or indulging in seeking validation. Instead, you’re channeling your energy into overcoming the problem. After all, why would you want to be defined by a problem or by the past? Problems are meant to be solved, not clung onto. They’re meant to be learning experiences that help us avoid similar situations in the future, as we come to understand both the conscious and unconscious forces that draw us into relationships with people who hurt us or lead us to these problems.


That’s what it takes to be honest with yourself and to do whatever it takes to break free from the problem or from the foundational blocks that have allowed this problem to manifest in various areas of your life.

In short, focus on solving the problem and not just validating it; that’s how you will be free and let the past be the past. If you realize that you’re encountering the same problem every now and then despite working on yourself, then it simply means there are things beyond your scope of awareness that may need external help to assist you with excavating or digging out the root cause of the problem. It’s a courageous journey, but the rewards are endless.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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